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Can't carry on like this

Posted , 5 users are following.

amberstar33
amberstar33

I have been feeling pretty rubbish all year. I started off in January feeling awful. I took a few days off work and wrote a plan of action - job hunting, eating well and exercise. I threw myself into that and it helped for a while. I still had moments of feeling really quite down but I seemed to manage them ok. I found a new job and was excited to start that. I was seeing a guy, he didn't want a relationship but did want to spend time with me. waiting to start my job and hoping that I could make something with the guy left me feeling really anxious. I was a real state for the month of July, constantly on edge and anxious. I started my new job and had panic attacks for the first week. I stopped seeing the guy so that I could concentrate on my job. I don't know how I managed but I did. 

It's now December and I feel worse than ever. I know that I am making myself feel bad as I am just lying around in bed. I haven't made it to the gym in almost a week. I am not eating healthy and I haven't gone into work today. I feel like I am giving up on myself. I find it difficult to have a shower some days and I just done care :-( it's such a horrible feeling. My brain is constantly replying memories of that guy I was seeing. I constantly feel bad about myself. I have thoughts of harming myself however I don't think they are something that I would follow through on. 

I have been managing to go to work every day, until today. I feel like people around me don't know how truly awful I am feeling. I also know that there isn't anything they can do, other than support me. I know that it has to come from within me to make myself feel better. 

I am having counselling but I don't think it is really helping me this time. I tried taking escitoplam in August and managed about a week before the side effects - feeling spaced out became too much as I was trying to settle into my new job. I tried them again a few weeks ago and I got a really bad headache. I think im worried about side effects so I almost bring them on. 

I saw the doctor a lot over the course of July and August when I was feeling anxious. I just don't think there is anything he can suggest for me. I feel so helpless and I just want to sleep my life away. I wish I could stop thinking the past over and over and over - it's like a film playing in my head 😂😂😂😂

0 likes, 41 replies

41 Replies

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  • jean26406
    jean26406 amberstar33

    Posted

    `It sounds to me like getting up and going to work is an incredibly positve thing to achieve. OK,so today you didn't manage to. Perhaps tomorrow? Give up wishing people know how you feel? It's unlikely they ever will. Maybe its best not to make this a part of your working environment anyway. I find pretending to be Ok actually works for me sometimes! You mention  things that have been very positive in your life.How about focussing on a positive plan for the future,no matter how small? i hope this helps.
  • kelly01424
    kelly01424 amberstar33

    Posted

    Hi Amber, 

    You are doing so well. I too have been struggling just to get out of bed and go to work.  I think we just need to take each day at a time and focus on small achievements and things that make you happy.  For example to reward yourself for making the effort. 

    Not sure what your past is but try and leave it behind and focus on now and the future. It does get easier as time passes. Thoughts occasionally pop in my head but I just have to remember I can only change the here and now and how I react to situations in life.

    I also find it helpful to pray and leave my worries with God.  Jut knowing he cares and always listens is comforting. 

    Don't feel bad, concentrate on the good you do. When we feel this low it is an achievement to do anything at all.

    • amberstar33
      amberstar33 kelly01424

      Posted

      Thank you kelly. 

      I struggle to recognise things that make me happy or what I enjoy. But I am trying and I am definitely keeping on going. 

      I will go back to work tomorrow. I am feel brighter this evening. I often go for a swim after work on a Tuesday so I am looking forward to that. 

      Xxx 

    • kelly01424
      kelly01424 amberstar33

      Posted

      Thats excellent.  Exercise is very beneficial. Its one of my goals. You sound like you have the right positive attitude and fighting spirit. I hope you find your equilibrium. 
    • amberstar33
      amberstar33 kelly01424

      Posted

      Exercise really does help. I was doing really well but the last few weeks I just haven't felt like doing anything. I am going to swim when I feel that way. Swimming is so relaxing. 
  • annie76135
    annie76135 amberstar33

    Posted

    Hi Amberstar how are things going? Are you back at work? Depression is so awful it seems to make everything so much harder. When I think of all the things I used to do in a day when I was well. Now it seems that just getting up and showered drains me of all energy. I am a member of a spa and should have gone swimming today but it just seemed too much effort. Better times ahead. I can't wait for my depression to lift so I can enjoy life again, it is important that we are all kind to ourselves and keep hopeful. Take care x
  • annie76135
    annie76135 amberstar33

    Posted

    Hi Amber How are you today? Been wondering how you are getting on and did you manage to get to work today? Hope all is well xx
    • amberstar33
      amberstar33 annie76135

