Could my wife be perimenopausal?
Posted , 10 users are following.
My wife who is in her late thirties has had issues with post-natal depression and had been on anti-depressants for over five years although they didn't seem to help other than make her feel like an emotional "zombie".
She came off the drugs and about a year ago said she was not happy with our relationship and wanted to separate. This seemed to come out of nowhere as I thought we were happy but just struggling with busy lives with children.
We went to couples counselling for a bit but she found it too stressful so have stopped. We haven't separated as she said she I am a good person but she just doesn't love me and there is no emotional connection. She says it's only feelings and she doesn't know how long it will take to love me again but she wants "space".
I have changed any behaviours she has told me she wasn't happy about (we had a "traditional" relationship which we have now rebalanced to be more equal. Plus I think I had been depressed and not very supportive of her as I was dealing with my own problems of work etc). We are now going out together more and spending more time together although she wants no intimacy and doesn't seem to desire me in any way.
I've told her I understand she needs space to work on herself (she saw a CBT therapist about her anxiety) before she works on our relationship but it's hard going being in a relationship that feels very one way where I am giving affection (when possible) and showing concern and love but getting very little back. I wish she would talk to me more about how she is feeling and actually talking about our relationship but she doesn't seem ready. I stopped asking her how she felt about mw when she kept repeating how she didn't love me still. I do have resentment building that she has shut me out and won't talk but maybe it is just too tough if she is struggling to take on my emotions (initially I was devastated and upset about the question of separation but I'm now much more level headed).
From the start I've suspected a "chemical" reason for her behaviour as she had stopped being the caring loving person she used to be. It may be all down to our relationship and it needing time to heal but I worry there is something else going on. She suffers from PCOS and I have mentioned that perhaps hormone levels are causing some of her feelings but she says she has been tested and there are no problems.
I wonder if anyone has been through this similar situation (and come out the other end). At the moment I'm sticking by her because I love her so much (although it is awkward to tell her in this situation) but I don't know if I can go on like this without an end in sight.
Maybe I just need to keep going but it would be nice to hear if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
1 like, 11 replies
loretta63638 Guest
Posted
Hormones do affect us in so many ways, as outside relationships, friends and family. It could be a combination of both. Have you read anything on PMDD? Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, I believe is the medical term.
Best of Luck to you both.
jacqueline59683 Guest
Posted
Wow that is a beautiful comment. I can't tell you if she is in peri but hormones fluctuate daily, so tests are usually not helpful-according to my gyno. As to love, feelings, I've been married 33 years and love goes out the window early on...you choose to love, daily, some days you don't, and that's okay. But having a commitment to the marriage can pull you through the unlove moments. For me my faith in God, prayer to Him to help us, got me through tough moments in my marriage. Plenty of times I told my husband I didn't love him, I wanted out. Thankfully God helped us and we stayed together.
Your action of sticking it out is seldom seen nowadays and beautiful.
I hope your wife gets help, hormones are horrible, just this morning I had a meltdown it was reassuring to see my husband stick by my side. Our kids have grown and left and I'm going crazy with Peri, but it's awesome to know I have a friend who sees me at my worst and doesn't run.
I will pray for both of you.
lynda20916 Guest
Posted
Perhaps you could keep seeing a therapist on your own. It seems to me that if you are going to work on this as a couple that your wife would be more forthcoming with her medical results and information. Feelings aren't the only manifestation of what's occurring. Actions are important, too.
From my experience, and I am not a therapist, it seems that your wife may be suffering from chronic depression and/or other mental conditions. In the US, she'd be seeing a psychiatrist who would prescribe different meds until one (or more) was found that worked.
One of my children was married to a person with chronic depression. Life with that person was miserable, because their entire marriage revolved around what would make him feel better and happy. He self-medicated with alcohol, went off his meds because they made him feel weird, wouldn't, couldn't take responsibility for his own health and made my daughter feel responsible for his emotions or lack of them.
He also lied constantly; both deliberate lies and withheld information. She found liquor hidden all over the house, realized he'd gone off prescribed meds, though he claimed he was still taking them, stopped his therapy because it "wasn't working" and on, and on. At one point, he decided that having a big family would be the thing that would finally make him happy. Fortunately, my daughter refused. .
In order to get "well" the patient has to accept that they are responsible for their own well-being. They also need to accept responsibility for what their actions are doing to their loved ones. Because you have children, this is particularly critical, and heart-breaking.
In the end, they divorced. He is still in denial about his illness and continues his previous patterns of behavior. But my daughter is doing much better.
