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Where to start.
First prescribed these nasty little pills in 2011 for torn muscle in my back. Fast forward to 2018 totally hooked, addicted and a slave to the next dose.
I cannot believe the things I have done and the lengths I have gone to to stay on these horrible little pills. I admitted to my husband what was going on around November time I think it was then,anyone taking these will know what they do to ur memory. Totally messed up. The last 12 to 18 months which has been the height of my addiction my memory has been awful,shocking in fact. Anyways I agreed to start tapering them as was taking around 16 30/500 a day plus around 4 to 5 co codamol and up to 3 sleeping tablets a night with the occasional amitriptyline thrown in for good measure. I have my tablets to my husband and took the reduced numbers for a while he thinks I got down to around 5 to 6 tablets a day when in fact I would think nothing of stealing his dyhracodiene from the cupboard to make up dose but managed to stick at around 300 to 360mg codeine per day for a cpl weeks. Last few weeks I have slipped back i found a few hiding spots where he had my co codamol and pinched them. I have visited out of hours for sore throat and pretended to have no tablets and been given 30 which I took in 3 days on top of the 5 to 6 my husband was giving me. I have stolen way more than I should from his prescription (which he needs due to having several things wrong with him) (it's his tramadol also but we have stock pile of these as he doesn't use them all up) (also s one of his sleeping tablets on top of my own prescription often leaving us short and me totally not caring) on Sunday I decided I couldn't do this any more I told my husband I was going to get serious about this and get off them. (I didn't admit to all I just wrote and I won't until such a time comes in the next week or so when his dyhracodiene has run out and he will have to take my co codamol for his pain. I am hoping to be in a better place by then and he will c how far I have come and find it in his heart to forgive me as I don't think I will forgive myself, more than the withdrawals I am in fear of the guilt and the having to face up to what I have been doing to myself and my family and regretting all the time i have wasted and lost forever)
I am off work for a week
Monday came I had planned trip to cinema so had told my husband I would have 2 to make sure I didn't let her down. In reality I had 6 30/500 and 2 solpadiene max. Still a reduction but still a lie. Last dose was around 9pm.
Tuesday came and I really did try but I was on such a downer I had restless legs sweats pains in stomach and realised that due to having a house to run my hubby to look after (doing such great job that eh stealing his medication for my own selfish habit) and having 2 kids to look after that I could not do this cold turkey as can't afford bed rest for week or more so decided no more "big ones" I will be good I said cos I really want to give up so I had 2 solpadiene max at 11.30 then again at 2.30 then again at 5.30 then at 6 or 7pm I caved and took 4 out the 30/500 box. I should tell my husband to move them as I know where they are but afraid he will get rid of them when I know he is going to need them or maybe I can't let go yet. I felt terrible with myself back to lying and failing yet again so again looked online and came across the Thomas recipe so got everything from the list except for the diazepam figured my sleeping tablet should help me sleep (I am down to 1 of these a night for last few weeks) and take kalms nights along with them.
Wednesday I had the last 2 solpadiene max then I went out and bought 8/500 as decided wasn't paying for anymore solpadiene max and wasn't going to take any more 30/500. Decided today was the day. Had 2 8/500 at 12pm then caved and stole another 2 dihydracodiene knowing full well there was already not enough there. I will start again tm it will be fine what's the problem I have went from 400 odd my a day to hardly any it be fine.
Then at night I cried again something that anyone in this situation will probably have done a hundred times over. I have no control totally out of control killing myself each day. Everyday telling myself I would give up tomorrow I would change and clinging on desperately believing it wanting to believe it hoping that it would come true.
I woke up yesterday and thought I really have had enough I have 4 days left off work and I need to make them count as not off again until April. What was evident was I couldn't just flick a switch and stop. Deep down I always knew this. Yesterday was different I fought thro and managed on 4 x 8/500 I couldn't believe it only 64mg codeine the whole day.
I wanted to give in and thought about it the whole day in fact I am still thinking of it now (today is Friday and I have had 3 x 8/500 today hopefully just another dose, horrible tho still living dose to dose) last 2 days been horrible headaches, aching body especially my neck, sore stomach and diarreah,restless, irritable,warm,cold and sweats to name the worst symptoms I don't know how people go cold turkey I really don't cause right now I just want to give in telling myself there is people on higher doses than me and they r fine what's the difference in having a few pills in a day than having a few coffees to see u thru. I know this is the addict in me,she's like a different person,I don't know her,but the old me feels completely possessed by her. Any tips on how to shut it out?
Taking the Thomas recipe stuff and I am feeling proud of myself for last 2 days but can't help but think of long road aahead and so scared of all my feelings coming thru. I want to be better I deffo know that. I'm scared tho.
Sorry for long post and it being a bit all over the place thanks for reading and taking time out of your day to do so.
Thanks,just another cocodamol addict xx
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