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I am feeling increasingly hopeless living this condition. I have been trying to convince myself that I will get better and I will be me again and then life will be worth living again, but right now I feel like I have exhausted every avenue to no avail. I have rested and rested and paced and followed every piece of advice I can possibly find and I still feel so ill.
I have been unwell on and off for nearly two years now, which I know in comparison to others is a short time but I am struggling massively. I am clearly not as resilient as others who have managed to live feeling like this for years and not give up. I have been signed off work for 3 months currently, I am about to lose my job and I feel too weak to do anything about it. I just cannot get my head around how people live like this, trapped in physical pain it's torturous.
I no longer get any enjoyment from anything that I do because I constantly feel like I'm about to pass out or throw up, I'm regularly doubled over with abdominal pain or reduced to tears by overwhelming pain in every part of my body. I find it embarrassing when I'm sweating and shaking and so vacant and I'm around others. Every day I experience a new symptom which frightens me more. I cannot bear the feeling of not being in control of my body, feeling so dizzy and spacey like I've been drugged. I cannot bear the pain and nausea anymore and not knowing how I will feel from one hour to the next. I don't feel like I can leave the house now because I never know how I will feel and I've had so many experiences were I've been out of the house and suddenly felt so so ill and began vomiting or thought I was about to collapse and just needed to lie in a dark room alone and haven't been able to get home.
I've been lying in bed unable to sleep for hours due to a sharp pain on my breast bone, painful legs, burning up and and an overall feeling like I have a horrible virus. My life has been completely stolen by this illness and I just cannot see the point in existing like this just to feel pain constantly, never ever experience any enjoyment due to the physical symptoms and to just feel like someone I do not recognise. As extreme as it may sound, I have been looking into becoming a member with DIGNITAS with the hope that if I never get better at least maybe there will be a way out of it all. Although I don't know if this illness would qualify for their assisted suicide. I feel like my only options are get better or not be here anymore, because I certainly can't exist with this illness forever. I have no desire to continue to 'manage' the illness and live in this state because there's simply nothing in it for me.
There is so little support and medically accepted advice out there for this condition I feel so alone. My experience with the NHS has felt like I'm screaming and no one can hear, I just keep being brushed off, told to wait and given conflicting advice.
Please can anyone get back to me and let me know if they have experienced the same feelings and how they've dealt with it. I so desperately want to hear from someone who has got better and how. Or maybe someone who was misdiagnosed and was able to be treated. I've read so much about people with M.E never getting better and having to manage the condition for the rest of their lives and it terrifies me. There is so little information available about people who have got better and I'm desperate to hear if anyone has.
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