I hope that things work out for you and your wife. xx
Sassyr12a Guest
Posted
Hello hopeful spouse
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I nearly didn't respond because a) it's hard to know what to say and b) even with hormonal issues your wife may well need some space and not want to stay together. It sounds like with the pcos and other issues that she may be suffering with hormones, but you can only be supportive and of course if she says everything is okay.... You're probably not going to get points for pursuing that as a reason (I know I wouldn't respond well to my hubby saying it was my hormones). The only thing you can do, is what you're doing. Be supportive, be ready to listen but also think about what you need too and how you can get support through counselling, meditation, anything that keeps the stress low. I should think that one way or another it will resolve but unfortunately I've no idea which way. From my perspective through hormones I've suffered with anxiety, depression, hopelessness, fatigue, trouble sleeping etc but equally with busy lives and kids it could just as easily be down to the pressure of life. Keep your chin up and I hope everything works out for you both x
Guest Sassyr12a
Posted
Thanks for this - it is important - what you are saying is that hormones won't necessarily change the way you feel about someone...so for me to suggest her feelings about me being down to hormone levels is naive and counterproductive. I will continue being supportive and giving all I can without expecting anything in return.
Only time will tell I guess if that is enough.
Sassyr12a Guest
Posted
Hello,
It's not naive or counter productive. It may well be true and I completely understand that it will be much easier for that to be the reason, something that could be understood. I hope things work out for you. Hang in there
Donna23316 Guest
Posted
Hello, you post exudes so much love and concern for your wife. I must be so hard for you hearing her tell you that she feel different about you and your marriage. It's like a bolt out of the blue because as you say, you thought things were ticking along fine. It's not a as though you were arguing a lot before she decided she didn't love you anymore. You didn't see it coming . It's like someone pulling the rug from under your feet! It's devasting and you find yourself scrambling around searching for answers. I'm not sure what exactly has caused your wife to feel this way. And what makes it even harder is your wife isn't really talking. I think now, you need to stop trying! Let time go by and only time will tell what will happen in the future. Don't get me wrong when I say stop trying. I just mean stop trying to work out why your wife has changed her feelings towards you because you are not getting anywhere right now. One day she may talk. Hopefully. No, of course you can't just switch off your feelings. You can love and care for your wife. But reading your post I was thinking to myself-what about you? Who is looking out for and looking after you? On an emotional level, I mean. Make sure you look after yourself. This situation is really stressful for you. See your doctor. Get counselling. Basically do everything you can to get the emotional support you need. Become stronger and then make your next move. Good luck. Donna xxx
Guest Donna23316
Posted
Hi Donna,
Thanks for the kind words. I spent ours searching to understand why she would say those things, it makes it easier to empathise and get through it if there are reasons. As you say things were going along ok..although in hindsight they could have been better.. and she didn't have a long list of issues with me that would help me empathise if I was a nasty person, etc. I've thought maybe it was ADs, PCOS, some other things from her childhood, midlife crisis (although what is that anyway? Just a time to reflect and correct problems), permenopause, etc. But you are right I just have to accept I'm not going to have a "reason" handed to me on a plate so just have to accept that's how things are and stay positive. In fact I stopped looking for reasons 6 months ago but now a year has gone by I started looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. I have some good support so provided I stay positive I will be fine. It hurts a lot and that does build resentment (hence if I had a reason it would create less resentment) but I'm hoping it will all get washed away if the mutual love floods back. Fingers crossed.
mauiblue Guest
Posted
Hi there
I just want to praise you for going so far as to come on this sight and reach out to other women, so insightful, and your efforts to remedy your marriage are valient and noble.
This time in a womans life is super duper hard. (not for all of us but for a good majority)
Many marriages fail right during this time. Marriage evolves over time and the love thing is changing also. Two people should be able to realize it that it had a lot to do with it. There were other factors of course, and sex was one of them. he decided to online date, and wanted us to remain under the same roof for the sake of the kids but i couldn't do it for my own pride and self worth, so we left.
I understand both sides. You have kids together, how old are they?
Do you want your marriage to work bad enough to wait for her to maybe get better in the future? Or do you see yourself moving on and starting a new life?
This subject is sooo overwhelmingly sensitive. Noone can tell you only suggest, and offer support. Can she live on her own and support herself, and will you support her if she does?
It cant be forced, any marriage to give affection if you dont feel it. You can fake it i suppose, but that makes the disharmony worse..
we are around, and good for you in posting here.
mauiblue
Posted
somehow part of my post went missing!
I was saying that my marriage ended in divorce precisely during perimenopause at 49, and i didnt really even realize that it had much to do with it or i was in denial.
nicola060 Guest
Posted
Hi there, this may sound to the point, but if this is how she feels now I cant see her changing. Sounds like you are waiting for her to ignite her love again for you which I don't think can happen because once you fall out of love you move on. If I were you I would start thinking about myself and what I want, this does not mean that you can no longer support your wife but don't hang around waiting for her to change how she feels, yes perimenapause is a struggle but it is what it is we cannot blame every single thing on the menopause sometimes we need to look at it on a realistic level. It does all sound one sided to me and whilst she does not love you anymore shes happy to keep you hanging on a thread which I don't feel is fare, if she does not want you time to both move on as you both deserve happiness, alternatively you could be the one ending up with a lot of resentment whereas your wife will say she told you so and was hones about her feelings hope all that makes sense and good look