Burnouts, depression, BPD, or just a jerk?

I am a 25 year old female. My (I guess ex) partner is a 33 year old male. I feel like it is worth noting that we both suffer from a lot of childhood trauma. My partner was born in a bad situation, his birth mother was addicted to crack, she was a drunk, and she was a well known prostitute. He was born in squalor. Think Christian Grey. He and his two siblings fended for themselves at a very early age. They stole to eat, never learned hygiene, covered in bugs and open sores, and were sexually abused by the people their birth mother brought around. When CPS and the police were finally involved, they still to this day call the situation one of the worst the state have ever seen. At the age of five, he was put into foster care and had a lot of mental issues. Most of the time, as soon as they went to a foster house, they were placed in a new one because no one could handle them. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, ODD, and BPD.

Soon after his 10th birthday, he met his adopted family. His adopted mother has told me countless stories of the trauma he went through, going as far has putting him in a behavioral institution.

I, on the other hand, was groomed by my sister's 24 year old boyfriend when I was 10 years old. The abuse lasted until I was 21 years old and I sought help.

Me and my (ex) partner were together for four years. We met on a social dating platform, and we had a beautiful relationship. It moved quickly, but it all felt right. We started dating a week after we met, he said I love you after 2 weeks, and we moved in with each other after four months. We had a long honeymoon phase. We took pride in being honest and having great communication with each other. About two years into our relationship, we found out we were pregnant. Now, it was something we always talked about. He told me that I was the first person to come into his life that made him want to be better, have kids, get married, and have a real life with. However, when we found out I was pregnant, neither of us took it well. I had lost a lot of friends with this relationship. Not because he denied me the ability, but because my friends were big "out every night to drink" kinda people, and I no longer wanted to go out every night for 8 hours to drink. I was spending time getting to know my new boyfriend. So I no longer had any friends. He had a lot of work friends, but real friends. So we were each other's everything. I will admit it isn't healthy to rely on one person for everything. But in addition, he had just found a new career that literally took him across the East Coast for months at a time. I felt terribly alone, and felt terribly angry with himself that he couldn't be with me for the pregnancy. We decided it wasn't the right time for us, so we decided to have an abortion. He was my rock, he took off work and came down to take care of me. He stayed as strong as he could. About a month later, he begin acting unusual. Saying things like, "I cannot give you what you want. You deserve to be with someone who can do it all for you." I pressed him to explain what he meant. He said, "finding out about you being pregnant didn't go the way movies and books make it seem. I felt nothing but anger at myself for being so careless, and anger at myself for putting you in that situation. I just need to leave. Don't worry, I will pay all the bills until you feel comfortable." I ended up getting in the car and driving down to see him. He wasn't expecting me, at first being angry. He told me that he just didn't love me anymore, and he felt numb. Numb to everything in the world. I slapped some sense into him and told him he wasn't the only one who felt numb, and the same argument could be made for me being able to terminate a pregnancy. That seemed to help because he decided then that if I was willing, we could try getting through this together, and everything when back to normal. He promised me that if he found himself in the spot again to please not give up on him, because he was here forever.

We lived in harmony again for a year, until COVID started. The beginning of the year, he had a new job that took him about 2 hours from home. He invited me to come up and stay with him anytime I liked. I would go up and visit him, but sometimes it got boring, since I would basically roam around a hotel all day waiting for him to get back. Once he got back from a 10 hour construction shift, he was pretty exhausted and didn't want to do much. It was very hard, but I loved him and he loved me. So we both tried for each other to plan certain days. I had a part-time job back home until March, and I had a lot of time on my hands, he however, was still working 60 hour weeks. When I'd go back up to see him, I could seen depression and exhaustion written all over his face and room. He had no energy to shower, eat, clean, or even do the things he liked to do. That's when I had a lot of time since work was shut down. I ended up staying with him in the hotel, bored most days, but I was able to help take care of him, and I could go home whenever I needed a break. It was a lot of pressure, we had a lot of little fights, him trying to keep up with being my everything and work, and eventually he told me that he needed help. Thankfully it was May, and I got a new job at a salon. I was making good part-time work, and he had more time to himself on the days I worked. It was all going well.

