Connection

Thought I'd share some thoughts.

Someone sent me a link to a talk given by a senior social work researcher in the US.  Having listened to it, some of which I have to admit was rather typical of the American style and a tad evangelical at times, there was a very good underlying message which lit a lightbulb in my head.  

It's okay to be vulnerable.

In her research, over a period of many years, she determined and discovered that those who felt most connected in life were those who were happy in their own skin and mostly this was because they could accept who they were and saw vulnerability as a positive not a negative.

Lets look at the negative things we feel about us being vulnerable and why we feel unable or unwilling to show it:

Shame, pride, defensiveness, guilt, embarrassment, frustration, self hate, weakness.

By not being open about our vulnerability, we engender negative feelings in others around us too, they often want to help but don't know how and end up feeling: confusion, unappreciated, frustration, feeling unwanted, disconnection

If we embrace our vulnerability as one of our good points, we can feel courage, endurance, gratitude, appreciation, enablement, humility - all positive emotions.

This openness brings with it 'connection'.  Others will be able to feel and demonstrate openly the following: sympathy, concern, feeling needed, satisfaction, connection, togetherness, happiness

For those of us who have lived our lives being a 'coper' and strong for others, always being there and doing and who now are unable to be all things to all people, we feel the first set of negative emotions, ie weak, useless, needy, a burden and so on.  When in fact we most definitely shouldnt.  The majority of people gain great pleasure from feeling needed, from helping others, by being appreciated and to some extent being the 'strong one' - it gives them worth and makes them feel (here's that word again) CONNECTED.  Our loved ones and friends often feel disconnected from us because they dont - and cannot - understand our pain and our needs.  If we are open with our vulnerability, they will understand better and they will be overjoyed to at last not feel helpless in helping us.  They too will feel connected.

To be honest, whilst this is a real eye opener for me, it will be incredibly hard for me to change the habits of a lifetime but change I must.  Fibro has not given me a choice, my life has already changed and will continue to do so.  I must embrace that change and make positive steps to connect with others so that I can be helped and they can feel happy at being able to help, with understanding.

Hope all this makes sense.  Sorry if I sound like some baptist preacher here but it really did strike me like a hammer where I'm going wrong and why I'm not 'connecting' 

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