Could this be OCD?
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I'm a 21 yo female, never diagnosed with any mental issues. I've always been a very anxious person, but some of the things I do to cope with that anxiety never seemed odd to me until a couple of years ago. I've always done these things. I constantly worry about germs and allergens, spending ages cleaning something that I'm convinced is contaminated. I avoid close contact with loved ones, like hugs or even touching, because I'm nervous about contaminants being transferred between us. When I read books I have to stop on a page number that ends with 4. I can't pause videos in places where the timestamp adds up to any number that includes a 6. I have to pop my jaw, tap my teeth together, and click my tongue constantly until it feels "right". When I did something I considered "wrong", I would cut myself (not badly, like a cat scratch) as a kind of punishment, though I don't do that anymore. This looks bizarre as I write it, but like I said, I'd always done these things and it seemed normal. I will say that as I grew older, I started being more discreet about them, like I sensed they weren't typical. I'd accept a hug and just shower after, or "spill" something on a surface so I'd have an excuse to clean it.
My last straw was when I was at a gun show examining pistols. I picked one up and felt the overwhelming urge to shoot the people right next to me. Even though it was unloaded, I was terrified and appalled because that has never happened to me before. I didn't say anything, but a month later I was reading a book on some serial killer and when it described what he did to his victims, clear as day a strong urge appeared to do that same thing to somebody. It was horrifying. For months I was scared that I was some kind of psycho until I stumbled upon an article about Harm OCD purely by accident. It never even occurred to me to look up OCD because I never knew the extent of it, or all its subtypes. Could it be the root of all my issues?
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