Now, my partner has bad seasonal depression. Every year you can expect it, from October to January. He is pretty withdrawn, feels very poorly of himself, and hates doing just about anything. By the last October, we had to put down a dog that had been with me for 20 years. It was really hard and I turned to him to be my shoulder to cry on. A few months had gone by and he decided to surprise me with a puppy. So now we had 2 dogs at home, an apartment we could barely afford, a lot of space because of his work, but we always talked about the future. And we had a lot of love.

Like I said, October hit, and I get a phone call, "hey babe... I haven't been happy for a while. I cannot afford to give you the ring you deserve, the life you want, babies.... I can't do it." I simply told him, "no. I'll be here, take the time you need." He argued with me, and hung up angrily saying he knew what he wanted. Later on in that day he called back to apologize, to tell me I was right. He didn't want to be done. He was just so tired of feeling like no matter how hard he worked, nothing seemed to be getting better. We were no closer to a wedding, or even an engagement ring, let alone babies. I told him I would help more, and try to understand his depression this holiday season. And everything went back to being fine.

This last holiday was hard, and I saw him break into tears for the second time ever. He was so angry at himself that he couldn't get me ANYTHING, and what was the point. I reassured him that he would make it up to me later, and while it sucked, as long as I had him. That wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear, but he lamented.

He lost his job shortly after Christmas. I had quite a savings built up by his request, so I told him to relax until he found a new job. I had enough to get us through two months if I needed to. He originally was thankful. He spent his day doing household chores and playing video games, but he began to go a little stir crazy. He didn't qualify for Grubhub drivers, but I did. So at the end of January, we ended up switching phones so he could work some hours and not go crazy. It was a little hard, cuz I worried how bad it would affect my taxes next year, since it is 1099 work, and I expressed that to him. He understood and told me to have no worries. He was here and we could take care of it. He loved driving for Grubhub. On most of my days off, he would cheerfully invite me to join him on the deliveries. This was about February and we have a wonderful time driving around our town making deliveries, making fun of people's orders, and spending our waiting time watching TV. I had just started therapy so I could handle my recent anxiety and depression spike, and we were working great on our communication and the new boundaries we had developed.

It got to be mid- February when things got a little weird. He became very numb, and distant. He would say things like, I just want to disappear or sleep forever. I just want to eat a goddamn bullet. I just want to be left the hell alone.

I wondered and was worried for him, so I attempted to talk to him about it. He told me his depression was getting worse because he still had not gone back to work, and he had some real plans for us this year. I tried to lighten the mood, reinforce how proud I was of him, but something still seemed terribly off. He had a 1000 mile stare, and just kept saying he wanted to be left alone. So as much as it hurt, I gave him as much space as our apartment would give us, but I would still find him crawling into the bed while I was reading just to be near me. I found him coming and getting me from a room and asking if I'd join him in watching tv. He would just want to lay his head in my lap and let me brush the hair off of his face. He would want me to lay in his lap so he could do the same. He was helpful around the house, and while his sex drive was low, he made constant efforts to whistle and spank me throughout the day. Yet he was still distant, and as much as I wanted to let it go, I had to ask him what was wrong.

Once again, I was told not to worry about it, "I just want to be in my own head sometimes." But I would analyze it over and over in my head.

As I progressed in my therapy, this once terrified of therapy man would casually ask me questions about how it was and how did talking work in it. He seemed to express great interest in it, so I asked him if he would accompany me on a couples session. I was shock to hear his excited answer, "yes!"

A little while after that, he got a call to go back to work. He was so excited. He got all of his stuff together. Talked about how he is going to "make this bread" to get us out of here. But it was short lived, as soon as he went back to work, he got the word that the job was shutting down. He came back home depressed. He was even more distant, being to get angry and every little inconvenience, as if life was punishing him. He didn't want to talk about it, but he did when I asked.

