Constant fear of going crazy

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I've struggled with various forms of anxiety my entire life. I've summed it to to mostly Panic Disorder, as most of my anxiety has been health related or paranoia of having a heart attack. I'm 27 year old female, one semester a way from my Masters... in mental health and now I feel more anxiety and fear than I ever have in my entire life. No matter how many articles I read with logic, I still feel panic. I feel broken.

For the past week I have been waking up every single morning with this uncontrollable anxiety that comes and goes throughout the day. It's like an unconscious process that I have to analyze myself first thing to see if I'm "crazier" or still crazy. My current fear surrounds developing a severe mental illness like schizophrenia. The only trigger I can think of is the friday before it all started I encountered a client with schizophrenia, which didn't bother me at the time, but the following day I started having intrusive thoughts. In addition I have this underlying fear of not being good as a therapist if I can't even fix myself and no it's as if all my clients trigger my anxiety and I internalize it.

It's like I can't stop. I feel trapped inside my own head. I'm Constantly analyzing whether I'm me and if the world is real. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I feel distant from my husband who always makes me so happy. I fear that I'm broken and stuck this way. I can be at work, home, watching my favorite show or being with my husband and the fear of going crazy never leaves. I've had no relief. The fact that I've had no relief reinforces the idea that I'm trapped this way and that I really am going crazier as my panic continues to worsen and lengthen. It's gotten to the point where the logic online isn't hitting me and bringing me out like it use to. It's like I'm already too far gone. I'm not this person, this isn't me. I'm strong and brave and the past week has felt like 100 years of personal hell that I'll never be free of. Even though I know my awareness of my thoughts and fears means I'm not crazy I immediately have a thought that I shouldn't believe myself.

Why have I been feeling such intense fear non-stop all week? Am I going crazy? Is it possible that I'm really just internalizing the clients I work with and over analyzing it so much that I imagine I have those symptoms.

Please give advice. I can't handle this. I have no drive cause I feel so trapped, like nothing can save me

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi

    Maybe just a very horrible learning curve.

    Iam 45 always been a thinker, had and still have same experience as you.

    I learnt to start trusting my feeling side.

    No more overthinking things if its not needed.

    Just trust how i feel.

    Hope it helps

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your feedback. This is my first shot at doing my dream job and have done great with clients, even managed a panic attack and got through the session but the after math I'm left with is killing me. I'm anxious about being able to help anyone when I'm so messed up in my own head.

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  • Posted

    I can definitely relate to your situation. I am a community carer. I suffer from GAD and health anxiety. I look after people at end if life. Every time they tell me if there symptoms I think OMG I have that. I hate myself for thinking but it can't be helped. I actually went into the job to help face my fears. I still still have bad days I've been suffering for over 20 years.

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    • Posted

      I definitely could not work with your population! How amazing the work that you do. I use to think I can handle working with people like me but this past week I've just thought I was losing my mind, questioning realty and being paranoid I have all these horrible disorders. I don't trust my own thoughts anymore.

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