Citalopram withdrawal after 17 years

I've been on 20mg of Citalopram for 17 years. My mental health is stable while taking this and a few times over the years I've wondered if I still needed to be on it and I've tried to wean off it but have had to go back on it due to my depressive symptoms returning. Due to this my GP was of the opinion that I should stay on it long term which I was happy with.

18 months ago I moved to a new town with my husband and my new GP surgery have a very different view. They are very much of the opinion that you shouldn't be on antidepressants long term. Soon after registering with them I was contacted and asked to go for a medication review. At the appointment I was basically told I had been on it too long and needed to come off it. I told them I wanted to do it slowly due to my previous weaning attempts which I believe were done too fast so I was told to reduce from 20mg to 10mg for 6 months then stop completely. I was fine for the first couple of months then my depressive symptoms returned again. I tried to stick it out but after a couple of months of feeling miserable I went back to the doctor and was told to increase my dose back up to 20mg. I did this and within a few weeks started feeling better. After I had been on the increased dose for 6 months I was contacted again and asked to go for a medication review. Again at the review I was told I needed to try coming off it again and was given the same instructions as last time. Again, within a couple of months of lowering the dose my symptoms were back. I felt low, lost all interest in things I usually enjoy, was tearful, moody, irritable, I started having suicidal thoughts. Back I went to the GP and again was told to increase my dose back up to 20mg and was told it will be reviewed again in 6 months.

Each time I see or speak to a GP it's someone different, I've never seen the same GP more than once but they all seem to have one goal, to get me off antidepressants. I can't keep going through this every 6 months, increasing then decreasing my meds so after the last appointment I decided I was going to try and see it through and get off it completely. I did contemplate changing surgeries but how do I know that the next surgery won't have the same view? I don't want my happiness to depend on a someone else and whether or not they write me a prescription. I want to, if I can, manage without medication.

So after my last appointment which was around a month ago, instead of increasing my dose back up to 20mg, I reduced from 10mg to 5mg and have been on this dose for 4 weeks. I have good days and bad days. I definitely feel down and I don't feel like doing anything and don't really have any motivation but I've been pushing myself to do things like exercise and meditate. Some days I feel ok although I'm definitely more moody and irritable then usual and some days I feel really low and tearful.

I've been on antidepressants for 17 years so I know it's going to take a while for my brain to adjust and settle down. I do wonder how much of how I'm feeling is due to the fact I'm withdrawing from these drugs and how much is actually a return of my depression. I've been reading online about antidepressants discontinuation syndrome and wonder if this is what I'm experiencing rather than my depression returning. I feel like if it's just the withdrawal process and I know it will ease eventually then I could see it through.

I just wondered if anyone has any experience of coming off antidepressants after a long time and what your experience was?

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