Cocodamol addict . Selfish but its my 1st and foremost

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Where to start.

First prescribed these nasty little pills in 2011 for torn muscle in my back. Fast forward to 2018 totally hooked, addicted and a slave to the next dose.

I cannot believe the things I have done and the lengths I have gone to to stay on these horrible little pills. I admitted to my husband what was going on around November time I think it was then,anyone taking these will know what they do to ur memory. Totally messed up. The last 12 to 18 months which has been the height of my addiction my memory has been awful,shocking in fact. Anyways I agreed to start tapering them as was taking around 16 30/500 a day plus around 4 to 5 co codamol and up to 3 sleeping tablets a night with the occasional amitriptyline thrown in for good measure. I have my tablets to my husband and took the reduced numbers for a while he thinks I got down to around 5 to 6 tablets a day when in fact I would think nothing of stealing his dyhracodiene from the cupboard to make up dose but managed to stick at around 300 to 360mg codeine per day for a cpl weeks. Last few weeks I have slipped back i found a few hiding spots where he had my co codamol and pinched them. I have visited out of hours for sore throat and pretended to have no tablets and been given 30 which I took in 3 days on top of the 5 to 6 my husband was giving me. I have stolen way more than I should from his prescription (which he needs due to having several things wrong with him) (it's his tramadol also but we have stock pile of these as he doesn't use them all up) (also s one of his sleeping tablets on top of my own prescription often leaving us short and me totally not caring) on Sunday I decided I couldn't do this any more I told my husband I was going to get serious about this and get off them. (I didn't admit to all I just wrote and I won't until such a time comes in the next week or so when his dyhracodiene has run out and he will have to take my co codamol for his pain. I am hoping to be in a better place by then and he will c how far I have come and find it in his heart to forgive me as I don't think I will forgive myself, more than the withdrawals I am in fear of the guilt and the having to face up to what I have been doing to myself and my family and regretting all the time i have wasted and lost forever)

I am off work for a week

Monday came I had planned trip to cinema so had told my husband I would have 2 to make sure I didn't let her down. In reality I had 6 30/500 and 2 solpadiene max. Still a reduction but still a lie. Last dose was around 9pm.

Tuesday came and I really did try but I was on such a downer I had restless legs sweats pains in stomach and realised that due to having a house to run my hubby to look after (doing such great job that eh stealing his medication for my own selfish habit) and having 2 kids to look after that I could not do this cold turkey as can't afford bed rest for week or more so decided no more "big ones" I will be good I said cos I really want to give up so I had 2 solpadiene max at 11.30 then again at 2.30 then again at 5.30 then at 6 or 7pm I caved and took 4 out the 30/500 box. I should tell my husband to move them as I know where they are but afraid he will get rid of them when I know he is going to need them or maybe I can't let go yet. I felt terrible with myself back to lying and failing yet again so again looked online and came across the Thomas recipe so got everything from the list except for the diazepam figured my sleeping tablet should help me sleep (I am down to 1 of these a night for last few weeks) and take kalms nights along with them.

Wednesday I had the last 2 solpadiene max then I went out and bought 8/500 as decided wasn't paying for anymore solpadiene max and wasn't going to take any more 30/500. Decided today was the day. Had 2 8/500 at 12pm then caved and stole another 2 dihydracodiene knowing full well there was already not enough there. I will start again tm it will be fine what's the problem I have went from 400 odd my a day to hardly any it be fine.

Then at night I cried again something that anyone in this situation will probably have done a hundred times over. I have no control totally out of control killing myself each day. Everyday telling myself I would give up tomorrow I would change and clinging on desperately believing it wanting to believe it hoping that it would come true.

I woke up yesterday and thought I really have had enough I have 4 days left off work and I need to make them count as not off again until April. What was evident was I couldn't just flick a switch and stop. Deep down I always knew this. Yesterday was different I fought thro and managed on 4 x 8/500 I couldn't believe it only 64mg codeine the whole day.

I wanted to give in and thought about it the whole day in fact I am still thinking of it now (today is Friday and I have had 3 x 8/500 today hopefully just another dose, horrible tho still living dose to dose) last 2 days been horrible headaches, aching body especially my neck, sore stomach and diarreah,restless, irritable,warm,cold and sweats to name the worst symptoms I don't know how people go cold turkey I really don't cause right now I just want to give in telling myself there is people on higher doses than me and they r fine what's the difference in having a few pills in a day than having a few coffees to see u thru. I know this is the addict in me,she's like a different person,I don't know her,but the old me feels completely possessed by her. Any tips on how to shut it out?

Taking the Thomas recipe stuff and I am feeling proud of myself for last 2 days but can't help but think of long road aahead and so scared of all my feelings coming thru. I want to be better I deffo know that. I'm scared tho.

Sorry for long post and it being a bit all over the place thanks for reading and taking time out of your day to do so.

