Confession to make

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Hi my Friends. I am so cross with myself.After 16 days with no Alcohol and feeling really well and pleased with myself I succumbed yesterday to its powers.Rain and wind yesterday made my favourite hobbies impossible needed to get out of house though only sport on T V which the rest of family love.So my intention was to go for walk into Town buy a DVD some plants a coffee meet a friend or whatever.Alcohol at that point was NOT on the list.Passed several supermarkets was half way home then suddenly back tractked to nearest supermarket and bought a bottle of white wine rushed into nearest toilet and consumed half bottle absolute magic Buxx.walked home feeling very drunk hid half bottle of wine near tree covered it in leaves (very protective when it comes to wine) tried to act sober when I arrived home so nobody noticed-they were still engrossed in sport anyway-could have brought home a bag full of bottles and hidden them round the house places where they never look-too risky though.I feel rubbish today unbelievable after only half a bottle of wine maybe it's because I  hadn't been drinking for 16 days. Confession over i just needed to tell you all sorry if it was boring.Now a rubbish day to get trough.Will I go back to the tree and retrieve the wine ? I don't know I feel to ill at the moment to bother.Why did I go back to the supermarket and let IT win again.Love Susan X

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    I have done exactly the same after 12 weeks, I have drank 5 bottles of wine and 6 beers this last week, I'm so angry with myself but am going to take a positive out of it in that it has made me realize alcohol is not for me. I convinced myself I deserved a bottle of wine, but why do ?? I also thought "actually it hasn't helped my anxiety and panic attacks like I thought it would not drinking", when in fact today I realize today how it had made it all subside dramatically, so today I'm spending my time on eBay looking for a treadmill ( running was my passion before my life seemed to go wrong ), try and turn a negative into a positive, it may seem hard but there is always one there somewhere 😊
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    • Posted

      Skip the treamill, they are boring and won't hold any interest for long. Either go running, walking or cycling, you need to feel the fresh air and see the scenery to invigorate yourself, so that you actually enjoy it.

      Don't use the drinking as an excuse that you have failed and carry on drinking. It is a hiccup, go back to not drinking. As for the wine, either retrieve that bottle and drink it or pour it away. It will be calling you until you do one or the other, it will stay on your mind, you do not need that.

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    • Posted

      My earlier messgae.

      First paragraph was for Ann.

      Second was for Susan.

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    • Posted

      I gathered that 👍, and u r right nothing like fresh air on your face.
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  • Posted

    Part of the process for a lot of people (hiding places), impulsive behaviour, cover ups etc. etc. - same for me - You won't be able to hide it forever, you'll either get well or it'll all end in tears. One day, someone will find your stash. Maybe one day, you'll think you've hidden a full bottle but you'll find you've already drunk it.

    It's a damn mess; I wish you all the good fortune in the world with the problem but you'll have to find some practical measures. Sorry but you will have to.

    I hope you can get over your impulsive drinking patterns.

    All the best.

     

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  • Posted

    Oh, Susan, what a shame you were doing so well. But please don't beat yourself up over it, that will just make you feel worse. It's a blip, you can get over it. But be careful, every blip is harder to get over than the one before. I wish you well.
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  • Posted

    Because they call alcohol...baffiling...OMG...I know that feeling of having NO THOUGHTS of drinking and ending in the store with some alcohol in my hands on the way out...usually that is when I get most "messed" up.  Good for you that you didn't drink the whole bottle...I think that is impressive.

    ​Once alcohol is in me...I don't care who knows...I would have brought it home and told anyone that mentioned it to me..to shut up....I know I would have. 

    ​Will you go back today?  I don't know....I hope you don't...but if you do....just realize it is out to get you...again.

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  • Posted

    Hello Susan,

    It is so hard when we let ourselves down.  Try to forgive yourself.  Human condition.  I was surprised that you could stop halfway through the bottle !  That shows some control was still there.  Take heart from that.  

    I wish you well in your renewed battle.

    You can WIN.

    Alonangel 🎇

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  • Posted

    Here's a post I put up elsewhere, it goes over the technical reasons this sort of thing happens and how the drinking habit gets built in the first place:

    There's a part of the brain (the Striatum) that remembers alch=pleasure. It's actually divided into two parts. One that feels euphoria from the dopamine release (which is caused by the endorphins), that part is called the Nucleus Accumbens, it's involved in remembering pleasurable activities. The other part is called the Dorsal Striatum. It also uses dopamine, but it doesn't feel anything from the dopamine release, it just compels you to act. So you have one part of the Striatum that remembers pleasureable things and the other part that remembers the pattern of how to get you to obtain that thing. The Striatum itself is an unconscious part of the brain and has no use whatsoever for logic or reason. It just builds the pathways to pleasure. Every time you engage in a pleasurable activity, that pathway gets wider and stronger. The Dorsal Striatum will give you a little bit of dopamine for each step along the way (leave work and think about alch, stop at the store and get some, take it home, get the glass, open the bottle and pour, sit in your favorite chair, etc., etc.). Well, once that pathway is there, it's there forever (which is why, for instance, you never forget how to ride a bike). But you can make it weaker and weaker, while building new patterns that become stronger and stronger. So while the Nal is working on weakening the link between alcohol and pleasure, you can work on disrupting the pattern via mindfulness and work on building healthy patterns to "dilute" the unhealthy ones.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for that brain reminder ADE . I think we should all be reminding ourselves of this regularaly ! 
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    • Posted

      You're welcome, Rainbow! I found that info in The Upward Spiral, a book about dealing with depression and anxiety by making small changes in the right place. It's generally anxiety that starts the whole thing, so if you can catch it at the outset, you've got the upper hand on a number of ills. It's easier when you know the general workings of the brain, it really helps turn things around without a lot of struggle.
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  • Posted

    It's just a blip it happens to most people, she. trying to stop, alcohol do not bit yourself up dear,
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    • Posted

      Hi Richardt. It's nice you put little supportive comments on here. People appreciate this. Just wondered where you are in your alcohol journey? Are you sober, struggling or on one the meds we discuss on here? 

      Hope you and all surviving this Easter x

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  • Posted

    Hi Susan 

    I've been reading ADE's post about the brain and it's pathways. It's so true about how we can easily become conditioned to certain behaviours. I would look at the bottle by the tree simply as a wrong turning for a brief moment. We all get lost on our journey in life dont we ? and in so many ways so don't beat yourself up. Changing pathways can be so tough but you've prooved how you did it for 16 days and thats a real acheivement > I think we have to look at the mind as being very powerful ! It can set us back but equally We CAN make the changes happen  too by reprogramming our brain. Also, the more healthy our brain is , the more we can use it for much better creative things in life !!! I have that same half bottle in my kitchen, tucked safely around the corner . The same thoughts go through my mind too. I wonder if you went back ? Whether you did or didnt , it doesnt matter. Today matters and moving forward is the key. I'm going to start meditating everyday now and getting more fresh air and exercise. Let us know how you are doing Susan and take care

    You know, also " The bottle by the tree " would make an excellent title for a book about giving up lol !! Just a thought xx   

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