Cannot seem to sleep anymore and my body is back to its old ways? :(
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hi, hope everyone is doing great. I want to share with people how I improved myself with the 3 things listed above. I've had terrible Anxiety, Depression and Insomnia for years and until recently I was on the path to Glory and Success! Don't get me wrong, I still feel I am on this path, but lately the Insomnia has reoccurred and intern affected my Anxiety and Depression.
3 or more months ago I was trapped in a life I hated, I just sat in my room the entire day, worrying about stuff I didn't need to worry about, feeling down, hopeless and thinking I can't get out of this lifestyle. And pretty much not sleeping at all when I went to bed at night. I was a mess quite frankly. I thought about sleep all day and I've come to realize that was my downfall. I had so much built up anxiety over the thought of sleeping. I would obsess looking over the internet, buying pills that had little to no effect and at my wits end. I even binge drank alcohol as much as I could to knock myself out just to get a few more hours so I didn't feel as "dead" the next day.
I've also had Social Anxiety my entire life so I feel awful around people and social situations. I go red, watery eyed ect and that really affected my willpower to even leave my room, let alone the house.
Lately I have taken steps to get better. I have left the house much more regularly, even stuff as simple as walking down the street is easy now even though it used to be something I would avoid at all costs. I have started going to the gym on my own and doing cardio to get myself back into shape. (I couldn't even imagine going to the gym on my own a couple of months back) I would think everyone was looking at me or making fun of me, and that triggered the redness of the face and embarrassment I was so afraid of.
Basically these past few months I haven't even gave sleep a second thought and that has really helped my sleep. I've honestly had the best sleep, mindset and general positivity towards life I've had in years until recently. The insomnia has returned and a very debilitating form of it too. I've still been going to the gym even though I virtually haven't been sleeping. I cycled 12 kilometers yesterday even though I was exhausted and then ran on the treadmill and did some leg machines. I was really hoping that would sort my sleep out for that night because I was so physically and mentally drained, but no. Literally didn't sleep any better than if I would of sat in my room all day. I go off for a few hours then wake up, then go into this half sleep kind of feeling where I day dream and constantly "come to" every hour or so looking at my clock thinking "Is that all the time that's passed???" Honestly an hour feels longer than an hour if I was completely awake. This happens the entire night and I get up feeling exhausted [sad] This has really killed my positive vibes and motivation as of late and I honestly feel too exhausted to go gym. I feel like I'd have a heart attack or something silly. Yesterday my heart was at 190 BPM, that has to be that high due to my exhaustion. I also find myself uncontrollably worrying again about sleep and day to day life when I thought I was past all of this nonsense. I feel like I've fell back in the ditch again even though I'm trying harder than ever to get out of it with my lifestyle changes. I do relaxation techniques every single night and I honestly go to sleep calm most nights, yet I still wake up? When I do wake up I notice my thoughts are going 100MPH and I'll even have songs playing in my head even though I'm relaxed keeping me awake. Then I'll slip into what feels like a daydream because I still feel completely conscious. I get up the next day exhausted, incredibly heavy watery eyes just feeling dreadful.
I am on 30mg Mirtazapine if that helps. Is there anything I can do to stop this? I have general anxiety disorder so I find it very hard to stop worrying about something. I can literally sway my focus completely to something else, but it will still be there eating away at me. I know why this is happening. Its anxiety. I just don't know how to stop it and why it has flared up again when I've been so positive lately. Thanks for reading, I know its long. If you have any advise I'm all ears. Sam
0 likes, 9 replies
lily65668 Beezwax
Posted
Hi Sam,
First of all, congratulations on getting yourself out of it!
I'm sorry to hear you've had a minor relapse, but I'm sure that's all it is. Now you've figured out how to manage this thing, you'll be able to do it again.
Might I suggest that you lay off the exercise just a bit while you're in this flare-up of your anxiety symptoms? I don't mean go completely the other way and turn into a couch potato, just row back a bit. Maybe restrict yourself to half-an-hour a day of gentle walking or cycling to preserve basic fitness, so you'll be able to get back into your full fitness regime once you're feeling a bit better.