Thanks,just another cocodamol addict xx

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi, well done for wanting to give up, admiring you have a problem is so so difficult, I’m on day 17 the first week was hard as hell I won’t lie but, it gets easier..I went cold turkey and was determined to stick with it, what helped was the fact Codeine can’t be bought over the counter here in Australia anymore and I wasn’t going to go get a script for them. I think the best thing you could do for your self is go speak to your doctor about it and get them to help you, they have programs that help get u off it and medication to help with the withdrawal process, I suggest this because you seem to be struggling with staying away from them and knowing that ur husband has them in the house isn’t helpful as it’s so easy to relapse when the withdrawals get bad. I hope your ok!! Just know your stronger than the tablets keep mentally strong! I cried so much over the first week, anything and everything set me off, so yes that’s normal.. Please seek a doctors help, you can beat this!! 
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    • Posted

      Hi neena thanks for reading my story and for replying. Because I am on sleeping tablets and antidepressants as well 8 worry if I tell doctor he will stop those which I can't so at moment. Too much change will make me fail. I want to be completely pill free by end of year.

      Been reading about Australia not doing oTC Any more as of 1st Feb must be lot of people over there struggling we in UK so don't have that. Must be terrible.

      Well done u for gettingbto day 17 that really is an amazing achievement how do u feel?do u feel it over the worst? I think it will be the mental addiction which will be hardest to overcome xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi! Yeah the worst is over the most I’m still suffering with is feeling shaky more so I’m the mornings for a few hours, and I haven’t got huge amounts of energy, but it’s getting better, sounds silly but I find just going for a drive along the coast so therapeutic, and it gets me out and moving, I’m thinking I’m going to go buy some multi vitamins mainly because I haven’t been eating a great deal and I feel that could be contributing to the lack of energy. 

      It’s been a good thing that they have made it all prescription based because I have found I haven’t just been able to cave in and go buy them, and I doubt I would have gotten off them had this change not have been made, it’s still a massive mental challenge that I’m constantly fighting with but again can’t buy them so no point letting it get to me. It’s such a hard habit to break but the more honest you are with your self the better your chances. I hope your feeling ok. 

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    • Posted

      Thanks again for it reply. Ur right it is a constant battle but one that we need to win. We will get there bit by bit and without thinking it will get longer and longer in between thinking about them but I suppose that will take time.

      Neena how many were u taking daily if u dont mind me asking?

      I have managed today again with 4 doses of 2 8/500 I can't believe that's 3 days with this dose compared to what I was taking I am proud of myself. I managed to get out for couple of hours today and although I really thought I couldn't face it I am so glad I went did me world of good. I am back to work tomorrow though so this will be big test for me as so used to bebeing under stress at job that I use the codeine as a crutch to get thru xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi!!  I was taking between 30-40 a day but about a month before they were to become prescription only I started to cut back not by many but I think enough to make a difference and help me on my way to getting off them.  I have found work really hard as I’m always on my feet in and out of cars all day and a lot of moving around and I’m still getting a lot of cramping in my legs I have taken to having 2 salt tablets a day to help out along with some magnesium at night. Plus my other half gives them a good massage before I go to sleep which has helped. My biggest problem is I still don’t have a huge amount of energy, but I’m thinking this has to do with a lack of multi vitamins as I wasn’t able to eat much over the last week and a half even though I tried the most I could stomach was soup so there isn’t much nutritional value in that. So tomorrow I’ll go pick up some multi vitamins and get them into me and hope they help me out a bit more. I think your doing well to get down to only a couple a day your doing great keep mentally strong and fight the urge to take more.  Be proud of how far u have come and keep up the great work! 
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    • Posted

      Ur doing so well neena!how ru feeling today?I have been very restless and irritated and almost gave in and took the 30/500 but i stopped myself and i am glad i did although i cannot wait until bedtime to get this day by with. I had planned to drop a tablet today to get down to 7 x 8/500 but I think was putting too much pressure on myself and this is why my cravings have bothered me more. It doesn't help that pill popping is rife in my work and packets pills getting flung across desks but that's 2 days been back at work xxx

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    • Posted

      Hey! Well it’s day 20 and the last 2 days I have felt great, the tiredness and feeling sluggish and slow has moved on and I now finally feel free of the drug! I still have the to odd urge more so when s**t gets stressful at work but I have taken to ignoring that thought and moving along, the RLS has finally gone still get agitated at times but I find getting on with what ever I’m doing helps heaps! This is the longest I have gone with out some type of Codeine product so I’m super stoked to finally be free of it!! And the money I have saved alone in not having to buy them is crazy!! You don’t realise just how much u spend on them until u don’t anymore!! I do hope your doing well it must be hard when they are with in easy reach at work. Don’t be to hard on your self we all slip up but as long as you can pick yourself back up, it isn’t a fail. Keep staying strong x
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