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Sitting here watching a film I have come to the conclusion that I want to die, not sure how or when. I hate what i have become a sad worthless useless human being that is no good to anyone anymore, I try to think of my son and grandchildren and how they will miss me but come to the conclusion that they would be better off without me. I.ve tried several distractions today I'm dog sitting been for several walks in the rain, cuddled him and talked to him, cried into his fur sounds stupid now but still the same conclusion keeps coming to mind. Do I talk to someone?I am waiting for a diagnosis from a Borderline personality assessment so they can come up with a treatment plan but this has bought up a lot of stuff i had tucked away in my memory.CPN wants to continue with the programme I'm suppose to be doing but no concentration on this. Everything hurts so much and struggling to cope. spent loads of money on buying a newish car but no excitement in that. Tried writing stuff down, Debating ringing the Samaritans? Just got to decide how and when. I was a useless worthless child, teenager my husband is dead he was the only person who loved and cared for me for who I was so i am no longer needed. All this has been playing on my mind for several days well even weeks I suppose. I've just can't get rid of these thoughts. I thought writing it on here might help some, don't know. Not going to do anything tonight maybe self harm abit to cope but got to plan things out to make things easier for my son....Sorry,,,,,,,
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