Completely Alone and Hopeless

Posted , 13 users are following.

I am alone for New Years Eve.

I am sitting at home completely by myself. I don't even know where to begin with how I am feeling right now.

I have a constant ache in my chest, my fingers are aching, I am on the verge of constant tears.

I have a partner (maybe had), and we had an argument last night about their tendancies to sneak off to the pub. Me being me said I want them to leave me alone and only contact me again once they have their priorities in order.

I have not heard anything since.

I am now trying to come to terms with spending tonight by myself and starting the New Year alone.

My partner knows of my depression and anxiety, they attended with me my last meeting with a psychiatric doctor at the local mental health centre and they were invited in at the end for a brief.

Right now I feel like I have no one. No friends have reached out to me. No partner who cares. No family who are present.

Last night I felt close to ending my life, closer than I have ever been. I wrote a suicide note, I collected all the medications in the house and lined them up. I did not go through with it, because I promised myself I would make one final push for the morning. The morning has been and gone and I am hurting so much I feel like each breath is ripping the hole in my chest further open.

No amount of Google searches on how to spend tonight alone has helped. The advice given is meaningless. I read it and feel nothing.

'Read a book' - I cannot sit still

'Call a friend' - I have no one

'Watch TV and order pizza' - I am sick of TV and I have no appetite

Meaningless to me.

For the past 3 hours I have paced around the house feeling empty and lost. I stand in each room and gaze around and then return to my bed to hide.

I wish I could build the courage to end my life. It feels like the better option.

Is anyone else feeling like this? Has anyone else gone through this?

I need some words from those who truly understand. I need someone to ease my mind.

4 likes, 18 replies

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18 Replies

  • Posted

    I am going through the same situation.I have panic attacks and depression. I have moved to a new country and I don't know many people here,I feel alone,I cant sleep at night and I just want to be normal again.I know it is not easy,I know howhat you feel but this is a challenge with ourselves, we should do the best to go out of this.even it is hard ,life is beautiful. Please don't ever think again to do sth to yourself.You are worth to live,to enjoy life.After the rain come the rainbow, there are such beautiful things that are waiting for you,just think positive.
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  • Posted

    I am so sorry......I don't know what else to say...except hold on, because there are many people on here why will know how to try to help you.

    I just wish I could invite you to my house and give you an enormous hug as this year ends and the new one starts. 

    Don't do anything drastic, give the new year a chance to change how you are feeling now.

    Pat xxxxxxx

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    • Posted

      Hi Pat

      forgot to thank you for all your help to not only myself but many others. You keep us all going ♥

      Hopefully kage will see that we genuinely care and are here for her. Pat thanks from the heart for being there for me, in what has been the worse six months of my 55 years! God bless you always xxxx♥

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  • Posted

    Hi kage

    words can be meaningless when you are in total despair. What i would say to you, firstly I am so pleased you did not act upon your feelings yesterday. In reading your post (twice over) it occurred to me that you are at a serious juncture in your life. By lining up the tablets and writing a note, I instantly recognised this action is more than a cry for help. Kate I cannot make you feel better by my words, but that will not deter me from trying!! I won't give you the usual patter, as I'm sure you have already heard this. What I would say is loneliness has a time frame, arguments with our partners, have a time frame, hurting so badly has a time frame. Importantly feeling so hopeless and unwell has a time frame too.

    You have been extremely brave by not harming yourself and trying to push through your pain. Even though you feel so helpless right now Kage, it's important for you to understand that you are truly loved by others. I am sure your partner will be in touch, our illness can be very hard on our loved one too. But right now you are concentrating on the 'what if' eg my partner fails to get in touch, or what if I am alone on new years eve etc. I know it's scary, but these worries may not come to pass.

    Rather than looking at empty rooms, imagine those rooms as rooms that are going to hold fun and laughter in! it may not be today, tomorrow etc..but it will come kage ♥ right now you really need to reach out and get proper medical attention to alleviate your despair. Have you got a crisis line you can ring? It may help to talk things through with people that will be able to help with the compassion and respect you deserve.

    Please don't try to harm yourself again kage. ..We are all here for you ♥ we sincerely care about you and your well being ♥

    I'm alone tonight as my depression hasn't been great today. So here for you all through the evening into the new year if you need me.

    god bless you xx

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  • Posted

    You may be alone, but there are hundreds of us on here thinking of you, willing you on and loving you.

