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I have been a depressive all my life, so were my parents and parents before them. Ive also always suffered from insomnia for as long as I have lived, even as a baby I have been told that I never napped and would only sleep for a few hours nightly. In my youth I saw therapists and smoked weed which mostly kept me in check. After the suicide of my dearest friend in our late teens things got really bad, I lost any drive to get out of bed, I never left the house, i never ate or slept, I finally found help in Zopiclone and Lorazepam, I was finally able to sleep every night and leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I went on like this for a while, doing ok, I started studying and working and fell in love, Life was good for a while, my relationship had its ups and downs and at times would add to my anxiety, there were loyalty and trust issues which were not ideal for an anxious person as myself. My Dr decided that I was becoming to reliant on the meds and put a stop to the Zopiclone and limited the Lorazepam, he prescribed me with Citalopram, 1 pill per day, I liked the sound of them because he told me that they were not at all addictive and I could go off the cold turkey when ever I felt better with no side effects. Things carried on, I felt level mostly which for me was pretty good. I was on them for about a year before me and my partner broke up due to a final act of monumental deceit, It was a relationship with much turmoil, but it was some sort of stability and I needed it and I truly loved him with my all. My depression poured back in, everything fall apart again, my body was covered in stress induced eczema. It was around this time that I started getting intense night sweats, I would wake up with the bed soaked and my clothes dripping, my Dr said this was probably because I wasn't on a high enough dose so he put me up to 1 and a half per day...nothing changed, I was sad about my relationship break up..shortly after that I lost my job because I stopped turning up, I fell out with friends and isolated myself from everyone and everything, My anxiety and sleepless nights were still there on and off, I had 3 deaths of family members in the space of 3 moths last year so that screwed me and had me reaching for the sleeping pills again But mostly I was.just kinda feeling nothing, I was always sad, empty, but never really cried, just felt like an empty mass of nothing dressed as a human...which I must say is definitely my preference as opposed to the deep depression that I felt before taking any prescription meds..I'd say the likeness of me still being alive is very small if it wasn't for them, I started seeing a guy about a year ago, tho I had no interest in him at all, he liked me (god knows why) we would hang out sometimes, occasionally get romantic, tho I had absolutely no interest and almost despised it..but for some reason he has stuck around even tho I have had nothing to offer him. About 2 weeks ago I ran out of my citalopram prescription so I didn't take any for a few days...then for a week...I felt no difference. I went to the doctor to get a new prescription, he asked how things had been, i explained that they were much the same although I had had some job opportunities come up in the past few months but as per usual the panic of screwing them up got to my and I pulled out last minute...like always, He gave me a script of loraz and suggested that I replace citalopram with a new medication..its called Venlafaxine. As i said before I had ran out of my Citalopram script about 2 weeks prior and had no real come downs or withdrawals other then a great side effect was that I had a sex drive again, (it had been years) and decided that I really loved this guy that i had been seeing and it was probably the best week of our relationship ever...,,but about 4 days ago i started uncontrollably throwing up for 24 hours...and now for the past 3 days I am so dizzy I feel like when I move my head my brain takes a few seconds to catch up and it makes me feel super nauseous, Ive been sleeping all day and its so hard to move my body feels so heavy and off balance, like I cant hold the weight of my own head up. Im hungry all of the time. At night my sleep is constantly interrupted, tossing and turning..Today I am not as dizzy and have been able to walk properly and drove a little too but i'm on the verge of tears all the time, like I wrote this post before and then accidently deleted it and burst into tears! Ridiculous i know. Also I am becoming more and more co dependant on my guy..something I never wanted or saw coming, was not even really attracted to him until i stopped citalopram, but now i feel like I need him around my constantly...I don't know what to do..I don't wanna be reliant on citalopram forever just to be able to feel average enough to want to stay alive but I dont want to feel this horrible dizzy, sickly come down either, the only good thing outta this is that i've been wanting to have sex again for the first time in years and its really, really good! But even within that...is it real, the love I feel for this guy or is it just a Citalopram comedown thats gonna hurt him when it wares off? I haven't started taking the new script 'Venlafaxine". I don't want to...because I know the come down from that too will have to come one day..So I don't know which road to take now, keep 'coming down' or 'go back up'...Has anyone experiences anything similar?
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