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My chronic illness is taking its toll on my mental health. I've spent the last 12 years with no diagnosis trying to live as normal life as I can. Now new symptoms are appearing and it's causing severe anxiety and I feel like the fight in me is disappearing. I live for doc appt after doc appt trying to find a reason as to why I'm sick.
I'm 28 years old. I should be going on dates, getting into relationships, getting married, having a career! I should be living my life! I haven't dated anyone in 3 years. I haven't hugged, kissed, touched anyone in "that" way. I can't even think about sex. I can't even imagine someone wanting to be with me because of all of this.
I focus on one thing and one thing only: being sick. Being sick is #1 in my life and I hate it. I think about it from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I can't even have normal conversations with people anymore because the only thing I talk about is my illness. All I do is research reasons as to why I'm ill - hoping, praying for a cure. I'm obsessed with wanting to feel better.
I feel as if there are forces working against me because I can't be happy. Everytime I'm happy, something goes wrong. I'm actually terrified of being happy because it's become an omen to me. I feel like even writing this is going to bring me bad karma.
I try to stay positive, I really do. I'm a good person. I help people when I can. I don't kill animals or insects. I'm funny and friendly and overall a genuinely nice person. I'm just sad that I'm sick.
On top of my chronic illness, I have other issues I'm getting looked at such as breast lump and lump in thigh. I feel like I can't win.
I am very very very grateful I'm not worse than I am but I just so badly want to live. I just want to live my life. I want to travel. I want to go to concerts. I want to fall in love. I don't want to be trapped anymore.
I just want to feel alive.
I feel bad writing on here but I can't drive myself to therapy. I just feel so alone at times that I don't know where to turn.
If anyone reads this, thank you for your time.
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