Constant Feeling of Guilt Because of a Sexual Fantasy

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi all, 

I have been experiencing a problem which has been giving me extreme anxiety lately and I wanted to run it by other individuals to get their thoughts. 

I am currently in a relationship with a girl who I love. I would NEVER in a million years cheat on her. 

Recently, I was at our house (we live together) by myself all day and I was feeling a bit 'on edge'. I decided to masturbate to get this edge off. While doing this, I decided to mentally take myself to a place I don't usually go. While watching a pornography video, I visualized myself performing these acts with another woman. Specifically, this other woman was someone I used to have a sexual relationship with, but do not (and will not) come in contact with at this point in my life. 

Ever since this happened, I have felt a great amount of guilt and anxiety over this. I have started to convince myself that I cheated on my current girlfriend by watching this porn video and visualizing this fantasy with another woman, specifically another woman who I previously have sexual experience with. I want to emphasize that I have NO interest whatsoever in this past sexual partner. I would never act on this fantasy which I had, and just used it as an 'in the moment' experience to let my mind wander somewhere different. 

At the time of doing this, I didn't think this was going to effect me the way that it has, since everything which I am feeling anxiety about is all in my mind. One side of me says that I am manufacturing this issue out of nothing, since everything I'm creating was strictly a mental fantasy. The other side of me says that my mental fantasy was extremely inappropriate, and I shouldn't have had this fantasy while in a relationship with my girlfriend. Obviously, anybody in a relationship would not want their significant other having fantasies about other people. 

This is all I can think about right now, and it's causing me a great deal of guilt/anxiety. I wanted to get other people's thoughts regarding if my guilt is justified, if this is something which needs to be talked about, etc. 

Thanks for reading.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    As long as the fantasy is not acted upon and you don't share the fantasy verbally or otherwise with anyone else, your little secret is harmless. Fantasy is like role play when the show is over it's over.
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  • Posted

    Hi, Seeking advice55. If we all were honest and admitted to the amount of times we, the male race, felt guilty about fantasys we had,.we would be going about eating our own hearts out. It is very normal to have these fantasys but if it is so bad that you are making yourself ill because of it, think about the past and work out if you have cheated on a partner or have been cheated on by a partner, then this might be the answer. If this is not the case then I would tell your partner that this happened and that you were sorry but it just happened. If your relationship is as good as it should be she will understand and to your utter surprise will probably admit the same thing. We all do it but as long as it is just in your mind and not a longing for it to be real you have nothing to worry about.
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    • Posted

      David,

      Thank you. Honestly, the reason I think I'm having such a hard time with this is because I had some issues myself when I was younger (age 21-22) with cheating. I made some huge mistakes with past girlfriends, primarily due to the fact that I was just way too immature to handle a serious relationship. 

      After these past relationships ended, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my past behaviour now that I am older/wiser/more mature. I always vowed to myself that I would never cheat on a significant other again. My actions in past relationships are still haunting me because I have, in a way, internally labeled myself as a 'cheater'. Even though this was just a harmless fantasy, I can't help but feel like I did something terribly wrong.

      The rational side me me tells me that I really did nothing wrong since everything I'm stressing about was 100% in my own mind, and that what I'm experiencing is very common among relationships. The irrational side of me is telling me that I did something wrong.

      I guess I was just looking for guidance on whether or not what I did was really something wrong or whether it was truly just a harmless fantasy. Again, I would 100% never act on these fantasies. Based on the responses above, it seems that you both think these are harmless fantasies.

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  • Posted

    GUILT  can effect you true but your fantacy is played out by men a women all the  time , you girlfriend has prob masterbated  to about a fantacy no big deal , it keeps the relationship hot ,   I had guilt  i fathered two childred with women  and did not love them i cheated on everyone i went with even my wife .  NOW thats a cause for guilt you have done nothing so dont tell your girlfriend it silly. MOST  fantasize other partners while having sex i still do and i am 67 it would be pretty boring other wise
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  • Posted

    I agree with renee. I think we have done similar. If I was your girlfriend, I would not want to know though. There is nothing to feel guilty about if it absolutely will not go any further that fantasy, but why put her in a position to distrust you? My ex told me he fantasized about having sex with my best friend. That has bothered me for years. I wish he had never told me.
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  • Posted

    hi, Bonnie. You are probobly right. As long as he does not let the guilt creep up then he is fine. This feels like so many new friends  in the forums. I am so happy i joined. All the best. David
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  • Posted

    Thanks for everyone's responses.

    Do you think my fantasy during masturbation is something most men in relationships experience? I have a tendency to make myself feel guilty for everything, so I'm just trying to get a sense on whether this is very common among men and whether or not I should feel bad about this fantasy.

    There is a 0% chance I would ever act on this fantasy. I would never cheat on my gf. I would think that most rationale men would not feel guilt about this if they knew that it was strictly a fantasy. For some reason, I just always put myself on a guilt trip.

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