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Can't differentiate between "gut feeling" & anxiety, ruining relationship. HELP. :'(

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Knelie
Knelie

So a little background - I was diagnosed with OCD when I was around 2 years old. It was BAD. My mom had to fight with me a lot to get me to break really unhealthy habits (God bless her) and now it's not very prominent in my adult life. My biggest thing with OCD is the intrusive thoughts - I will picture something absolutely awful or horrible happening and it will just pop in my head. Then will obsess over the intrusive thoughts and ruminate them through my head to "deal" with it. I also have anxiety & paranoia - didn't get diagnosed until last year for that one though. I had a bad trip on shrooms 2 years ago (someone gave me way too much for my first time and I had an absolutely horrible trip, was suicidal) and I think that is what activated the anxiety/paranoia - it was ALWAYS there, just never so prominent.

Anyways - my anxiety is sort of bad. Not crippling, but some days I really don't even like to leave the house. I get extremely nervous of what people think of me, if I have a conversation with someone and mess up a sentence and they giggle I'll beat myself up over it for DAYS. My other big thing is that I get nervous that people I get close to are constantly going behind my back. And this is my biggest problem.

Lately, it's been getting kind of bad and affecting my relationship. We had some hang ups in the past - when we first got together he wasn't totally over his ex and we broke up for a while until he sorted his feelings out. Another bump in the road was porn - he lied about using it twice and that put a big hiccup in the trust but we have gone to counseling for it and everything has been amazing since. Seriously, he treats me amazing. We have some communication issues etc, but just minor things that every couple runs into now and then.

My problem is I find my anxiety (gut?) telling me a lot that he's cheating.. or being dishonest/not loyal. And it's starting to tear me apart inside. I know everyone has that "gut feeling", especially women, that tell them when something is wrong or to run away etc. But this same "gut feeling" (when I have experienced it in the past with a shady guy, a bad friend who was using me etc) feels EXACTLY the same as when I am having a bout of bad anxiety. I really do not know what to do. I keep telling myself that it's just my anxiety, that it's all in my head and it'll pass. But seems the more I try and differentiate the two from each other, the more they become blended as one.

For instance, my BF got a bunch of new cologne/shampoo/body wash for Christmas from my family and his. We were sitting in the garage vaping together (I know, vapes, we're such losers lol), and I leaned on his shoulder while we were talking. He smelt different, and my heart immediately started racing.

I think it's important to note that at the moment he is unemployed, and finishing his diploma. We live in my parents basement as times are tough. His family lives about 15 minutes away in town, and his cousin lives with his mom, her BF, and his two siblings. His cousin has been doing outreach like my BF, so he will usually go over there and spend the day with his cousin and study/game etc so he doesn't have to be all alone at the house while everyone is at work. Sometimes he leaves early in the morning to work on his car (not unusual, he's a HUGE car guy) and brings shower stuff with him so he can just shower there after he gets dirty working on his car.-

I asked him why he smelt different, and he told me, "I've been using different deodorant and body wash the last couple days".

Totally logical answer, since he, y'know got that stuff for Christmas. But inner me (anxiety?? gut??) was SCREAMING "that's a lie, he's cheating, he's obviously been at another girls house during the day this whole time, he just stopped caring about hiding it" etc. And then I feel awful because he sees I look worried and pulls me on his lap, "Boo, is everything okay? You look really sad all of the sudden. Is there anything I can do?" "No, I'm fine, just really tired" I reply.. trying to process my emotions. "Is it anything I did? Did I say something that offended you? I'm sorry.." he says... "No, no not at all, I'm just.. I don't know I just feel off today." We continue on with the evening.

This is really starting to f**k with me. I get these random thoughts then become resentful and distant to him for thinking he is cheating, but then all he wants to do is make sure I'm okay and find out what's bothering me. And then my stupid brain thinks, "That's just a cover up, he knows that you're onto him so he's making it seem like he cares".

This doesn't happen ALL the time, but quite often.

I really have no idea what to do with this, and I'm really hoping someone has some insight on this and what I can do.

To answer some questions, no I am not on medication for my anxiety because it's never posed this big of problems for me before - it was always pretty manageable the last year since I got diagnosed, it only seems to get worse the closer I am with someone. It seems like the closer of a relationship I have with someone (my BF being the closest person in my life right now - friends for 2 years, dating for 2) the more nervous/paranoid I get about it all being "fake" and not real, and I get nervous they've been using me etc.

Wondering if anyone has ever had to deal with this kind of stuff, and what you did to help yourself get to a manageable point.

I am possibly open to going on medication, my biggest gripe is I get really scared of the long term side effects that sometimes come with trying medications. I know the people here are not doctors, but I value your opinions a lot as people who can hopefully see some similarities and I will of course discuss my options with my doctor before moving forward in any avenue.

No, counseling is not an option as it is not covered by my health plan and even the sliding scale price is too much for me to afford.

If anyone can help, or give some insight or suggestions as to what you feel would be my best option, it would be greatly appreciated.

0 likes, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • jasper71098
    jasper71098 Knelie

    Posted

    I can definitely sympathize with not knowing what's paranoia and what's a legitimate gut instinct. If I wasn't sure about my wife, I would probably stop by unannounced at wherever she said she would be. Not sure if that's good advice or not.

  • brittany06024
    brittany06024 Knelie

    Posted

    Its like you are reading my every thought....I am currently going threw the same and I have been for the past 3 years we also have a one year old baby girl together but anyways long story short I have now lost about 20lbs in a month due to depression and its has become almost an obsession for me.I think the same things as you do if hes being nice i think he is trying to hide something i looked up signs of cheating and i seen the cologne things as one of the signs among other things that made me get way more confused and upset.As i went on reading i kept thinking back on things in the past and things that are going on now and it was like I felt I i just knew even with no proof in my heart of hearts I felt and still feel like he is cheating or maybe talking to someone in that type of way but you are way better then me because I voice my negaitve thoughts and fears to him and sometimes in not so nice of a way.At first not so much but the thought became so strong and I started looking for proof. Little things seemed big and it got out of control .It has completely ruined what we have together. I was diagnosed with bi polar among a couple other things since I  was 11 years old.I now believe that I have border line personality disorder which is often mistaken as other mental illnesses and goes hand in hand with other mental illness aswell.Look up the symtoms it does not mean you have joe shome and angie that you turn into at any givein moment for some people it is caused by childhood events and others dont develop it until early adult hood.I too am willing to be medicated but what if they are cheating I too feel that same bad uneasy gut feeling that he is from past situations and it is causing me much heart ach and I am shure my boyfriend as well. unfortunately for me my boyfriend is extermely well with anything to do with any type of  technology so theres not much i will ever be able to find anything ever on any phone nor computer. But if yours isnt tech savy there are apps you can download on his phone that he wont see on there and it will send every text message or phone call and apps used even location to your email and your email only but yeah easy logger is one like that but there are other ones that are even better then that .But whatever you try not to dwell and jump on him about it to much even thought you ask and feel he is lying. It will be harder to catch if hr thinks you are on to him and I dont wish for anyone to go threw the things that my boyfriend and I are going threw now. Best of luck to you girlfriend.I hope he isnt doing that to you.
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