Cant do this anymore

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Sorry i know i shouldn't post this but i just cant do this anymore,

i don't want to be here!

Even though i have been diagnosed with this officially 4years, i just feel crap all the time and everyday i have a new problem, there is always something.

I dont go to the doctors anymore as they just look at you like im a hypochondriac even tho i dont even tell them all my problems cos im scared i will come across like it..

Im in constant pain.. Nothing helps..

I am always alone I have nothing.. I lay in bed all day i speak to no one except my mum who i live with and yet we barely speak.. She is so uninterested i may as well live alone.. The only contact i have with anyone is my pets

im 32 and life is just getting worse.. I really may aswell not be here.. Im uncomfortable 24-7 and getting fatter day by day..

I dunno why im even writing this there's nothing anyone can say.. Think i just needed to put it down in writing.. But now i feel worse cos really why am i suffering everyday.. I honestly just wish id die in my sleep.. How good and peaceful would that be!

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Rachel, am sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I could wave a magic wand, it's not wrong to vent your feelings on here, in fact it's the one place that many people care and know how you are feeling. I to am alone....except for my fish which arnt to good when I need a hug!

    Try stay strong sweetie.... big (( hugs)) Sent to you xx

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  • Posted

    Rachh,

    I am where you are.  I think it's brave of you to write these words, because I've been wanting to write them myself these past few weeks.

    I try to offer hope to others, but not so good at doing it for myself.  For me, my biggest priority is getting help for the depression.  Sounds like you're there, too.  And feeling isolated as many of us do is a terrible thing.

    Have you tried anti-depressants?  Do you have a specialist in Chronic Fatigue?  Regular docs don't have a clue.

    I've lived with this for 11 years, and can't imagine another 11 like this, and I have it better than a lot of folks on this site.  I can still get out, have some social life, but I physically and psychologially crash the next day.  

    I've just started working with a nurse who was trained by Dr. Chia in LA (thanks to Jackie on this forum), and she has ME/CFS.  She's very optimistic about treatments, and knows all about current research and treatments.   I'm counting on her to give me some hope and help.  I will post as I begin treatments.

    For now I'm choosing to live, and find a balance between acceptance, and hope that I can get better, even to some degree.  

    Depression is a killer, and please don't let it get the best of you.  I know this is an awful condition.  Maybe when you can, see what local support services there are for you.  I read somewhere recently that in the UK they have a service now where people can call to talk.  It may be for the elderly, though.  Are you in the UK?

    Let me know if I can help.  Don't give up, please.

    Nan

     

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  • Posted

    Thanks elaine xx i wish i had a magic wand too smile

    Thanks nan too for ur message.. I too am not even as bad as many who u have read about on here and elsewhere.. But i also have mental health problems that have been around way longer and ive seen specialists for ME well CFS no one i have ever seen calls it ME its just chronic fatigue which i hate cos it just sounds like we are more tired.. And thats it.. Specialists ive seen have been no help.. Its all in the mind blah blah blah.. I guess the pain i get is just me making it up in my head... U dont get offered much a twelve week programme where u have to go for a walk and increase it each week but they don't understand that forget the total lack of energy i cant really go.out by myself anyway from issues i have.. So didnt do too well with that and they offered nothing else u just get discharged back to gp.. And i see mental health people.. Been on sooo many tablets.. Nothing helps.. And plus im an adult now.. No one cares about adults.. Its all about the kids.. Yet they didnt help me much when i suffered as a kid...

    Sorry im way too moany todayy..

    Hope ur feeling okayish xxx i feel sorry for anyone who has to visit sites like this.. Its a sad awful illness.. Not that its recognised as an illness to many many people!

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    • Posted

      Hey Rachh

      I think sites like this can be a godsend to many albeit for support or information, I know it helped me when I got diagnosed ( 2 yrs ago) I have my " what's the point days" but I muddle through, the way we do i guess. I hate the cfs label to its not just always tired as it suggests and if our nearest and dearest can't be bothered googling it to find out more,, well that's their ignorance not ours. I recently split from my partner who announced he didn't really understand my condition and that it may be in my head!

      I have very low times sweetie as you are and if you need to talk or vent I'm here xx

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    • Posted

      Hi there,

      This is A horrible condition that's the bottom of this. It's a hard lonely journey most of the time because of it too. Hold in there, bad days really try your patience, I know. There are some good books I've heard about on here, a quick Google could help. People do recover. It's hard to remember when it gets to feel so pointless.

      My memory isn't good today and I've had pain and been in bed due to too much yesterday.

      What do you do that's nice for you rach? I sometimes have a bubble bath on days where I'm not able to do much but can manage this.

