Can't take my anxiety anymore - Feeling like ending everything.
Posted , 5 users are following.
Quite simply put, I am 20 years old (will be 21 this October) and have struggled with anxiety for a while. Probably about since I was 10, as far as I can remember anyways. I've always just felt this constant heavy feeling in my chest, I think the best way to describe it is a mixture between feeling really embarrassed, an intense feeling of just panic/impending doom and being disappointed in myself and thinking everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Except it's all the time. 24/7 365.
I never really noticed or realized my anxiety WAS anxiety until about last year, and to be completely honest I can't take it anymore. I feel like a crazy person, and I don't want to live my life like this. I feel so different, so out of place. In the last year and a half I've literally lost all of my friends because I stopped drinking and they thought liquor was more important than me. My grandparents divorced, my 17 year old baby sister got into hard drugs, and my family is dealing with the aftermath of that. On top of that, my boyfriend (whom I've been best friends with for 3 years, dating for 1.5, we are extremely in love) and I, when we first started dating had some ups and downs that I just cannot forget. I met him right after he got out of a 2 & 1/2 year relationship. We kind of rushed into things and didn't really start our relationship in a good way... He was confused and wanted me but was still hung up on his ex and we were off and on for about a month and a half till I stopped talking to him. Few months passed we started talking again, few more months go by he tells me he really loves me and he's sorry for everything because he realized I'm the one he wants. I know this is true because he's changed (in a good way, got a job a car, has goals, is motivated - he struggled with severe depression) for me and he talks about the future, what kind of house we will have, kids, dogs, everything and I couldn't be happier but my anxiety cripples me every day when I think about his ex - she's tall, blonde, perfect body, looks just like Blake Lively (to add insult to injury Blake Lively is my fricken idol and I've always wanted to look like her), is into cars and quads like my boyfriend is. To me she's so perfect and I'm.,. Not. I've got a crooked smile I'm short and a bit chubby, if I didn't have long hair I would look like a man - I don't know he first thing about cars and I've only been on a quad a handful of times. I just feel so intimidated by her, not to mention the fact she kept trying to involve herself with my boyfriend after the fact, invited us to her birthday, etc when I made it clear I wanted her to have no part in our relationship. I constantly accuse him of seeing her and cheating on me with her etc when he doesn't. I know he doesn't but I can't silence my mind.
I'm actually writing this at 4:30AM, because I can't sleep because I can't stop having dreams about me coming home and walking in on them having sex. I have cried to my boyfriend about it so many times and he's been as understanding as a person can be about being constantly called a liar and a cheater when you're not. But now I can just feel it's pushing him away, and I don't know what to do. I want to marry him I can't lose him, he's my everything. But I can't stop these thoughts.
I've been to a therapist, and that only seemed to make things worse. I refuse to take medication because my family has a history of mental illness, and everyone who has been prescribed meds has gotten 10x worse and I just don't want to have to depend on pills to function like a normal person.
I can't get over this feeling. Even if I'm out, having a good time, it usually only lasts and hour or so then I'm back to overwhelming anxiety and paranoia again. When I'm smiling and laughing and having a good time, I can't still feel that lowkey feeling in the background of nervousness and panic and feeling like everyone around me is judging me. I can't be around people or in public for a long amount of time and then I NEED to leave or I will start to have a mild panic attack.
I just want to function like a normal person. I don't want to have to pay for pills and therapy and other stuff just so I can have a normal life. I'm so sick of not knowing whether or not my fears and doubts are legitimate, I hate always having to second guess myself an my thoughts. I hate always having to slow down and ask my boyfriend if I'm actually being rational or if I'm overreacting. And then when he answers me it usually turns into an argument either way.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be like other people? Why do I have to have obsessive thoughts? Why ?! Why me!! Why do I have to live my life different than all my family and friends. Why do I have to struggle and ask myself if my boyfriend is cheating on me or not when he's CLEARLY been nothing but 100% committed to me the entire time. When I know this deep down, why does my brain and thoughts tell me otherwise? Why am I destined to be this way?