      Posted

      I didn't make it into work this morning :-( I'm going to call the doctor and see if I can get a phone consulation with him. Xx 
    • annie76135
      annie76135 amberstar33

      Posted

      Sorry to hear that you didn't feel well enough to go in today. There is really no point in pushing yourself in if you don't feel up to it. Your health is the most important thing and should come first. I went back to work too soon and had to step down to get stronger. Make sure you are kind to yourself and look after yourself. Xx
    • amberstar33
      amberstar33 annie76135

      Posted

      Hi Annie

      I'm so confused about what to do 😂😂

      I don't want to lose my job and I want to make sure I am in with a shot at a job after this current contract ends. My brain is telling me that I'm useless and I should admit defeat on that front! 

      I feel exhausted even though I have slept for 14 hours again. I have got dressed and I am hoping I can get myself out for a walk. 

    • annie76135
      annie76135 amberstar33

      Posted

      Hi Amber

      Really sorry to hear that you are in turmoil over what to do. I have been there so I know how you must be feeling. We know that depression is something that you can not  snap out of and it is going to take time to lift. And during that time you MUST be kind to yourself. I think you need to be honest with yourself and the doc about how you feel and then just take it from there. When I took sick leave 4 years ago with depression I just felt like I had crashed into a wall. I also knew that I was doing myself and others no favour.in struggling at work.I just had to step down like I said to get stronger. And it is hard to do that but so engines you just don't have a choice. Once you have made your decision about what to do then you will start to feel a bit better. At the moment you don't know which way to go and you need to listen to professional advice. If you can go for a walk this afternoon, once you have talked to the doc then that would do you the world of good. I should have gone swimming today but I couldn't motivate myself. Instead I have spent some lovely time in the garden feeding the birds. The simple things are the most rewarding. Once you have spoke to the doc, make a decision about what you are going to do and then you will feel more peaceful. Thinking of you. Keep me updated and remember there are better times ahead xx

    • amberstar33
      amberstar33 annie76135

      Posted

      Hi Annie 

      I have just spoken to the doctor and he thinks it is best for me to go into the surgery and have a proper chat so he has made me an appointment for Friday. I think my decision is going to be about what antidepressant to try. I've struggled with feeling low for as long as I can remember. The last time I was this down it turned out that I have an underactive thyroid. I don't feel as terrible as I did back then, just really low in mood this time, not drained of energy, just drained of drive and motivation. 

      I know my counsellor will tell me I need to stop fighting and just experience whatever is coming my way. 

      I feel like I have given my all over the last few years to get to where I am and I don't feel any better for it - I graduated uni, I've lost 6 stone and ive got my thyroid under control yet I have just ended up feeling like rubbish again.

      It all feels so pointless 😂😂😂😂

      Sorry to be in such a negative place 😂😂😂😃

    • annie76135
      annie76135 amberstar33

      Posted

      Thanks for letting me know how you are doing. I am sorry that you are in such a negative place at the moment but remember things never stay the same. At the moment you feel under a rain cloud but the sun is there waiting to shine. Please keep hopeful and don't give yourself such a hard time. You have done so well and you are doing so well in a very difficult situation. Are you taking the rest of the week off? Xx
    • amberstar33
      amberstar33 annie76135

      Posted

      I wish I knew how to be kind to myself. I am much better than I ever was. I don't eat my feelings in the way I used to and I am better at resting. I've been out for a walk this afternoon and got a jacket potato to eat. I'm just waiting for my friend to finish work - I've been staying with a friend this week and he has been a godsend - not only this week but the last few months. Literally, I don't know where I would be without him! 

      I am going to work tomorrow. I've got two appointments and they are ones that I like to do and will keep me busy but not too much then I will have the afternoon in the office. I've only got a half day on Friday before counselling and doctors in the afternoon. 

      I hope you're having a good day. I appreciate you asking how I am, I really do. Thank you, you are a very kind person xxxx 

    • annie76135
      annie76135 amberstar33

      Posted

      Really pleased that you have managed a walk and got yourself something to eat. It's good that you have got a friend to help you through this unsettling patch. I have my hubby and he is my rock. I have had a better day today. Managed to tidy the house and doing the ironing now. I have had depression for 2 long months and waiting for that day when it lifts. I don't work at the moment . I took the decision to have a break from work in the summer. Really enjoying myself until the depression struck. The depression was related to illness in the family. Now I am struggling with motivating myself to do things. We must stay hopeful and try to keep ourselves as upbeat as possible. All the best for tomorrow and have a relaxing evening xx You are lovely too x
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