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I have been feeling pretty rubbish all year. I started off in January feeling awful. I took a few days off work and wrote a plan of action - job hunting, eating well and exercise. I threw myself into that and it helped for a while. I still had moments of feeling really quite down but I seemed to manage them ok. I found a new job and was excited to start that. I was seeing a guy, he didn't want a relationship but did want to spend time with me. waiting to start my job and hoping that I could make something with the guy left me feeling really anxious. I was a real state for the month of July, constantly on edge and anxious. I started my new job and had panic attacks for the first week. I stopped seeing the guy so that I could concentrate on my job. I don't know how I managed but I did.
It's now December and I feel worse than ever. I know that I am making myself feel bad as I am just lying around in bed. I haven't made it to the gym in almost a week. I am not eating healthy and I haven't gone into work today. I feel like I am giving up on myself. I find it difficult to have a shower some days and I just done care :-( it's such a horrible feeling. My brain is constantly replying memories of that guy I was seeing. I constantly feel bad about myself. I have thoughts of harming myself however I don't think they are something that I would follow through on.
I have been managing to go to work every day, until today. I feel like people around me don't know how truly awful I am feeling. I also know that there isn't anything they can do, other than support me. I know that it has to come from within me to make myself feel better.
I am having counselling but I don't think it is really helping me this time. I tried taking escitoplam in August and managed about a week before the side effects - feeling spaced out became too much as I was trying to settle into my new job. I tried them again a few weeks ago and I got a really bad headache. I think im worried about side effects so I almost bring them on.
I saw the doctor a lot over the course of July and August when I was feeling anxious. I just don't think there is anything he can suggest for me. I feel so helpless and I just want to sleep my life away. I wish I could stop thinking the past over and over and over - it's like a film playing in my head 😂😂😂😂
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