EARLY MORNING DREADS, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
Posted , 14 users are following.
Hello
I posted here years ago about joint pain. I was at the very early stage of experiencing the life changes that happen as we enter peri meno and menopause. I thought I was dying. All new to me. Palpitations, sudden waking at night, unable to move in the mornings due to sore joints, extreme anxiety, breathing problems (asthma) rapid heartbeat..I had all known symptoms. To cut a very long menopausal story short…my copeable symptoms morphed into a living hell of other issues, including suicidal depression.I hope to help others by this discussion. Please please use this thread as a way to channel your own depressive and suicidal feelings into words, in the hope we can all help each other and lower the numbers of misunderstood, ‘mad’ women.
In 2014, my beloved elder sister committed suicide. She had a history of depression, culminating in her taking her own life at age 56, after entering and experiencing the hormonal cyclone known simply as ‘menopause’.
I personally have struggled with suicidal thoughts since the onset of meno. I believe it is less of a genetic connection, and all to do with a chemical imbalance - all set off by lowered levels of oestrogen and subsequent lack of serotonin. I have struggled to make my feelings known to my GP and the NHS in general. I believe women have - and still do - struggle with this since time began…being burned as witches, committed to asylums, misunderstood etc.
I have been on Prozac for 15 years, without which I firmly believe I would have taken my own life.
For me, it all began after the onset of peri when I was around 49. I have a number of posts on here under my name Lesley998 if you wish to read up.
In 2015 I awoke one morning literally wishing I was dead. It almost came out of nowhere. I had been feeling low, but until this date I had never felt suicidal. I remember waking up and immediately realising I wished I hadn’t. I stared the wall and willed myself to being asleep or at least unconscious again. I have a good, easy life. Wonderful husband. No money worries. Grown kids. But, I could not face the day ahead. I remember feeling that I just wanted to sleep, to die, to be unaware of life.
I now know this was nothing to do with my life, or feelings or the environment I found myself in. This was organic - psychologic - not imagined. I had a severe lack of important hormones and brain chemicals that were making me feel like this and it was all to do with MENOPAUSE.
The four most important brain chemicals are serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine. Normal levels cause feelings of safety, calmness, happiness and self confidence.
Deficiency can cause feelings of self obsession, low self esteem, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, fear and suicidal thoughts.
I am not a health specialist or doctor, so I cannot really comment more. But I KNOW without a doubt that my suicidal feelings and early morning depression (well known in meno forums as the ‘morning dreads’) were caused by lack of brain chemicals and hormones. Lack of serotonin and too much adrenaline and cortisol.
I would awake with a feeling of dread and depression..and writhing legs and feet…I literally could not keep my feet still in the bed. A known effect of adrenals producing too much cortisol.
I am lucky. I persuaded my GP to put me on an antidepressant (old style Prozac) without which I would not be here writing this. I can’t say I am back to normal, but I no longer wish to kill myself.
Please. Share your stories here. Let us all help each other
Lesley 998
8 likes, 9 replies
Theeamazon Lesley998
Posted
Thank u for being so open and real. I have gone through the same. i just started Prozac 1 month ago and i actually see a light at the end of the tunnel.
therese72856 Lesley998
Posted
Thank you for reminding us , we're normal . Im in peri just now & cant believe how much my whole personalty has changed. I now have health anxiety & some days feel so weak , I just want to sleep . I have a fear of driving in the dark all of a sudden too . Nightmares about leaving my son alone . The list is endless .
Guest Lesley998
Posted
Lesley,
First I want to say how sorry I am about the loss of your sister.
I also want to say how eloquent your post is. Your words resonate with me and I am sure hundreds of other women.
This forum (and another that I am a member of) is what has allowed me to not feel like I am the only woman in the world going through this. I don't know where I would be without it.
I live a day by day existence now. Some say this is the way we ought to live our lives ("one day at a time") and to a degree I agree with that. However, for me, it is because I can no longer count on myself and how I am going to feel day to day. Planning an event leaves me anxiety ridden. Will I feel well? Will I be able to attend and if so enjoy an event?
Emotionally, I am a shell of who I used to be. This menopause journey and all that comes with it has slowly eroded my sense of self. Physically, there is rarely a day that I am not suffering from something. Today it is awful nausea and muscle tension. Other days, it is terrible bloating or gerd. Unfortunately, at least 4x a month it is debilitating migraines. Like Therese, I also have new fears that were never part of my daily life before peri/meno.
Thankfully, I still have days every month when I return to myself. I feel well. I feel strong. I feel capable. I feel peace. I feel like 'me'. I relish those days.
Thank you for your honesty and candor. I wish you and all of us more 'me' days during this journey.
staci88515 Lesley998
Posted
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Honestly, the women of this forum have provided me with immense piece of mind. I don't know how I would have endured these past few months without them. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.
Alllie Lesley998
Posted
To every one of you ladies out there ..... whatever your going through or have been, stay STRONG we will get there and this site is a life changer for us all so keep posting and take great care of yourself, 💕💕💕💕
love hugs and sharing helps us allXXxx
bev27429 Lesley998
Edited
Wow, Lesley, what a powerful post! Thank-you for taking the time to share. I understand the depths that perimenopause can take a woman to. Over the past 18 months, I have dealt with suicidal thinking, hopelessness, anxiety, terror...the list goes on. I have had a lot of the physical symptoms, too (extreme bloating, sweating, freezing...), but I can deal with them. It's the intensity of the psychological symptoms that are so difficult to bear.
I have moments, hours, days, when I feel perfectly well, but, at other times, I am in the absolute depths, feeling as though I have completely lost myself, and wondering if I will ever emerge again. Somehow, though, I always do. Still, it is a Herculean task to soldier on in the dark times.
I know that I have an amazing life (a successful business, a home on the ocean, a loving boyfriend, a supportive mother, great friends, lots of interests), but somehow I can't appreciate them when I am low, so low that it is difficult to just get into the shower and get on with my day. At these times, I often need phone support from those who love me to simply keep me going.
It is absolutely awful, but I take solace in the knowledge that this is a phase, so it will end one day. In the meantime, I move forward. No matter how awful the day, once it is over, it's over, and I can cross it off and hope for a better tomorrow.
I understand you completely, and I send you the strength and courage to continue to forge ahead.
Bev xo
patient_mod2 bev27429
Posted
Hi Bev27429
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patien
Brittay123 Lesley998
Posted
thank you for sharing!! I am 53 and have been in peri for a couple of years! I have bern having bilateral hip pain and leg pain that nothing seems to help!! beginning to make me depressed!! i pray this would end soon
beth10287 Lesley998
Posted
Leslie you sound a lot like me. About a month ago I start experiencing the same exact symptoms. I know that this is low hormones too. I am now taking Lexapro I started it about 10 days ago and I’m also using estradiol and progesterone. The racing random thoughts are still there but I still have the restless legs and the anxiety and the panic and the insomnia and the burning from inside he attacks at night. But my thought process is getting a little better now thank God. i am so aorry that uou are going through this too. i thought i was losing my mind. message me anytime uou want day or night ok!! ♥♥♥