    If you can't distract yourself from your feelings of despair maybe just don't try so hard, just cry it out.

    But please, please, please keep yourself safe.

    If you don't think you are safe call an ambulance, if you want to talk to someone maybe call the Samaritans?

    Please just keep holding on. 2016 could be your year!

    I will be thinking of you and hoping you are well.

    Lots of love and best wishes,

    xxxxx

    Ps have you considered contacting your partner? Maybe you can resolve things? I hope you can.

    xxxxx

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  • Posted

    Thank you so much to everyone who replied. I am so touched by everything you have said. It helps to know one is not alone, and that others completely understand.

    I am going to reach out to my partner now. I hope they will be able to forgive me for my outburst.

    I wish I could hug all of you.

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  • Posted

    New Years Eve is a ridiculous holiday, nothing is changing - tomorrow will come as it always has. 

    Through my own experiences people put so much pressure on having a good night tonight yet it always seems to go wrong and ends up as a let down no matter what you're doing. 

    I'm on my own tonight, was supposed to see a friend but she's too busy with work and my other friend has started seeing someone so they're busy being all lovey dovey. So I am totally alone tonight too Kage, nobody to call or speak to, I too can't stand TV and have difficulty concentrating. But it's ok, tonight is like every other night in my mind (not exactly good) but, I'm going to drink a bottle of red wine and lye in bed. 

    I know a lot of people (who don't suffer from depression) but they've had their NYE plans fall through too, a lot of them have now wound up alone. 

    It's just another night, there's nothing special about new years eve in reality so don't worry about it too much. If you can contact your partner and have a chat with him, maybe sort things out then that'd be wonderful, it may take some of the stress out. 

    Do what you need to do to get through the night, everyone on this forum is here for you - keep posting, talk to us, we are here. 

    xxxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for understanding. I guess it is all the people around me who have been building up their preperations for tonight.

      I have a bottle of champagne in the fridge, which was being saved for tonight. I might have a small glass to myself.

       

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    • Posted

      It is very difficult when people are talking about all of their plans for a good night. I think that's a great idea, enjoy yourself, relax and if at any point things start to feel more difficult just write a little post on here xxx
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  • Posted

    Christmas and new year is just pooooooooooooo, so much pressure to be happy, you think everyone else is happy living there own full life, but its not true!!!

    there are alot of people struggling to get up in the morning, smoking rollie after rollie hoping to feel normal, but what is normal

    Good luck tonight, stay strong, thinking about you xx

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  • Posted

    You say your partner does not care, yet your partner attended your appointment with you, if they did not care I doubt they would have bothered.

    Unfortunately it is not easy supporting someone with depression and anxiety, the people who do their level best to support them are often blamed and pushed away, I've seen my whole family ripped apart but my husband's refusal to seek help and treatment there are many worse situations than mine, people abused and threatened by their depressed partners.

    I know how you feel, yes I do, I've had years of anxiety, depression and agoraphobia and I got through it, the reason I got through it is I worked hard at getting better and wanted to get better, I am sure if you want to get through this you will, take care.

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  • Posted

    Hi do your friends know what's happened with your partner?   If not that's probably why they haven't contacted you.  Why don't you ring and see what they are up to tonight and see if you can join them? 

    I live on my own and few of my friends go out on NYE.  I have text a couple who do but have had no reply.  I am not in a very sociable mood anyway so will probably stay in.  You won't by any means be the only person staying in tonight.  

    The festive period can bring to the fore other problems and remind some people like me of how alone they really are.   So put off this talk of taking your life until well afterwards and see how you feel.  A big hug for you.  Bev x

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  • Posted

    Hey u,

    i been in your shoes many times. Please don't hurt yourself. Please. I would go this far and give u my personnel phone nr. just to talk to u so u feel less alone.

    i have no friends and know how it is when u feel so alone that it hurts. Trust me a lot of people been there. Just don't stop believing that u can fix this. U can !!! It can and will get better .....never give up. 

    Let me know if u want to chat.....I'm here.

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  • Posted

    Kage you are NOT ALONE! My god if I could count on one hand how I've had the exact same feelings, feeling alone,wanting to just end it all no support from those who say there only at the end of the phone, when you do pluck up the courage to ring they really arnt interested!, which hurts even more.

