Return of severe depression :(

Hello,

This is probably the longest post youve ever seen and i apologise but i feel a need to give the details. I have two questions really at the end...

I'm 21 and in Sept 2015 when i went away to uni I had a major mental breakdown and only managed to stay there for 2 weeks before i had to go home - couldnt eat and felt absolute terror all the time, thay everything was dark and bleak and id never be happy and couldnt possibly be alone for a second. Im pretty sure id been depressed my whole adolescence but leaving the safety and familiarity of home and facing the world definitely triggered severe depression. I didnt have many friends or a boyfriend or anything then. Started CBT on the nhs (after a night feeling suicidal) which didnt really do anything but i no longer felt severely depressed all the time because i was back in the safety of home. I knew id have to reapply for uni for the next year which i felt no optimism about but just hopelessness and terror at the thought of going away (i should have stayed in my hometown for uni i realise now). I started making new friends through one of my only school friends (i had very few because i hid myself away in my bedroom as a teenager because as i now realise i was a depressed person)  and became really into a guy in that group - this fixation distracted me from depression and lifted me a bit but as i know now (again) this didnt erase my underlying illness and fragility. Then in sept 2016 went away to uni, first few days felt the same as the year before (the overwhelming fear and that ill never ever be happy, everything was dark). Went to the GP and he prescribed me 50mg of sertraline which i started taking and i felt at a normal level again quite quickly, but again i had become interested in a guy i lived with which once again in my mind represented hope and distracted me...so i dont know if it was the drugs or the distraction. Was coping well, the in jan this year started a relationship with the first guy i was interested in and we fell in love very quickly. My whole world lit up and i was actually happy for the first time since i was a kid that i can remember, couldnt remember what it felt like to be down. I thought i was cured for life. Again, i now know things are much more complex than that. Since then, particularly up to summer i had the very occasional low moment but that would last no more than a few hours. Particularly i noticed when i wasnt with my bf and was alone and had to find things to do alone, i felt a bit low. Come summer, i knew id be returning to uni and that that was approaching soon, so my depressive moments were more frequent and lower as well. I cried quite a few times at the thought of going hours away to uni where i have few friends and to a place i actually find quite bleak, away from my good friends, family and bf. i think then i could sense depression really returning but you can never really know what will happen. Its important to say since i started taking sertraline and particularly post january when factors in my life changed and improved so much for the better, i have felt less like sertraline was a lifeline ( i didnt know if it was the drugs working or if i was just happy) so i would run out of it and go from days to over a week before id pick up my next prescription every once in a while, or be too lazy to take it a few days in a row. This i think caused me to be a bit lower sometimes but never caused anything awful or unbearable like id experienced before. When it came to returning to uni last week, i had been off my antideprssants for about half a week or maybe a bit more, so i got there and over the course of 3 days descended into what i think was another mental breakdown, crying all day and desperately calling my loved ones on the phone. I felt suicidal at this point. I decided i had to get the next bus home. I got my prescription the next day and am on my third day of taking the sertraline again after over a week off it. I have felt absolute terror of life and the world for the past 4 mornings and afternoons, then i stabilise to normalcy in the eve and nighttime. This is very odd because in the past it has always been that im ok until about early-mid afternoon, then lower, then ok again at night time. The way im feeling goes from up to down within minutes which is confusing and exhausting. Im scared i will never feel ok again. I desperately dont want to leave home again to go to uni. Ive realised now that just because i have a relationship and a life that doesnt mean im magically ok. I need to be able to be ok in myself and i know only therapy can help me to understand how to do that. I have set up my first psychotherapy session for next week but i feel very little hope that it can help me. Has anyone else had severe depression and been helped by psychotherapy (not CBT)? Im also scared the drugs wont be able to help me. How long do you think theyll take to make me feel normal again after only a week off them. Ive also only ever taken 50mg so do you think a higher dose would truly work in making me feel less terrible?? 

Thank you if youve read this and i hope anyone can give me some hope that its possible to ever feel ok again.

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