      Best wishes

      Beverley

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  • Posted

    Honesty I feel the exact same way. I'm 24 years old and ive been sick for 6 years now ever since I was 18. Basically as soon as I graduated highschool. I went to community college for about 6 months part time and worked part time that was the only time i experienced college and my first and last job due to this stupid illness. I live with my mother too its so depressing I can't drive because I'm too tired so I'm dependent on her but she had brain surgery last year and seizures recently so o can't even depend on her I have no one instead I'm trying to watch over her and do things for her which end up making me sicker. I say it all the time "I hope I just die in my sleep" because this is torture. Then nobody believes how sick we are so constantly have to advocate our own illness. Thats why I'm introverted and stay to myself. I never go out haven't seen any of my friends in years.. its like I'm already nonexistent. I'm saying all this to say your not alone most of us with this illness feel the same way as you. Don't give up. Stay strong. Thats all we can do.

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  • Posted

    Rachh what's the point of having a forum like this if you can't write exactly how you feel.  You sound really low and I really wish there was something I could say to help. However I will give you some advice based on what I've learned in the long years I've had this condition and that's ask for help.  And if the person you ask or look to for that help doesn't give it then ask again or ask someone else and don't give up until you get what you need.  If you're not seeing other people try contacting them my phone or the internet.  Try contacting organisations that offer help over the phone but use reliable, well-known charities like the Samaritans.  Or ask your doctor for counselling or cognative behavioural therapy.  Basically don't give up.  It won't always be like this but you sure are not going to be able to cope and keep your head above water on your own.  I totally get how you feel you've nothing else to give right now but don't lose hope.  There really are people out there who want to give you the help you so totally deserve.  It's just a case of persevering so you make sure you find them.  Thinking of you.

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  • Posted

    I'm so sorry you're suffering with this terrible illness. It's especially awful because not only are you so ill, but you're essentially alone and also disrespected by doctors. I can relate to much of your post. I'm currently severely ill with ME/CFS and as a result am housebound. I went through years of depression. There were many months where I was bedridden, so sick it was difficult to even turn over in bed or raise my arm. I'm now doing better than that horrible time. Your symptoms can get better, as mine did. Especially since you're relatively young and are still in a window of opportunity for improvement. I also understand about doctors being dismissive. I think most of us have been there. Before I was diagnosed, I had two GP's tell me it was all in my head. You are not alone in this illness and your despair. It's good that you posted to this forum, to people who understand what you're going through. Of course, the problem remains--how do we get through each day if we're feeling so awful? I think we each have to find our own way of coping. For me, I took a 6-week online meditation course, which was free and totally secular. I now meditate every day, which has helped reduce anxiety and depression. Instead of focusing on what I can't do--which only leads to misery--I focus on the small things I can do, like posting to this forum, reading, watching movies, listening to music, and eating good food. And yeah, the food part is hard because I've gained weight since I'm so sedentary. Since I can't exercise, I have to greatly limit my food intake. Not easy because I do love to eat. Your feelings are totally understandable. Please keep posting here and let us all help you.

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  • Posted

    Hi, you are not alone. M.E./CFS can be a lonely condition and not many people are understanding of how debilitating it can be. You could possibly see if there are any local M.E. groups in your area. There are plenty of nice people on this forum you can chat to anytime. I would recommend reading Fighting Fatigue by Sue Pemberton and Catherine Berry - it is one of the best books I've read about the condition. You could also maybe try CBT or counselling to help you cope better. Are there any hobbies you used to enjoy when you were younger? I used to enjoy drawing and painting but it's too much for me now so have taken up adult colouring instead which is a good way of passing the time and being creative. Do you have a local library you could get to? They often have leaflets and information about courses and help in your area. Don't give up hope. You can be happy again - if you feel at rock bottom, the only way is up!

     

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  • Posted

    Hi Rachel,

    Others have said so much of what I would want to say to you.    I definitely would have wanted to say that I care; I have so many times felt the things you've expressed, and there is hope because at least things are better today, so I am certain that you can have a better day too.

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  • Posted

    Dear rachh - I really do not know what to say, am there so many times myself, but have managed to stay here so far..Can only say, I understand!

    And have a big HUG.

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  • Posted

    Hi Rachel

    How are you doing sweetie? I do hope you are getting through this.

    Thinking of you... (( hugz)) x

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  • Posted

    Thank you all so much for ur messages.. It is comforting that ur not the only one who feels this way.. It is such a shame tho.

    I think i feel worse atm cos i have got the flu or something starting.. Its awful..

    I hope everyone is as well as they can be atm xxx

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