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I don't really know where to start, but I guess I should start from my childhood. I have always been the elephant in the room who nearly never speaks and avoids other people. I've noticed I feel better and in fact, that's the only time when I talk and it's in very small groups of up to 2 people who I feel are not judgemental but I talk most with just one other person who I feel safer with, but still with restriction and no one really knows my actual self, I would say. Tbh, even I don't. I don't know who I am and if I am just a sh*tty person who pretends in front of that one person to be more easy-going or..I don't know. But yeah, in the kindergarden I was always just staying on my chair, speachless, nearly frozen on my place while everyone would talk to each other and laugh and probably even get scolded from the teachers. And so I was praised, I was Lilly, the best and the most quiet girl from the whole group. I felt kinda different, but not too bad. I mean, I want to make it clear that I didn't not speak because of some severe anxiety, some may suggest that is was selective mutism, but I don't think so...Or is it? I would mainly connect it with the fact that I've no idea what to talk about and say. I've also noticed that since a child I mishear some words, for example, English is not my native language, but I've been studying it for like 9 years now and I constantly mishear the words from the films or songs. I actually relised it might not be normal, when my sister would hear nearly every word. When I was a child (and also now, lol, i'm 16 though it's getting better) never could understand movies (or remember later) and I constantly asked my sister "Why are they doing that?" or "Why is he killing the dog?" and my sister was always getting annoyed, hah. It's kind of sad, I can't also remember books. I think it might be poor working memory plus being uninterested, which I am also sad about.When I hear that someone did something or was curious as a child which really makes me sad for a while and makes me feel so empty and like nothing and then I want to kill myself because it's sometimes like nothing would ever change and it's like my whole past is empty and there's nothing to be done. That's why I tried to be more curious, but I stopped for some reason. I guess I have to start again, it's a habbit worth forming.
I've noticed other kids seem to adapt more quickly, or it may be just lack of practice for me? Truth be told, since a kid my sister was always with me, helping me. I didn't know what to write for a topic for my homework essay? No problem, Kate would help us. And that is why people thought I was smart, I guess.
I have no friends currently, I live in Germany with my mom and dad for 8 months now and am currently learning the language, but because I avoid people and don't have topics to talk about I can't practise tha language that much. I know, however, that there are things that can be done, this can somehow change, right?
I have problems with saying "Thank you" or "Please" that's another thing, I am almost never sure, and either don't say it which I feel might be rude, or say it kind of quietly.
In the classroom, I have problem with figuring out when I have to speak, unless I have a structure.
I have recently figured out that to-do lists work great for me and help me with my daily tasks, which I usually avoid and then my life sucks. Lol.
So that's most of it, I think. I've probably missed some things, of course, I always do. But yeah, it might not be Asperger because I don't have any special interests, which seems to be a main sympthom. I mean, since a kid I haven't been interested in anything much, I would say it might be from the fact that I barely remembered, barely understood. But still. I feel like having no motivation or very little motivation has been a HUUGE problem in my life. I hate the fact that I never really did anything in my life. Some people say I have a talent for art, but I don't enjoy it that much and in fact, if it hadn't been for my mother, I would have never really learned to draw good, she sent me with my sister to art courses. So art is not a thing I enjoy, I don't enjoy sports, I can't recall plots of films or books, I suck at studying or maths...I basically can't do or enjoy anything. So, what is this people? Anytime, anytime I would want to start anything in my chilhood...3 days. 3 days had always been my maximum for anything. I guess that's because I do things on willpower and then just forget the real benefit, but don't care anymore..Recently now, it has become sliightly better. I kind of still hate doing everything, doing the laundry is awful and I avoid my chores like cleaning my room, cooking or doing the dishes. I am not depressed, ok. Some people might suggest it. I don't feel sad most of the time and I still enjoy some mindless things like watching the movies. So yeah, it you had the patience to read ALL that, then you get a "Wow" from me dude. I would like to hear your opinion and if I need to go to a psychologist because since a year or so I have been thinking about it. Thank you in advance!
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