I wonder whether you're receiving some either kind of therapy, in addition to taking mirtazapine? CBT can be very helpful for anxiety disorders, provided you can find the right therapist. Unfortunately a lot of under-qualified people have jumped on the bandwagon in recent years.
I'm also wondering how long you've been on the mirtazapine, and whether your relapse symptoms tie in with starting it. Obviously you'll realise that increased anxiety can be one of the side-effects of this antidepressant, as well as making you feel tired.
I do hope you'll soon start feeling better again. You're obviously a very courageous person.
Beezwax lily65668
Posted
Hi Lily,
Thank you for taking the time again to give me some advise in my time of need
I am always one to over react to situations like this because I simply don't want to turn back into my past self. I do believe this is a relapse and it will pass. The medications I'm on take their toll on me (feeling groggy and tired) the first half of my day on the best of days. So not sleeping makes me feel very down and depressed for a short time which I can usually fix.
That seems like a fair suggestion with taking a more laid back approach to it. I've just been really enjoying the intensity of it all and I've been feeling like I am shredding the weight off. I haven't done anything today, but tomorrow I will make sure to do something even if its just a 30 minute walk round my town.
I actually got myself into therapy a few months back. At first they could only get me into group therapy sessions which I went to and finished the course. (That put me in the positive mindset). Then I put my name down for 1 to 1 CBT therapy which I have just got a call back which starts tomorrow conveniently enough!
I have been on the Mirtazapine off and on for 2-3 years now. I think at this current dose its coming up to around 5 months. Its a very strange drug in my honest opinion. Sometimes I feel like its working, but other times I feel like it makes me worse, especially when I'm not sleeping. I find it funny because every doctor I've seen in the past says "This tablet WILL make you sleep".
Thank you again for your kind words and advise!
lily65668 Beezwax
Posted
Hmmm... frankly I'd be very wary of any doctor that told me that any med would have a definite effect! We're all so different there can never be a one-size-fits-all rule. Sounds to me more like a clumsy attempt at amateur psychology!
I'm slightly concerned about the "on and off" reference in connection with mirtazapine. I hope that means that you took time to taper the dose each time you came off it. Mirtazapine isn't a drug you should stop and start on a random basis, all antidepressants need to be tapered when you want to stop them.
Really glad to hear you're going to start CBT. I hope your therapist will be one you can really work with. And "work" is the operative word here. CBT is quite hard work, as it's the patient who brings about change. But it sounds to me as if you're the kind of person who'd be capable of putting in the effort. Good luck!
Beezwax lily65668
Posted
Yes I can't agree more, I wouldn't say the doctors have much professionalism about them at all. It seems like they just want to get rid of me and move on to a patient with physical ailments.
And yes I did taper off the mirtazapine over a course of weeks and gradually built myself up again taking as low as 7.5mg to start with so that was alright. (at least the doctors were at least good for tapering off the drug haha). I'm really glad I've took the step for the CBT, it went really well
NECKBONE Beezwax
Posted
Hello, good to see you on here again. I am glad you were able to get some good sleep, at least for a time. I cannot comment on the medication you are taking, though I would not discontinue its use unless you speak with your physician. As for the anxiety, did you just learn to deal with it on your own or did you see a psychologist/therapist? If you haven't spoken with a professional, it may be time. There is a lot of progress you can make through self-study but there is no substitute for speaking with someone who understands your issues and can help you work through them. In addition to the relaxation techniques and exercise you are already doing, a therapist can help you respond to the anxiety more effectively when it does happen. That would be my next step if you haven't already taken it. Even if you did work with a therapist when your problems were at their apex, you could schedule a few more sessions to reset and get back to a good place with your anxiety. The longer I go in this process, the more I realize that it may not ever truly be behind me for good, i.e. something will happen periodically to trigger the old anxiety patterns as well as the insomnia. I don't really fear it anymore, which as you alluded to earlier, is probably half the battle.
