Can anxiety and depression make you fall out of love or question your relationship?
Posted , 7 users are following.
I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, married less than two and have a near four year old son with him. Never have I ever questioned our relationship until about 4 months ago he told me he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore. He soon changed his mind and said he knew he loved me but felt a feeling had changed.
We tried marriage counselling for a few sessions and during that time I noticed he was starting to become really withdrawn. He decided he didn’t want to do marriage counselling anymore as felt he needed to sort himself out first and was then diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
For the last few months he has been very up and down. He hasn’t been the same man I married since this has all come out but he varies from shutting himself away in the spare room and being very rude, silent or unaffectionate to me to being fairly nice and occasionally sleeping in our room and having sex ( sorry if too much info).
I am left very confused.
At times he will blame me for his anxiety and depression and say that his feelings aren’t because of the mental illness and that he has mental illnesses because I have caused them. Other days he will blame it on stress caused by his job.
A few months prior to this on occasions he would seem a little off and I would ask him if he was ok an he would say he was tired or something had upset him at work. He tells me he has felt this way about me for about 8 months and has been trying to hide it from me. He sometimes says I have changed. Granted I’m probably not the young woman he met but I’m the same lady to birthed his son and who he chose to marry less than two years ago. It makes me rather angry that he has hidden feelings from me and potentially ruined our marriage by doing so.
Most of the time I’m convinced it’s just his depression and anxiety talking but other times I’m not so sure. Especially when he’s on his rants about how he doesn’t have an illness.
If it’s depression and anxiety how long after his meds settle should I expect to see a difference. He’s only been on them two weeks.
Sorry if this message is a massive babble.
I’m just really struggling to hold it all together at times.
1 like, 8 replies
chase87964 louise_52731
Posted
louise_52731 chase87964
Posted
I’m glad to hear your feelings have started to come back and hope this happens to my husband as i can’t really think of life without him. He is unsure his meds are for him and so might ask to try something else which will set us back a bit but I know I just have to be patient.
Fingers crossed this will one day be a distant memory.
hypercat louise_52731
Posted
Hi sorry to hear this. It does sound like he is suffering from depression but it still doesn't excuse him first of all blaming you for it or his work. Blaming you is the work of a selfish man and not someone who suffers from mental ill health. He needs to take full responsibility without blaming it on others. x
louise_52731 hypercat
Posted
I’ve written it all down in a journal and told a few close friends about everything and that helps me to release some upset and anger about it. My response to him when he says things like this is to calmly say “ I think we both know that isn’t true” and then I just walk away.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just tell him some home truths about it all but then I stop and think if it’s the mental illness talking then what am I achieving? I would probably feel I had got something off my chest but could end up making him feel really s****y about the situation. Or worse just get one of those infuriating blank stares rather than a response at all.
hypercat louise_52731
Posted
I think you need to put your own feelings first sometimes as he clearly is putting how own before yours. Like I said before a hallmark of depression isn't blaming it on others but, that is common in selfish people. It wouldn't be your fault if he got upset by what you said but it might make him stop and think before he has a go at you. x
wayne1962 louise_52731
Posted
Hi Louise - sorry to read you are suffering. First of all it's not your fault! It's the depression talking, blaming others/events/things when the rage inside is overwhelming. The man is probably terrified, maybe there are things buried that need examining and he can't face them. He lashes out at those closest - because it's safest, he knows they will most likely forgive him when he vents. Depression is rage turned inward and it sounds like he's boiling over. Some other/event/thing eight months or so ago may have triggered this change after 14 years, and he married you only two years ago. Four year old son. Sounds pretty permanent. And he's gone for help - that takes courage. Anti depressants take 3-6 weeks to work. Then there is the possibility of needing to tweak the doses, even, if necessary, change to another med. It's a process, but once the right balance is achieved, counselling will be effective. Not marriage counselling. The marriage is not broken - he is broken. He needs one on one counselling with a therapist or psychologist where he can express openly, come to terms with whatever it is that haunts him.
All you can do right now is be the strength in the family unit, make sure he keeps his appointments, be supportive, and don't question him about what ails him. He will explain it in his own way in his own time - or maybe never. Let him vent and remember it's the illness talking. He's probably processing a lot of stuff he doesn't want to think about but knows he has to - not just for his sake. Ride out the storm, at least he is not in denial.
louise_52731 wayne1962
Posted
Thank you for your reply. He did try therapy on his own before he was diagnosed but something happened that day which he refuses to talk about and it resulted in him having an anxiety attack and being taken to hospital ( he thought it was a heart attack at the time). And since then if I have mentioned talking to someone he freaks out. I’m not sure if they bought up a subject he was upset about or whether they had suggested he was suffering with depression and anxiety and it upset him. Since then he has obviously had the hospital and his gp tell him it’s anxiety and depression so I think in general he has come to terms with it else I don’t think he would be taking the meds but I think for him it’s still a bitter pill to swallow at times.
I tell him I love him every day and I make sure I give him a hug and a kiss when greeting or leaving him and at bedtime but I know this makes him feel a little overwhelmed at times when he is particularly bad. He also gives me a kiss when he leaves the house but it does feel a little like he is forcing himself to do it to please me.
As for a future together his body language suggests he doesn’t really see one most of the time however he still discusses the renewal of our contract phones of which he pays for even though I have suggested I’m happy to sort mine out myself if he would prefer and keep the bills separate from now on. He also looks at booking us a family trip together in the near future.
He says he feels his anxiety in particular is triggered by the uncertainty in everything happening at the moment. Not knowing what our future holds romantically, not being happy with his job, now knowing if he wants to buy another house with me. We have just sold ours and are looking at renting while we sort this mess out as he doesn’t want to commit to buying a house with someone he might leave... which does make sense. But the issue I have with all of that is it’s all things he has brought onto himself in a sense. It’s all a catch22. He could leave his job, he could be happy with me and he could buy another house but his head isn’t letting him at the moment.
About a month and a half ago we had a bit of an argument about it all and tried a separation.... which lasted less than a week because he missed me too much. We didn’t really talk and we shared the custody of our son like we would if we were to split. But he said it was the worst week of his life. Yet when I’m here it’s like he doesn’t want to be near me, and at times when it’s really bad he will take himself off in the car for hours to be alone and clear his head.
I hold a massive amount of faith that one day we will be ok, and I try to remember it’s probably his illness talking, but sometimes I worry that he just doesn’t have the guts to end it with me and that all of this hurt is all just a prolonged process of splitting up.
louise101078 louise_52731
Posted