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Before I start I'll admit that I do have a bit of a temper and have been known to have outbursts (slamming doors etc) when I get angry however these were mostly when I was young and a teenager and so you could argue that It was the hormones etc etc since I've not done anything like it in a good few years.
Tonight though, I lost it. Over something so silly. My boyfriend and I were ordering a takeaway. However I accidental ordered from the wrong one (I did it online) when it came to our realisation I got so angry with myself and ended up having a huge outburst. I've been feeling angry (for no real reason) for a couple of days now and I'm not sure if this was it all just coming to a head. My boyfriend felt I aw blaming him (which I certainly wasn't) and told me numerous times that it was my own fault and there's nothing that we can do if I refuse to cancel I and that I need to learn how to use the phone- I have a phobia of speaking on the phone and so did to want to phone them up to cancel (there was no option to do it online). I can't even really remember what was said but I said some pretty mean stuff. He persistently told me that I was my fault and that it's no big deal and just need to cancel it, again that I need to use the phone and I didn't know how to respond bar simply shouting. I remember telling him to F off and then storming out the room to the nearest place, the bathroom. Where I proceeded to try and cry- I felt I needed to, I felt the emotion boiling up inside of me but no tears where coming.
Im not sure what's happened to me the last 6-12 months. It seems something in my mind is clouding my rational emotions and responses and makes me react to things in the wrong way- crying/sad/angry etc. I constantly feel blamed and that everyone's against me. Particularly tonight, I felt my boyfriend was against me and angry at me when I know now looking at it rationally he wasn't.
I'm say here feeling terrible. I've of course apologised profusely to him and he's said not to worry but I just feel crap, frankly. I seem to be becoming unpredictable and I had a thought just after it- driving to pick up our takeaway and just crashing into a tree since we live in the country. I'm
Not sure if that's classed as a suicidal thought or what but I've never thought like that before- and the horrible thing is I believed that if I did crash it probably would be for the best, that it wouldn't have much affect on anyone.
I went to the doctors a few days ago and she told me that I just have a case of low self esteem and negative thinking. But I'm not convinced. I'm not sure what's wrong, whether I have depression or something else.
But can depression cause something like that?
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