After another week or so he got a call to go back to a different job site, only 2 hours from home. He'd be home every weekend. He was once again excited, and rented a camper from his family so he could collect per diem and his paycheck. I asked if me and the dogs could come and visit him, since the campground offered a lot of things to do. He asked if I would mind waiting the first week so he could get things set up, and blow up if things weren't perfect without taking it out on me. I agreed and off he went. He was gone for the week. We still talked every night. In fact, he called me the day before he came back home asking me if I was okay, because he felt like he hadn't heard from me in forever. We had just talked earlier that day, but I told him I was fine and I just wanted to give him some time to get himself used to the new schedule, he appreciated it and we carried on random conversation. The next day, I really hadn't heard from him. I didn't think it was weird, when he works he often doesn't have his phone on him. But by mid afternoon the front door opened and there he was. He shut the down and calmly said, "we need to talk. I haven't been happy for awhile. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. It is exhausting and all the things that made me fall in love with you are driving me crazy." Naturally I got upset and asked him were this was coming from, I knew he had been depressed but I thought it was about the money, and not working and having an outlet. He said he had been waiting out of the relationship since our first year together. Since then, the guilt has been eating him alive, and he cannot stand holding me back anymore. Holding me back from what? Having a perfect life, with the husband always there, the babies I wanted, the house I wanted. I attempted to argue with him, and he changed his story to, we just have grown apart and are no longer good for each other. I know you think the same thing too.

I didn't. Sure in a relationship with two anxious people you get the worrisomes, but my love for him never faded. I began arguing with him. He didn't get to determine what I did or did not want or deserve. I grabbed his hands, they were shaky but he squeezed mine firmly, like that was the only thing holding him down to earth and just said he was sorry. I looked him in the eyes and told him he didn't have to go, if he just wanted time, he could have it. He laughed and said its not time I need, its not talking about i need, I am just unhappy. I embraced him in a hug, and he held onto me for dear life. He rubbed my back and said that this was the last thing he wanted and he hoped we could still be friends, and he promised he would take care of whatever I needed. He finished packing up all of his clothes, came over, gave me one last strong hug, kept me at arms distance and said, "you are an amazing, wonderful, and perfect woman." He touched my face, smiled and began acting like his goofy self as he left the house, playing with the dogs, telling me he wanted to set up visits and that he would see me later and left to his car. And he left.

I spent the night crying, watching as he changed his profile pictures and changed his passwords. His mom got in contact with me and told me that he mentioned having a hard time getting happy. When she pressed him he told her, "mom. You want grandkids, she wants kids, and if I force her to be with me for the rest of our lives and not give her any kids, she will resent me." His mom tried to push further, but he cut her off. SHe told me for three days, he has done nothing but sit on her couch, watching tv and eating. He doesn't do much else, including visiting his friends in the area. SHe compared him to a trashcan. That he stuffs things in their over and over again, never emptying it until one day it all comes spilling out. She says he'll hurt the people around him, because in his head, when things go too well, something bad is coming. She hopes that is what this is, but she cannot make any promises since he is refusing to talk to her. He eventually took our relationship status off. Making himself single.

I texted him asking about the rest of his stuff, and the bills we have tied together. He had told me that he was coming down next week to get the stuff, but he called me and said that he probably not get it until the next few weeks. He told me he wanted to be friends, but in the future he hoped we could spark a relationship back up, but he didn't want to promise anything, or hold me back.

He ended up calling me, and I had my opportunity to give him a piece of my mind. I told him I didn't understand how he could say he checked out months ago, when he was still doing all the things he usually did, just carrying around depression. He said he just wanted to be left the hell alone, yet he still started conversations. Interactions. Talks of the future. He got defensive telling me I was always looking for some hidden meaning, he just wanted to be left alone. Which is ironic, since he still acted like everything was normal. With a looming depression. He got upset that I poked holes in his story. He called himself out, calling himself the bad guy, and he guess he did lie. He told me he never said he wanted to come back to this relationship, and he wanted to make it very clear. I told that was fine, but I loved him and I hope he finds what he needs.

It happened 3 days ago, and we last talked last night. That was that last conversation. I know people will think I am crazy. I know I cannot force someone to look at the demons in their closets. I cannot force someone to change. I know I love him, even if it is wrong or stupid to do so. I want him to be happy, but am I selfish to say I want him to come home? This is four years. Does this sound like someone who struggles with depression, BPD, ODD, PTSD, or someone who is struggling? Or am I just hanging on to a pointless hope?

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