Coping with grief divorce

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I left my abusive husband 5 years ago

I lived with my mum for 7 weeks then she had a very bad accident brain injury horrific she was in hospital for 4 months, in the mean time my two sons are living with me in her 2 bedroomed flat as I was going hospital every day husband cut off all monies as he is controlling, mum came home and I nursed her for 12 months, she was a miracle done very well considering but still had a brain injury which is hard to cope with, met a few men fell in love but didn't work out as my time was with my mum so much, joined gym to help the endorphins met a nice man who I wouldn't normally go for but he was a gentleman, got own place moved out with my both sons as it was cramped and got careers for mum and myself and sister done the rest.mum got cancer total shock and was so quick, she died within 8 weeks of us knowing.. I'm struggling like hell now feel so down hate my life some days could just end it all, my memory is awful and I feel I'm forgetting words, been to a councillor for 8 weeks she says it's a process on anti depressants now for a long time having a bad day today lost my faithful dog 6 weeks ago, had problems with my both boys feel everything is in my shoulders just feel so tired and very very low..

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  • Posted

    Oh Joanne, I am sooo sad for you!  You have a phd (piled higher and deeper) in greif!  Have you had a blood draw to see if your adrenals, iron, and anything else might be low?

    You need someone to help take care of you! are your boys old enough to help you out? 

    My mom went through hell when I was little, similar to your story. she never told any of us because she didn't want us to worry I suppose. My dad left her after having 5 kids, the first two died, and he left while she was pregant with me.  

    As a young child, I would have liked to feel important and helpful. do you think your sons would feel the same? Or are they too young? if they are old enough, over 5, open up to them, tell them your worries at age apprope of course.  They need to greive also, they need to shed tears too. 

    After my husband and two friends died (susicde and cancer, in less then 2 years, I was going to therapy too, thinking the greif was all my issues, but i got really sick. the doc told me the stress of all my loss brought triggered the CD (Celiac) that I didn't know I had, to flare, rendering me weak, tied, foggy brained, and later, major weight loss and bowel issues.  

    i would ask your doc to run some blood work, and ask them to tests your ANA. if it is positive, ask them to run tests until they find out what it is.  The things they always test for are RA rheumatoid athritic and lupus, but make sure they do CD a well, it is much more comon then the first two.  I had a positive ANA but they said they didn't know what it was. 6 yrs later, I am now very ill and almost ready for Hospice. If you have not yet, go get the blood draw. It could be complicated greif, but it could be physical as well, it is better to rule it out first.

    i hope you can get the help you need.

    Hang in there!

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  • Posted


    You have been through the wall and sad to say, we need to move on even when we loose those around us Your Mother and you were lucky you had been given that extra time together and She was lucky the end was quick and rapide.

    I suffer from a conjenital Short term memory condition on top of a Chronic Pain Condition that effects most of my body, so I have a Reactive Depression that can be very raw. I went through five weeks of scans and tests to make sure I did not have Demntia, I was given the all clear, although now I use a technique where I can use parts of my mid term memory for short term memories like conversations and television. I have had a lot of Specialist and I start a course of CBT on Tuesday so I can understand how unsettling memory problems cause. Although I am now moving on and now look forward to my sixty,six year Christmas.

    When younger, in my teens I was brutalised and also had the job of looking after dying relatives, many with Dementia. 

    I now live in a different area in a full adapted bungalow and I am noving onwards and upwards. I found that we all take life choices and there comes a time where we need to move away from negative memories and activities. It is no go living over the past again and again we need to be able to attack life choices so we can enjoy our lives, in my case my last decades.

    Yes we can comfort you and try and support you and here you will get written support. I found it takes about two years or more to get over a close relatives death, in some cases , in my case several deaths I saw were a real blessing. In fact in my life I look at the problem if I have given help and attention to the relative I have very little feeling of loss and concience if I have looked after that person in the final years/months well, it is a good death

    You have had a rough time and are still feeling the negativity of loss, consider now and try to live your own life as much as possible


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  • Posted

    Hi Joanne, I am so sorry you are having such a horrible time. I can relate on many levels.  My dad died this year and it has brought on a brutal depression for me. I also was caretaking for him. like you. And am currently have some health issues with one of my beloved cats.

    I have/am struggled with lack of having any purpose and fearing that even more horrors are to come.

    Your counsler is right, it is a process, a long and miserable one.  It is good that you go to the gym too, I find exercise helps a lot.

    I am still struggling a lot. BUt i try each day, that is all you can do


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