In terms of your current bout with insomnia, how much time are you spending in bed? If it is a much longer time than you are sleeping, then consider cutting back a great deal on the total time you are spending in bed. Try to figure out how much time you are sleeping each night (not counting the times when you are waking up constantly) and only spend that amount of time in bed. For instance, if you only sleep a total of 5 hours in a night and have to be up and 5AM, go to bed at 12AM and still get up at 5AM, regardless of how much you've slept. The first few nights may be hard to do and you may still wake up and not go back to sleep, but eventually you will be tired enough to sleep all the way through the block of time you spend in bed. If you string a few of those nights together where you sleep well the entire time in bed, extend your time in bed 15-30 minutes. Repeat this until you are getting a reasonable amount of sleep. The trick is to get your mind and body to start associating the bed with exhaustion/sleep again, not a place to toss and turn and ruminate half the night. One of the bad habits I fell into when my insomnia was really bad was going to sleep far too early because of how exhausted I was from sleeping so poorly the previous night. I'd often go to sleep at 8:30 or 9:00PM, only to wake up 2 hours later and stay awake the majority of the night or doze very lightly and wake up constantly which to me was worse than not sleeping at all. The above process helped me immensely in terms of the quality of the sleep I am getting and I bet it will help you too.
Beezwax NECKBONE
Posted
Hi, Good to see your name here too! I have tried coming off it before, but it did not go well so I am back on it. As I said, lately I have felt on top of the world really. Its only this past week I've been having issues. I'm trying to think what in my life has changed to cause it but I'm coming up empty handed in that regard.
I am seeing a therapist tomorrow 1 to 1 for some CBT, so my hopes are really high for that! I just find it hard sometimes to keep my routines and goals when bouts like this happen to me. I get angry more than anything and think "why me" and feel sorry for myself. I will definitely bring that up because its an issue. I need to retrain my brain on how to deal with situations like this. I have felt for so long that I want to CURE anxiety, depression and insomnia. I was looking at it the wrong way so I thank you for your outlook. Life always challenges you, its how you deal with it that counts.
Honestly, I am spending roughly 10 hours in bed in hopes that I can get a few good hours of decent sleep every time I come to and look at the clock. I lay there in limbo hoping that next time I will fall into a deep sleep but that's not been the case as of late. Before this bout of insomnia I was waking up only 1-2 times a night. It was insane and I was so happy and uplifted by it. I never thought it would get that good again, but it just shows you what you can achieve. My hopes are high for getting back into that sleep routine. Thank you for your advise again and I will start limiting my time in bed
NECKBONE Beezwax
Posted
It sounds like you have the right mindset. There are ups and downs with this thing we struggle with. Just like the stock market. Things might go up and down every day or even a few days, but the important thing is that you keep a positive trend line over a long period of time. You have recovered once so you absolutely know it can and will happen. Kudos to you on the CBT, recommend it highly.
You may want to discuss with you therapist, but 10 hours is waaaaaaaaaaayyyyy too much time in the bed in my opinion. I would cut that back a few hours, at least down to 6-7. You will be surprised at how much it helps you to get really good sleep, as opposed to hours of "in and out" sleep that does not rejuvenate you at all.
And I didn't mention this in earlier post, but would keep up with the exercise but maybe cut down on the intensity and duration. Most of the stuff I have read says that you can get the majority of the sleep benefits of exercise out of only 20 minutes of elevated heart rate cardio.
Beezwax
Posted
UPDATE: First CBT was very successful, I came out feeling content with what we discussed and what actions we're going to take to get better. I have also started to sleep better too, although its not perfect, its enough to lift my mood and keep me motivated to go to the gym and stuff. I'm looking forward to the future
lily65668 Beezwax
Posted
That's great Sam. I'm really happy for you.
Don't make the mistake you made last time though. I mean the mistake of thinking that just because you had a relapse, everything had gone out the window and you were never going to sleep again. This flip-flopping is going to keep on happening, and you're going to have to develop a strategy to cope with it on future occasions. I'm sure your therapist will be able to help here.
We all go through this. Once we've experienced a long spell of poor sleep, we never entirely trust ourselves to sleep well again. This means that the sleep anxiety is always lying in wait - and I mean for the rest of your life - and will rear its head again in moments of stress. The good news is that each time it happens and we overcome it again, we gain confidence in our ability to sleep, and it gradually gets easier over time. And as we go through life we also learn that we can cope perfectly well with periods of poor sleep, and nothing dreadful will happen. So cheer up, the first 10 years are the worst!
Keep up the good work!
All the best,
Lily