I've gotten to the point where I don't know how many more days of this I can take without being pushed over the edge. I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I want to take my life, but I'm too afraid to. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take this. It's now 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm in a seperste room crying and pulling my hair and hitting myself in the head because I can't take it that I can't stop these thoughts. They're plaguing my mind and it's poisoning my life and everything I hold close to me. It's causing me to being emotionally detached from everything that brings me the slightest amount of joy. I hate myself.
4 likes, 13 replies
lilith- Knelie
Posted
Hell knelie. I can relate to what you're going through. It is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you.
I started dating my boyfriend in October 2012, and by December I was completely in love with him. So in love that I decided to search his username on a blogging site to see what he'd posted in the past. What I found was a girl posting photos of her and him. I assumed they were old but I mailed her anyway to make sure. Turned out he hadn't told her they were no longer together, and she was very hostile in her reply to me. Long story short, this argument went on for almost a year, and it took me over 2 years to get over it. I would panic, hysterically cry, scream at him, assume whenever he wasn't with me that he was with her. I even self harmed so much I destroyed my arm.
However, time healed me and my paranoia over him and her. Over time, when we got our own flat, I got ill abs he comforted me, he got ill and i visited him every day at hospital, after a while his ex didn't matter at all to me. We've been together almost 4 years now, and i'm so glad I kept myself alive so I can experience true love for as long as possible. The same will be true for you. Just hang in there and try to think logically.
As for your friends... They aren't friends if they chose booze over you. Relationship worries are so difficult to deal with alone, I also lost all my friends. You've got friends online who know how you feel. Things will get better, but you need to be strong. Always be the strongest version of yourself, and life will improve around you.
kimberly59704 Knelie
Posted
Well we sure don't like the term of mental illness, but I guess anxiety and depression are comsidered that. By the way,it is hereditary. Meds don't make it worse, they actually really help. You do need a antidepressant, if you want to function, and feel better.You will eventually lose your boyfriend if you don't stop obsessing over his ex. If you don't think your great, and not worthy, then how is anyone else suppose to think you are. He picked you, didn't he. Doesn't that answer your doubts. Please do yourself and the ones who care about you a favor , and go see the family doctor and get yourself squared away.
Knelie kimberly59704
Posted
I don't want to take medications, I'm not going to. My mom was given anti-depressants and tried to kill herself and ever since she has never been the same - always negative, even more so than when she was depressed, irritable, and from what I've noticed she started to become very "bi-polar". It's not something I want to try. I would be willing to try natural remedies but I'm not one for medications from the doctor in the first place, even when it comes to the common cold.
stephengranger Knelie
Posted
Hello Knelie
My name is Stephen and I read your forum post by chance, a real concidence! Anyway, I just wanted to say that even though I have never met you, and that I will most likely never meet you, you are somebody that is important and special and deserves all the good things in this world. You are worth a lot more than you think so, and if you weren't then I wouldn't be writing all of this to you! You are special, and I am so glad that you have your boyfriend to care for you and show you the love you absolutely deserve. I hope that thru this I can help you to see the goodness that is yours, the love that you have, and how much love and positivity and beauty you have to offer yourself and others. Please believe me when I say you are so important, and that you have a purpose of great goodness and love. You are amazing Knelie 
x
cory62805 Knelie
Posted
Hi Knelie.
It looks like you have a lot on your plate. I mean, a lot. As someone looking in, from the outside, I kind of want to say I think you are missing something.
Don't get me wrong. What you are going through is real. Your anxiety, depression, is happening. You are not making it up, but the one thing you are kind of missing is that...your life seems hard, Knelie. You are standing on a stage, dead center, and everyone else that is in the play with you is either messing up lines, or straight up walking off and never coming back. You feel all the pressure that is life, piling up on your shoulders, but you blame your self. Why?
