Conclusion

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Sitting here watching a film I have come to the conclusion that I want to die, not sure how or when. I hate what i have become a sad worthless useless human being that is no good to anyone anymore, I try to think of my son and grandchildren and how they will miss me but come to the conclusion that they would be better off without me. I.ve tried several distractions today I'm dog sitting been for several walks in the rain, cuddled him and talked to him, cried into his fur sounds stupid now but still the same conclusion keeps coming to mind. Do I talk to someone?I am waiting for a diagnosis from a Borderline personality assessment so they can come up with a treatment plan but this has bought up a lot of stuff i had tucked away in my memory.CPN wants to continue with the programme I'm suppose to be doing but no concentration on this. Everything hurts so much and struggling to cope. spent loads of money on buying a newish car but no excitement in that. Tried writing stuff down, Debating ringing the Samaritans? Just got to decide how and when. I was a useless worthless child, teenager my husband is dead he was the only person who loved and cared for me for who I was so i am no longer needed. All this has been playing on my mind for several days well even weeks I suppose. I've just can't get rid of these thoughts. I thought writing it on here might help some, don't know. Not going to do anything tonight maybe self harm abit to cope but got to plan things out to make things easier for my son....Sorry,,,,,,,

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    Call someone you love and trust and tell them you need help! Call hotline. Call ambulance. Drive yourself to hospital. DO something. Don't sit at the computer. Almost everyone goes through times when they see no hope, think of dying, but push on and they see it didn't kill them. You don't realize that your son will mourn every day of his life for you. He might even feel guilt of some sort his whole life. You think you're taking the easy way out, we all do at times, I know I do, but this day will pass, tomorrow will pass, until one day when you'll see the light waiting at the end. Shining through this dark time.  This will not happen this week, maybe not this month or not even this year. Be strong! Don't think about and go over and over your past. Put thoughts of the past in a box, put the box on a shelf. You'll go look in that box from time to time in your life, but not today. You'll see the box as a reminder of how strong you are, and that you made it through this dark time and will again. If you aren't already on medication for depression, you should be. Go to a professional and share these feelings, medication might be all you need to get your thoughts from this dark place. Time is your friend. With time, this will pass. Don't end those beautiful  things life has given you. Your son, you can see, flowers you can smell, heat when you're cold, springtime when all the bulbs come out of the ground and bloom. You are like that flower, you will bloom, just do something. Anything to get help. One more day won't change your situation. I will not make you feel guilty. ( think of the homeless, people who will never sleep in a bed at night, people that are hungry ) One of the best things you can do for yourself is to help other people. It will give you a feeling of accomplishment, compassion and you'll be proud of yourself. Get on to the phone and please call someone, tell them you need help. 
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    A good cry usually helps you get things into a better perspective I think. You are a vital human being an remember you are unique and invaluable to the world. No matter what the world throws at us we are meant to soldier on so you musn't give up, think of all the positive things in your life such as your family for one. (and your dog)! They would all have a poorer quality of life without you. God knows we all have times when we just want to give up because of all the abuse hurled at us and it's so easy to give in and feel worthless, especially if we dwell on the negative experiences of our past! You musn't take the cowards way out though as that's what it would be. Write down the good qualities you've got to make yourself feel reassured of your worth. Write down the enjoyment you get out of your grandchildren, and they with you. We're all a funny mixture of emotions and experiences, but that's what makes us all so unique from each other. Every time you feel down look at your list and also imagine all the grief you would be leaving behind. I'm not being insensitive but some people are glad to see the back of their husbands, but obviously you were one of the lucky ones who sounds like she was appreciated. I believe we all go through different phases in life and have a cross to bare, but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Phone the Samaritans if you really need to, or how is your relationship wth your daughter-in-law? Is it a good one whereby you can confide in her or is that an impossible thought? Just keep on fighting the battle of life and don't give in, as you say if only for your son's sake and your grandchildren. We all hurt inside too much sometimes, but be brave and get the help you need and please don't give in. Love Yvonne
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