Chronic illness taking toll on mental health

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My chronic illness is taking its toll on my mental health. I've spent the last 12 years with no diagnosis trying to live as normal life as I can. Now new symptoms are appearing and it's causing severe anxiety and I feel like the fight in me is disappearing. I live for doc appt after doc appt trying to find a reason as to why I'm sick.

I'm 28 years old. I should be going on dates, getting into relationships, getting married, having a career! I should be living my life! I haven't dated anyone in 3 years. I haven't hugged, kissed, touched anyone in "that" way. I can't even think about sex. I can't even imagine someone wanting to be with me because of all of this.

I focus on one thing and one thing only: being sick. Being sick is #1 in my life and I hate it. I think about it from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I can't even have normal conversations with people anymore because the only thing I talk about is my illness. All I do is research reasons as to why I'm ill - hoping, praying for a cure. I'm obsessed with wanting to feel better.

I feel as if there are forces working against me because I can't be happy. Everytime I'm happy, something goes wrong. I'm actually terrified of being happy because it's become an omen to me. I feel like even writing this is going to bring me bad karma.

I try to stay positive, I really do. I'm a good person. I help people when I can. I don't kill animals or insects. I'm funny and friendly and overall a genuinely nice person. I'm just sad that I'm sick.

On top of my chronic illness, I have other issues I'm getting looked at such as breast lump and lump in thigh. I feel like I can't win.

I am very very very grateful I'm not worse than I am but I just so badly want to live. I just want to live my life. I want to travel. I want to go to concerts. I want to fall in love. I don't want to be trapped anymore.

I just want to feel alive.

I feel bad writing on here but I can't drive myself to therapy. I just feel so alone at times that I don't know where to turn.

If anyone reads this, thank you for your time.

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Do you want to say any more about your chronic illness, is it cancer or an eating  disorder?
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    • Posted

      did you know that Drs can perform a manouvre to eliminate vertigo by twisting your head and moving about on a couch? I should look into it.

      Unfortunately I can't remember what it's called but it works

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  • Posted

    Hi Hayhue

    I'm sorry you're struggling! When I read your story I felt so much empathy toward you - I too am 28 and I've had a chronic condition for 9 years which has left me feeling trapped inside a body I've grown go resent.

    I totally get that feeling that you feel like you should be out there living a 'normal' life - dating, working, and enjoying yourself! - but instead your trapped in a body that won't let you do those things and you just want an answer!! I feel like I'm going to be 30 soon and I'm going to have missed out on my entire 20's - and these are meant to be some of the best years of our lives!!

    I would do anything for a 'cure' - and I have people in my life trying to convince me to just accept my condition and learn to live the best possible life with the condition I have. But that's not good enough for me! I want to be able to do the things I watch my friends do!

    I don't have any answers for you (sorry!!) but I felt like I just had to let you know that there is someone else out there who gets it, and I really hope you find all the answers your looking for.

    Take care xoxo

    P.S. why do you feel you can't go to therapy? I know its not for everyone, but I started seeing some one last October and she is literally one of the few things keeping me going and helping me fight smile might be worth looking into if you felt able to take that step?

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your reply. It really means a lot. It's always nice to know you're not alone. It is very frustrating not being able to do what everything else is doing.

      I can't drive myself because my illness is dizziness & vertigo. Lately I've been having vertigo episodes out of nowhere so I don't trust myself to drive and even when I finally go somewhere it's hard for me to walk and I'm afraid I'm going to fall and I panic.

      I've been good with it but those sudden vertigo episodes that are new have my health anxiety to the max. That's why I posted here. I just feel like I have 0 nerves and sanity left.

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