Caused a huge fight: shaking with nerves

My wife has had fibro for almost a decade. which means i am sole carer for kids, 2 dogs, 2 chameleons and a cat. only cleaner, only cook.

we've all been really ill for a week so the house has got into a terrible state. she has already lost her temper once screaming that she is trapped due to "my mess".

i stayed up as late as i could last night and had to get up at 6am to work. took one kid to school, the other is still ill. worked 9-10 and then went for a sit down. i saw she'd sent an insolent message to my parents and it sent me depressed as i could tell it was all going to get worse. i balled up and must have fell asleep on the couch.

i woke up at 10:30 to her loudly banging around the messy kitchen making herself breakfast. came through to ask if i could do it for her and got a diatribe about how she cant walk the dogs and should sell them (i'd said i'd walk them later after a shower although the rescue doesn't like men including me - but i can do it). can't look after the kids, can't look after herself, hates her stupid body. she started hitting herself and scratching at herself and throwing stuff down hard, slamming cups and pushing stuff, i was just numb so i walked out of the room.

she slammed the door after me and i could hear her starting to throw things about and scream at my back how i wasn't going to help her and she should just walk into the sea. i lost my temper and went back in to find her throwing things around and i said "is this what we're doing is it?" and picked up a wooden chair and smashed it on the ground. she screamed "well its better than doing it to each other" and started smashing the chair up. she found a bottle of vodka in the shopping i'd yet to unpack -she hates me drinking- and went to smash that. i grabbed it off her and she started yelling about how thats all i care about.

the whole thing was only stopped because my kid came down screaming for us to stop. his nose was bleeding from the stress. she was screaming at me as if this was my doing and i yelled at her no, her behaviour is unacceptable. i called her an animal and a bully. she took him back up and now it's apparently all my fault.

she's been back down once and all the phrasing is "i won't have our child go through this", "YOU need to stop, i didnt break anything, it was you who escalated it all."

i've said sorry but i know as soon as i (rarely) lose my temper it's over. it's my fault, she walks back and minimizes everything she's done and when i say i'd done nothing, i was literally asleep, woke up to her slamming doors and whacking stuff around in the kitchen in protest that she had to make her own cup of tea, and i said nothing and walked out of the room - none of that matters.

as soon as i raise my voice its me who's abusive. i don't know what is true anymore. am i a filthy bum or so overworked that i can't keep the house tidy? am i a normal person having a drink to unwind once or twice a week or an alcoholic? i don't see my friends anymore because she spoils events and starts fights. it's always someone elses fault according to her but she is the common factor.

she says WE need to find a way to stop this but i don't usually get angry. twice a year maybe. she gets angry twice a week and at least once a month it's a screaming hysterical fit.

i'm trying my best to keep the house clean, and it IS a mess. but equally i've been ill too and still feeding everyone. not to mention she has inherited some OCD level victorian cleanliness mania from her mother who is the type to throw sealed salad out if it is put beside sealed raw meat in the fridge.

i don't know what i expect to achieve posting here. i keep a list of phrases to avoid. like i don't tell the boys "i've got cookies or apples for your snack tonight". i have to say "we've got" or it is assumed i am trying to make her feel guilty. again, am i being inconsiderate? or just using a turn of phrase without thinking?

but even with all that preventative stuff occasionally she is, to my mind, so cruel and vindictive that i just lose my temper. and then of course it's all pent up and it comes out. and then on her part it is never forgotten.

i'm pretty sure i'm being supportive generally and she is just being unreasonable about most things, and only because of the mood swings and pain. but she can just go back to bed now. i've still got to work a full day, and try and tidy to a level that will stop her frustration. but my work requires high concentration and i am shaking and crying. i rarely get more than 7 minutes uninterrupted. so i work late to get quiet time. then i'm up early. so i like to rest 10am-12pm and catch up on sleep. which she just can't get on board with. she thinks i'm hungover, or lazy, or she is just frustrated like this morning so she never lets me sleep.

i bought the vodka because on mondays i technically play games online with my brothers who live abroad. i was going to play tonight and have a drink. it is literally the only social thing i do. but she at least 50% of the time causes a fight or otherwise makes sure it doesn't happen.

as i say, not sure what i hope to achieve bu this aside from writing it all down to help me calm down a bit. i can't talk to anybody about it all on the phone. she listens in.

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