Could this be the reason I’m so messed up mentally ?
Posted , 2 users are following.
When I was freshly 16 I met this guy online. I lied and told him I was 18, he was 29. I think he always knew I wasn’t really 18 but never said anything. It took me 4 days to confess (we didn’t have sex prior to me telling him). He didn’t care once I told him which I thought was because he “liked” me but I really don’t think it was. I wish that my mom would have cared more because the path I ended up taking was horrible. We started dating and I moved in with him after only dating for about 2 months. Going into it I knew he was a recovering addict but I was naive and didn’t realize the actual seriousness of being a recovering addict only being 6 months clean. The relationship really quickly turned into him controlling everything I did. I couldn’t wear certain stuff, I couldn’t walk to the store and I couldn’t talk to my friends. I couldn’t drive or anything so I was stuck in his house (aka his moms basement). He controlled my food intake and he’d literally basically lock me in his room from like 6 AM to 5 PM. I was allowed to leave with one person which was his best friend. He relapsed early on into the relationship but I didn’t notice for about 5 months. He started losing weight, getting mean and just seemed dead inside. We went from having sex literally 4 times a day to him not being able to stay hard but like I said I didn’t know for so long that he was using so I thought it was because I was gross or something. This went on for months until I finally was like I don’t want you touching me at all. I don’t want to sound like a victim at all but that really f****d me up itself but it gets so much worse. He made me download tracking apps so he could make sure I was where I said I was. I went to a wedding with him and I got “drunk” for the first time and that’s when I really realized how badly he controlled me. He broke up with me for drinking, left me stranded 2 hours away from our house and once I got home he made me beg him for hours to stay with me. I had no other option. I couldn’t go back home at that point. There was a 3 month period where I did move home and he was on a super bad binge of using. He’d ignore me for hours then say he was gonna go over dose then he’d disappear for hours and not answer me. I never had anxiety before this but I was constantly crying and worried so I started doing Xanax. At first they helped but eventually they didn’t do anything. He used to only be nice when I’d offer him money or if I’d just shut up and do what he said so I really just became so weak and let him walk all over me. My mom would give me $30 a week for food (because I was only 16 and didn’t drive so I didn’t work) and he would guilt me into giving it to him so he wasn’t sick. So many times I would need like body wash or girl products and he’d make me feel so bad I’d be upset with myself for even considering saying no to giving it to him. I turned 17 and moved back home, got a job and that’s when stuff got really bad. He’d start telling me he was going to relapse again, ignore me for hours and once it would be time for me to go and see him (didn’t drive yet so I’d get rides) he’d ignore me until I didn’t have a ride. It wasn’t all bad. He was sweet sometimes and wasn’t always a piece of s**t and tried to keep me happy but it was just failed attempts. I was so worried about losing him and being alone I lost site of having a healthy relationship and just being healthy mentally. Toward the end of us being together (once I turned 18 honestly) he avoided seeing me for months but at this point he was all I knew and I was afraid of losing him and my life changing. He broke up with me threw a text message. I got over it within 7 months. I’m in a new relationship now, the guy is great and treats me good but mentally I’m not okay. All I can think is to try and buy him things when we have stupid little fights to keep him happy which I don’t need to do but I’m so worried it’ll end up like my last relationship. When we have sex and if he doesn’t finish but I do I legit have a full mental break down and question myself. When he leaves for the day and doesn’t text me or call me I worry he’s out there doing something bad. I shouldn’t compare him to my ex and I really don’t but I don’t want this relationship to end up like that. It doesn’t sound bad without all the details but the first guy I dated was horrible. Made me do s**t I didn’t want to do and f****d with my head so bad. Should I seeing help? Like therapy or can I work through this myself somehow. Is this even the reason I’m like this ? I sound like an idiot but I really am lost
2 likes, 1 reply
callum151100 lilly70905
Posted
By the sounds of it, you've experienced major emotional trauma, so I would absolutely say you're spot on when you say that this has had a profound effect on your mental health and person.
At the hands of abuse, you could start to develop some of the behaviours you were subject to. It's not uncommon. In an extreme case, it's a bit like how the police find out that a lot of murderers had absolutely awful childhoods. Because of your first relationship, you've become very weary about this one, causing the thoughts that rattle around your mind.
Judging by the behaviours you've expressed concern for, I'd say your self-esteem and confidence are on the floor, causing you to worry about everything that happens in this relationship. Counselling would be a good step - they will be able to inspire confidence in you, build on your trust and maybe even involve your boyfriend to get the best out of the sessions.
It's not proven, but a method I found really good for my low self-esteem before accessing counselling was waking up every morning and writing one positive thing I liked about myself on a post-it and leaving it stuck to my bedroom door for the day. After a while, I started to believe once again that I am an alright person.
Good luck and don't worry - now you've realised a problem, things can only go up from here.