    In 2009 my husband of 25yrs just came in 2wks b4 Christmas telling me I've met someone else and I'm leaving you just like it in all 25yrs meant nothing to him,then our only son got married and for the 1st time in my life I was totally alone,my 1st Christmas was spent in bed alone and confused wondering what I'd done so wrong? Well the next year felt like hell one day I'd be ok the next I wouldn't go out for days unless it was to

    I have had cancer several times I've put my all in to getting better and being a good wife sadly nothing I could do or say made me feel better I'd go out to the gp or to get shopping I lost 3st in weight I've only got one kidney no bladder and have half of my insides missing, in fact when my husband came to see me in critical care after I'd had my bladder removed, the nurse pulled back the sheet to make sure I was ok, after that I never had a visit from him so yet again I was alone, I have seen so many shrinks,counsellors yet still all I wanted was to die yes and I meant it but I didn't have the guts to just take all my drugs and just go to sleep and never wake up again.

    I was on God knows how many antidepressants sleeping pills plus my usual morphine yet I wrote so many goodbye notes yet still I didn't have the guts to end it all.

    After 2yrs of hell I woke up on my birthday thinking how much bloody more can I take? One day I was up in London waiting to find out if I still needed treatment, this man sat beside me and started talking to me all I wanted was him to leave me alone!,in the end I politely told him I didn't feel like talking, he looked at me and said, look I'm not going to give you a lecture on god and all that nonsense but you look so lonely I just wanted to see if I could cheer you up.

    For some reason I looked at this man and told him what had happened in my life and I wished I were dead and yes I meant it, he looked at me told me his life story he'd been very wealthy and lost it all due to his illnesses then he gave me his e-mail address and told me, look you've been through hell so have I but if you ever want to just blow of steam msg me, I thought no chance your nice enough but no thanks! If resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life.

    Several weeks later my house got flooded my mum and dad didn't want to know neither did my son, so I e-mailed this man told him I'd have to go into a b n b he told me get whatever you can get on a train and I'll meet you at the station I would never in a million years just do that! But I did he met me at the station I live in Hampshire he lives in London he met me the 1st thing I asked you don't have.a dog do you? Then he opened the door and this great big Rottweiler came towards me, I almost past out as I'm terrified of dogs, but over the weeks I got used to him plus this man had a full time carer so did I,but I couldn't go home for 18months as it took my housing association that long to fix my house!.

    To cut a boring story short I've been with this man almost 5yrs he knows about my issues and even though we are both ill (I'm now in renal failure and need a transplant) we are best friends and for the 1st time in my life I'm with a man I love (I never loved a man b4 I have always been bullied verbally and physically) now I'm with a man who gives me space when I'm down and who knows and understands me.

    Sorry if I've bored you to death all I can say is hang in there I've been gang raped abused and had other issues but at least I'm alive I now have a life not just an exsistance I'm still on antidepressants but I'm alive don't give up huni life is bloody hard but no matter where you go you'll find someone who understands just how your feeling I hope the new year is a better year for you Maria x

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  • Posted

    Hello, I understand how it feels to be alone and lonely. I ost my husband to suicide and it was just after new year a few years ago, so this time of the year holds bad memories. I have daughters and was informed by text that they were together tonight with their partners and was informed about what they were eating. I had no invite and that hurts. They know i am on my own, infact most of my days are alone. So i know how it feels. I have tried everything over the years going to bed early, that don't work because the fireworks start early until at least 1am. one year i went for a walk round the block at midnight just so i could see people coming out the pubs and had one or two say happy new year, just to know that someone wished me a happy new year. Last year my daughter told me to get lost on new years eve in town, i cried so much and went to bed at 4pm only to not sleep through the whole evening. It will pass and a new day begins. Infact it is nearly new year, so i wish you and all the others that are lonely and alone tonight a Happier new year, I am about to watch the fireworks on BBC 1. Hugs xx

     

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    • Posted

      Thats very kind of you thanks Elizabeth.   I think the way your family treats you is disgraceful and I don't know why they are like that.  

      I have forgotten your full circumstances but can't you get yourself out to meet people and make friends?   Isn't there a social centre there for people over a certain age?   If you could concentrate on other areas of your life you wouldn't need to rely on your family so much.   How about voluntary work?   Or anything so you can meet people.    Bev xx

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