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Could my mother be the cause of my anxiety?

Posted , 5 users are following.

rex987
rex987

My mother lives alone, my father died 7 yrs ago and my brother died 3 yrs ago. She was devastated, naturally, when my brother died. She was horrible to my father. So She has become dependent on me to take her everywhere, shopping, appointments etc. Nothing I do is ever enough, she constantly criticises me, is very argumentative and plays my sister in law against me, like she used to do with my brother. I hate visiting her or phoning her because she is always complaining about her home and what she needs replacing, hinting for me to pay for it. If it's not new windows it's a bed, bathroom, sofa and more. She never worked, only part time for a short period. I worked all my life. I've noticed that after seeing her my anxiety is worsened, my light headedness returns and I am jittery. She tells me there's always something wrong with me. I do stand up to her but then she gives me the cold shoulder. I don't know what to do. I'm fed up with trying to please her. She is selfish and thinks more of her sisters than she does of me. Anyone experienced anything similar? Please let me know if you have. Thankyou

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  • thomas24929
    thomas24929 rex987

    Posted

    Hello Juliannah. Your mother does seem to be giving you the run around. I would say she is causing you some anxiety. I can't say what you should or shouldn't do. I hope you don't mind me saying so but it does seem as though you need to take a firmer hand. Perhaps learn to say no more often. I feel that it's important to take care of yourself. I would say that your own health and well being comes before your mothers needs. Of course I'm saying this without realising your circumstanses ie weather your married with children and putting your husbands and your childrens needs first and weather your mother is capable of caring for herself. If she is, I feel you should back of a little and let her care for herself more. It is difficult to say no but if you can, I feel you should. 

    Tom.

    • rex987
      rex987 thomas24929

      Posted

      Thanks Tom, yes you are right, I should be firmer with her but she is such a difficult person. She would phone me to ask me to phone the chemist for her prescription. I stopped doing this because it was ridiculous. She is quite active and capable of doing more for herself than she lets on. I asked her to stay for Christmas but she only came for the day, she wanted to sleep in her own bed. Then tonight she told me that when her sister asked her if she had a nice Christmas she told her not really, it was ok but I had to go back to an empty house. I couldn't believe that she told her that after I had asked her to stay for as long as she liked. Sorry for going on but I am beginning to wonder if this is affecting my anxiety. A couple of weeks ago I didn't see her for a week because she said she had a cold and didn't need anything, I felt much better then. It must be bothering me though otherwise I would not have posted this. Thanks for your advice and for being a sounding board.
    • thomas24929
      thomas24929 rex987

      Posted

      Your welcome. I rather feel she is manipulating and controlling you. Look after yourself Juliannah. Take care. Tom. 
    • rex987
      rex987 thomas24929

      Posted

      Thanks Tom, Best wishes to you, kind regards, Julia
  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 rex987

    Posted

    Your resentment and anger at your Mother could absolutely be behind your anxiety. You need to forgive her and love her with all your heart. 
    • rex987
      rex987 lisalisa67

      Posted

      Thanks Lisa, I do care about her but it's difficult when whatever I do for her is never enough and I am constantly reminded about her marvellous sisters children. Kind regards.
    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 rex987

      Posted

      She sounds depressed herself and most likely bitter about how her life has played out. What you do for her is wonderful and im sure she deeply appreciates it. It is probably draining and difficult for you in dealing with her but most important to forgive her ways. The resentment needs to be released so you dont absorb the toxicity and get issues yourself. Try and look at it differently, look at her differently. When you see her, truly see her it will make more sense and you will not personalize her negativety. She needs you and probably is manipilutaing you, but not for the reasons you think but out of her own unresolved issues and saddness and bitterness.its sad. a low maintance pet could be of help for her, maybe a cat if shes interested. Something for her to care for and that loves her back unconditionally.p and they are low maintance in general.
    • rex987
      rex987 lisalisa67

      Posted

      Hi again Lisa,

      I know she will never get over the loss of her son, I can understand her hurt, yet whenever we meet or talk on the phone she somehow manages to get my back up. My anxiety is worse after we meet up, for sure. I take her on holidays, trips and fetch her to visit often but I feel that nothing I do is appreciated. She always moans about something, the hotel or food and I always end up with a migraine. I must stop going on now, thanks for listening. Take care.

  • omar38
    omar38 rex987

    Posted

    Good evening. In my humble opinion yes your mom could actually cause you anxiety. We are made of energy. Every negative comment or energy directed at you will become a negative force in and around your life. You can create anxiety by simply keeping a negative energy or though in your mind. Negativity brings anxiety or can cause it. Use affirmations to drive that negativity away. And if possible not to surround yourself with negative energy or people with negative energy you will realize how relaxing that would be for your heart, mind.
    • rex987
      rex987 omar38

      Posted

      Hi Omar, thankyou for responding, something to think about. Kind regards Julia
    • jessie51
      jessie51 rex987

      Posted

      Hello Juliannah,

      it is an awful situation for you to be in,  there are a lot of people who do not have good relationships with their mothers so you are not alone.  You don't mention what age your Mother is,  what physical if any problems she has.   For your own health and mental welbeing I would suggest you step back, if she does have health problems have you thought about asking social services for help with, ie a home help, or there is the  'Befreinding' service that comes from Age Concern or Mind, both of these are help from volunteers who go to visit, can take a person out for walks,  a coffee or take them shopping.  

      If you could get help then maybe your contact with your mother could be reduced to a once a week visit with a phone call in between.    Age Concern also in some area's have a service where people are collected from their homes and taken to a Home or Centre for lunch,  often called a 'Lunch Club',  it is a day out with company of their own age and it does seem to be very helpful to a lot of older people,  gets them out etc.

      There is help out there,  and this will also help you and take the pressure off you.   It is difficult I know,  you feel as though you have to do all that is asked of you even though it makes you quite ill and brings you down,  you should not be made to feel this way,  have you tried a chat with your sister-in-law at all about how things are,  would she help with your mum?   Another possibility, depending on her age and health is a long term home,  can you chat with your family Dr about this?   There are a lot of negative things said about family going into a home but it is forgotten that often when an older person goes into a home and are with people their own age they are happy having the companionship it gives them - it is not all bad..........

      I do hope you can get some help to resolve this situation,  please don't feel badly or that you are letting your mother down by asking for outside help,  you really do have to look after your own health and happiness,  one day your Mothers needs may be more demanding -  for example if she had a fall,  if your health were bad you would not be able to help her at all.     Be kind but firm with your Mother,   she will feel more secure in the long run knowing that you have strength to cope with things.

      I do wish you all the best and hope you will have a look at what help is out there.

      Warmest regards

      Jessie x

  • lee12629
    lee12629 rex987

    Posted

    My mother passed away,Id give anything to have her back. Hopefully you can find some way to get along. Once your parent is gone they are gone forever which can lead to regret of words said or not said. And your mom did work she was and is a mom. Hope you can work things out.
  • tracey90201
    tracey90201 rex987

    Posted

    Hi Juliannah, family dynamics are a huge factor in my anxiety.

    I would encourage you to read about codependency, it may help you understand your mom's behavior and give you some ideas about setting boundaries. I'd reference a book that helped me greatly, but, I think my post would be tagged by moderators.

  • lee12629
    lee12629 rex987

    Posted

    I dont know how old your mom is,could there be some dementia starting?
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