You have a situation you are going through. Your anxiety. Please do not put more weight on your shoulders from other things that happen in life. It is sad, to hear your grandparents divorcing. I'm sorry your friends left you for that silly reason. I'm sorry your sister got invovled in something like drugs. Theses are all horrible, horrible things to have happen, but you can't take them as a direct attack on you. Your situation with your boyfriend is hard...the thoughts of not knowing. The thoughts of your fears of cheating. But many people go through these moments and you are not alone.
Don't try to take this on all by your self. You are strong, you are insanely strong to survive all of these situations and just now starting to think about ending it. The fact that you are scared to end it, is proof that you are not ready to give up. It is STRENGTH, not weakness that stops you. You are stronger than me. I have no problems admiting that. If you want to end it, then that is your choice. I'm not hear to beg you..I'm here to tell you, that you are more capable than you think.
Most people, these "Normal" people that you describe, don't go through half of what you go through and still end up breaking down the road. You are tempered. Like a strong metal. I believe in you, and I believe you should at least try medication. I have a friend who felt like a dark cloud was over his head at all moments and his family also has history of mental illness, but his medication turned him into someone who laughs and acts like an idiot all the time now. Don't give up, you have options. Please entertain the idea of them.
Knelie cory62805
Posted
I want to let you know your words have helped me immensely. Just the way you said what you said.. it really hit home. Sometimes hearing from a person on the outside looking in can help a lot.
May I ask if you know what medication you friend is on? I'm just extremely leery of them because my mother has been on anti-depressants before and it made her worse - she tried to take her life. Ever since she has not been the same.
I've lost other family members for the same reason.. anti-depressants made them worse and they ended up following through with their suicidal thoughts. Just the thought makes me extremely nervous.
But honestly, thank you so much for your comment. Reading it I could feel my heartbeat slowing an the rest of my body calming down. Thank you so so much.
cory62805 Knelie
Posted
Hi Knelie,
I am more than glad to hear you started to calm down. That just shows that you can beat this, that it can be fixed, at least slowly. Sorry for my slow reply but I will try to find out what medicine he is on for his anxiety and depression. When I find out I will private message you. After all, you don't need to take it right? But maybe you can do a bit of research and ask your doctor if it is a good possible direction.
Knelie cory62805
Posted
That's what I was thinking as well. I just want to look into some options I suppose. Thank you again, Cory.
lee12629 Knelie
Posted
lee12629 Knelie
Posted
Knelie
Posted
Hello all.
I just wanted to make a comment (for those that are still following this thread) and say that I am doing much better now. Not by leaps and bounds, but by a small, yet still significant amount.
I've been meditating in the mornings, eating healthier, and exercising more - and that alone has helped my paranoia to be less prominent.
Although I have still had some trouble with these intrusive thoughts, I actually did some more researching and found out there is a type of OCD (which I am diagnosed with for the record) called ROCD - Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder. So, basically it is OCD but your "obession" is the relationship (romantic, family, friendship) and the complusions are well the accusing of betrayal etc. I'm almost positive that this is what I have, because its happened the same with every friendship I have had.
Anyways, I got an app for ROCD which has exercises you do every day. It has helped TREMENDOUSLY. I didn't think it did/would, but I guess the positive little statements it has you review just got stuck in my head.
Nothing is perfect, not even close to that.. but I feel a lot happier than I did, a LOT more secure in my relationship as well. I think me being more positive brought on more positivity from my boyfriend - which in turn has made me more positive. I like this cycle a lot better than the one I am used to.
Just posting to let everyone know, things have gotten better.
And for anyone who comes across this thread, that things CAN get better if you buckle down and try really hard. Just have to believe in yourself.
Thanks all for your kind words and advice. You truly do not know how much you have all helped me.
cory62805 Knelie
Posted
cory62805 Knelie
Posted