Can't Cope I just dont want to be here, plus went bk to work today
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi , have posted in the forums a few times basically suffered with anxiety and depression years ago but managed to come off meds when ttc for my son. Last November I felt that I needed to see my gp as things just got too much ( had an op last yr that was more complicated than first expected , then had to move home - long recovery and general life getting me down ) So at first i tried just relaxation excercises , no luck so in Dec i started Sertraline 50mg - no joy , he then added Mirtazipine to take at night - but gained weight rapidly ( thats one of my hang ups so no good ) do Sert got doubled to 100mg - A while into the new yr Sert still didnt agree with me so he put me on 75mg Venlafaxine eventually up to 225mg , all good except a horrible severe side effect meaning having to stop immediately , have a blood test and start 20mg citalopram for a couple of days then up to 40mg , So had withdrawls as well as getting used to another pill so was all quite in the air. Anyway 2 weeks ago i returned to gp as i felt like id hit rock bottom as well as not sleeping at all , so i was given 14 days of temazepam - worked like magic ( i have a couple left as didnt take everyday if i could help it ) He also signed me off work until today . I thought i was ready to go back however , tonight im feeling rock bottom again , i feel like i justhave nothign to live for , my relationship of 7 yrs broke down in february , my son is pushing me to my limits with behavioral issues , no matter what i do it isnt good enough. I have amazing work colleauges and manager is great . I had my return to work interview today , but i didnt say everything i should of , i just cant bring myself to open up , I have again put in 7lb - which i know to some its not much to ,e this is huge , to the point 3 days ago i started taking laxatives to get everything out of me , I feel like im going to explode with everything going through my brain ( previous domestic violence from 2 exes when was 16-18 and 23-24 ) a misscarriage that no one knows anythign about , i didnt even see gp as i know it was mega early ( that was 12 yrs ago ) , to the point i want to hurt myself , however i know i cant but the urge is there. I have tried cbt and i am now waiting on a counseller to contact me , and my works have a helpline that im going to contact tomorrow i think , - My works like i say are great however theymay need to get occy health involved now and its just stuff i could do without .
so sorry for rambling on but im too frightened to go back to gp as i was only there yesterday and i just feel an idiot and i have no one i can truly open up to , its making my chest feel like its being run over by a bus , my head is pounding and cant sleep . I just dont knwo what to do anymore i really dont , i just want to dissapear - I wish i hadnt returned to work today and had longer but if i go back off it will class as 2 absences now not 1 continuing 
2 likes, 3 replies
Digsby sarah57117
Posted
Sending you a BIG hug. You are very brave to open up so much when you are hurting like this. You've had a lot of setbacks on your journey but please don't give up hope. I've been struggling with suicidal depression since October and have been off work for most of that time. I have tried getting back to work but I only lasted 5 weeks before I needed more time. It's frustrating waiting to get better but depression is something that you can't rush and you have very little control over. Until you see some progress you need to stop being so hard on yourself and cut yourself some slack. Imagine if you were giving a good friend some advice - offer those kind words of encouragement to yourself. It may be that you need more time off work. Be honest about how you are feeling so that those around you can offer you the help that is available. Occupational Health at work have been very supportive to me and taken a lot of pressure off me. I also have a helpline via work which I know I can use if I need to. Many people don't have these sources of help so make use of them if you need to.
You have survived a lot so you must be a very strong person. Depression is well-known as "the curse of the strong" i.e. those of us who struggle on but our more sensitive to the needs of others at the expense of our own needs. Please take some time for yourself and perhaps you will be able to spend some quality time with your son and other family members. Don't try to do it all on your own. You don't have to. You are not alone.
Please don't do anything you might regret. Let us know how you are getting on as you have a lot of friends who care online. With very best wishes,
Digsby xx
sarah57117 Digsby
Posted
Im sorry to hear youve been having a rough time too
it sucks doesnt it >? I find it all so draining. so desperate to come out the other side of it all , wish it was instant
so you find any time of the day is worse - im struggling in the evenings , really badly , i find im so tired and depressed , but i cant sleep , then i get anxious about lack of sleep , then everythign and anything else , and so the cycle begins
claudia90123 sarah57117
Posted
just briefly, it sounds as though you have cycled through a lot of different meds in quite a short time. All of them take ages to get used to. I'm on Venlafaxine (having had trouble with various SSRIs) and it took me a full year for the side effects to go, but it does work for me now. GPs aren't trained in antidepressants, and can just keep throwing them at you experimentally. It sounds as though your GP hasn't done you any favours, however well-intentioned. Could you ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss your prescription? You should get one. It sounds as though you need to be on something. When you get it right it will help, I promise.
Also I totally agree with Digsby: don't ride yourself so hard. Depression is a horrible illness and you are doing amazingly just to get through each day. You can't expect to function as well as everyone else at the moment. Take a huge deep breath and try to just do the best you can without worrying about other people's expectations and putting extra stress on yourself. I find it helps to put a time limit on it, like a holiday eg. I'm not going to stress about work for a week. It's not avoiding responsibility it's just giving yourself a breather to be kinder to yourself. It doesn't mean not doing stuff, just not worrying about doing it well. Or if you find you can't do something don't beat yourself up about it. It won't make your problems go away but it might make you a bit calmer.
Do go back to your GP and ask for a referral!