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I'm so ready to just give up on life. How do people keep going on? I felt happy for a couple days this month but the darkness has returned & the time spend alone this summer doesn't help. I tell myself each night tomorrow I will go outside, tomorrow I will go to the gym but today i walked to the gym only to see too many cars and decided to go for a walk instead.
I've suffered with depression and anxiety for 7 months now, I'm not on any meds, I've tried a few & it just left me feeling empty & numb and I don't want to rely on medication for the rest of my life.
I'm suppose to be getting married in a month to the love of my life, the man who has stood by me through my sick leave from work (the major cause of depression ) through 2 miscarriages in March & 5 weeks ago, his own job lost which he just got back up and found another job. He's an amazing man & I can't even imagine how I ended up with him. He makes me laugh (well tries too, sometimes I can't find it in myself to laugh) he is the better part of my day and even though I know he has mini projects & passionate he wants to pursue he still takes time every night to cuddle me on the couch well we watch some tv.
We have been together 6 years and like I said we are suppose to be getting married, everyone around us is so excited expect for me, the other day I woke up and this thought popped into my head that I don't love him anymore. I've had similar thoughts but more along the lines of I'm not in love with him anymore but they come and go but this was a more I don't love him anymore period. However I think I still love spending time with him & I still want to be with him, I can't even imagine him NOT in my life, if he had been around I probably would have given up months ago. The thought breaking my heart make my chest hurt & I cry. That's all I do at the moment cry & self talk, I still want to marry him, I know i still love him somewhere in my body and I don't want to do something I know I will regret when the fog lifts (my counselor told me to stop referring to the depression as depression)
I don't want to lose him and if I do what is the point of going on anymore, I hate my job, I use to love it but I was knocked down a few times at that place & bullied by my teaching partner. I put in for a transfer & was happy at first but now I'm just mad & frustrated. These were my kids & my class, I was there 2 years, she was there 9 months! My principal was no help just told me to switch schools rather then fix the problem with a very simple solution!
I know I've posted here before and probably very similar but i just don't know what to do! I call the help lines and I've told my fiance this but I can it in his eyes it is killing him too, he has tried his best for us & things have just gotten hard, life had gotten hard and instead of trying to keep fighting I just feel like giving up. This isn't who I am! I can still see myself in my mind some times. The Girl I want to be, confidence & so in love with my partner like before but I can't find her.
Does anyone have any suggestions (again I'm not looking to be medicated, naturally as possible) and yes I've smoked weed and it helped for awhile kept me calm but now it rages a war in my head where one voice says leave & another say stay and my fiance finds me in the bathroom in tears.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
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