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Quite simply put, I am 20 years old (will be 21 this October) and have struggled with anxiety for a while. Probably about since I was 10, as far as I can remember anyways. I've always just felt this constant heavy feeling in my chest, I think the best way to describe it is a mixture between feeling really embarrassed, an intense feeling of just panic/impending doom and being disappointed in myself and thinking everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Except it's all the time. 24/7 365.
I never really noticed or realized my anxiety WAS anxiety until about last year, and to be completely honest I can't take it anymore. I feel like a crazy person, and I don't want to live my life like this. I feel so different, so out of place. In the last year and a half I've literally lost all of my friends because I stopped drinking and they thought liquor was more important than me. My grandparents divorced, my 17 year old baby sister got into hard drugs, and my family is dealing with the aftermath of that. On top of that, my boyfriend (whom I've been best friends with for 3 years, dating for 1.5, we are extremely in love) and I, when we first started dating had some ups and downs that I just cannot forget. I met him right after he got out of a 2 & 1/2 year relationship. We kind of rushed into things and didn't really start our relationship in a good way... He was confused and wanted me but was still hung up on his ex and we were off and on for about a month and a half till I stopped talking to him. Few months passed we started talking again, few more months go by he tells me he really loves me and he's sorry for everything because he realized I'm the one he wants. I know this is true because he's changed (in a good way, got a job a car, has goals, is motivated - he struggled with severe depression) for me and he talks about the future, what kind of house we will have, kids, dogs, everything and I couldn't be happier but my anxiety cripples me every day when I think about his ex - she's tall, blonde, perfect body, looks just like Blake Lively (to add insult to injury Blake Lively is my fricken idol and I've always wanted to look like her), is into cars and quads like my boyfriend is. To me she's so perfect and I'm.,. Not. I've got a crooked smile I'm short and a bit chubby, if I didn't have long hair I would look like a man - I don't know he first thing about cars and I've only been on a quad a handful of times. I just feel so intimidated by her, not to mention the fact she kept trying to involve herself with my boyfriend after the fact, invited us to her birthday, etc when I made it clear I wanted her to have no part in our relationship. I constantly accuse him of seeing her and cheating on me with her etc when he doesn't. I know he doesn't but I can't silence my mind.
I'm actually writing this at 4:30AM, because I can't sleep because I can't stop having dreams about me coming home and walking in on them having sex. I have cried to my boyfriend about it so many times and he's been as understanding as a person can be about being constantly called a liar and a cheater when you're not. But now I can just feel it's pushing him away, and I don't know what to do. I want to marry him I can't lose him, he's my everything. But I can't stop these thoughts.
I've been to a therapist, and that only seemed to make things worse. I refuse to take medication because my family has a history of mental illness, and everyone who has been prescribed meds has gotten 10x worse and I just don't want to have to depend on pills to function like a normal person.
I can't get over this feeling. Even if I'm out, having a good time, it usually only lasts and hour or so then I'm back to overwhelming anxiety and paranoia again. When I'm smiling and laughing and having a good time, I can't still feel that lowkey feeling in the background of nervousness and panic and feeling like everyone around me is judging me. I can't be around people or in public for a long amount of time and then I NEED to leave or I will start to have a mild panic attack.
I just want to function like a normal person. I don't want to have to pay for pills and therapy and other stuff just so I can have a normal life. I'm so sick of not knowing whether or not my fears and doubts are legitimate, I hate always having to second guess myself an my thoughts. I hate always having to slow down and ask my boyfriend if I'm actually being rational or if I'm overreacting. And then when he answers me it usually turns into an argument either way.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be like other people? Why do I have to have obsessive thoughts? Why ?! Why me!! Why do I have to live my life different than all my family and friends. Why do I have to struggle and ask myself if my boyfriend is cheating on me or not when he's CLEARLY been nothing but 100% committed to me the entire time. When I know this deep down, why does my brain and thoughts tell me otherwise? Why am I destined to be this way?
I've gotten to the point where I don't know how many more days of this I can take without being pushed over the edge. I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I want to take my life, but I'm too afraid to. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take this. It's now 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm in a seperste room crying and pulling my hair and hitting myself in the head because I can't take it that I can't stop these thoughts. They're plaguing my mind and it's poisoning my life and everything I hold close to me. It's causing me to being emotionally detached from everything that brings me the slightest amount of joy. I hate myself.
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