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Cravings today...

Posted , 8 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

I'm typing this because I need to type it out....and I am super anxious.

I had cravings all day today....I was P*ssed off at the facility I go to for depression. Originally, I am the one who suggested randoms...NOW it seems the randoms are "required" for me to continue getting the Ativan I take.

BECAUSE...if you drink on Ativan..you could die.

So, the lady says to me...1 more time you drink and I will cut this prescription off because drinking with it can stop your breathing and I won't be responsible for that!

I GET IT...I do...but I don't do well with ultimatiums...and I'm like OK...F-you...(to myself...to her)...and I'm like....I can frigin drink if I want to...and I don't have to come to this facility...there are plenty more....I just carried this all day.

I'm going to stick with facility...well...at least until the 9th of Aug when they refill my script...but after that...I don't know.

This feeling I am very well aware of is a PRE-RELAPSE feeling....so if I just stay there....I should be fine...but I'm just so sick of doing what is requested all the time...and then being treated like a drug seeker.

I have super high anxiety and need at least 2 pills aday...

They will only give me 35 for the month now (I had 90 a month)....A-holes...lol

0 likes, 22 replies

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  • poppy47815
    poppy47815 Misssy2

    Posted

    It's simple Missy. You want the meds you have to play their game by their rules. So you had a hard day. Hit a rough patch. Revert back to some of the things that relax you. The tea? Try going for a walk. I don't know the answer. Just breathe.

    Tomorrow is a new day. And it will be better

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 poppy47815

      Posted

      I know..and I don't like their rules...your right thou!

      I am joining the gym tommorow...after my brain MRI.

  • ADEfree
    ADEfree Misssy2

    Posted

    Sorry you're having a hard time of it, Misssy! 

    How long have you been on the Ativan? Ativan is a benzo and fortunately, docs are being a lot more conservative with benzos these days. 

    Google:

    "Benzodiazepines treat anxiety, cause long-term problems"

    and check the article in the Bend Bulletin. 

    Are you still attending meetings? 

  • tess33005
    tess33005 Misssy2

    Posted

    You'd have to be taking a LOT of ativan for it to stop your breathing, Misssy, even WITH alcohol, so she's not telling you the truth - however, if that's the rule, you have to go with it.

    I don't like being told what to do, either. Most people don't. But lively, chatty people like you and me are particularly prone to flying off the handle.

    I'm very sorry you're having a hard time, Ms. Anti-Malt-Loaf.

    You've pulled me through some rough times. So has everyone on this site.

    All of us addicts hit walls now and again. So we think first of all about where we can either get a drink or a pill. Our rationality sometimes goes out of the window.

    It'll get better. I've just done a very stupid thing. Having successfully got down to 20mg diazepam daily, I took too many a couple of days ago and decided in panic to order some online. There. Now everybody knows.

    But it's a hiccup. I'm getting better and better at fighting this, so I'm not going to get annoyed with myself. No point. Onwards and upwards, for all of us.

    ALL of us.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 tess33005

      Posted

      I would LOVE to stop hitting walls....I think one thing I have to do is stay away from the computer a little bit.

      I think it is a REALLY good idea for me to join the gym tommorow..

      AND YES...Anti Malt.....I bought a cantaloupe so I can put my healthy cottage cheese in it tonight for a snack.

      Usually, I have a very fattening bagel nightly..with cream cheese and butter..not much better than your MALT LOAF.

  • h1954
    h1954 Misssy2

    Posted

    Forget that the lady wants to take responsibility. You take responsibility. You know that drink and ativan are a fatal combination. What do you choose? Are you still on campral? You can get through this. And you will. Enjoy the gym. All the best.
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 h1954

      Posted

      Yes, I'm still on campral....

      I'm not drinking...I'm just bla.....bored...etc.

      I'm going to paint the linen closet shortly...b/f has to remove the rest of the wood.

      NOW...that I would not be able to do drinking.

    • h1954
      h1954 Misssy2

      Posted

      Be pleased with yourself, Missy. How did the gym go?
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 h1954

      Posted

      I didn't join they gym today....I had an MRI this morning on my brain...which really set the tone for the day...I'm SO SICK of going to Dr....and I was very uncomfortable in the MRI machine...asking to be pulled out one time...tears streaming down my face.

      I just couldn't sit still...by the time I left there (2 hours later)...I was hungry...paying attention to H.A.L.T...I knew that I had to get home and make a tuna sandwich...

      Now I'm just drained....but I did ask if I could help paint the bathroom before I go stir crazy.

      I will join gym tommorow smile

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree Misssy2

      Posted

      Somewhere I read that standing on one leg for 3 minutes and then the other is as good as a long walk! 

      Sorry the MRI was such a trial! I've never had one, what's it like? 

    • h1954
      h1954 Misssy2

      Posted

      Oooh, MRIs are not pleasant. Well done for knowing you needed to eat. I used to want ( and have ) a drink after the gym, but now I know I'm just hungry - same old HALT. Good luck tomorrow.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 h1954

      Posted

      Yes..MRIs of the head are especially hard...because they basically lock your head in a vice...and put you under a machine that surrounds you on all sides...with about 3 inches to spare on each side.

      I had a stomach MRI last month...NO PROBLEM.

      Well.the gym.... tonight my b/f Mom called (she had bought him a gym pass)...it was 50 dollars to sign up and 10 a month...BUT, his Mom called and said they charged her another 50...they must do that yearly.

      I didn't know about that...I thought he was only paying 10 a month..so now I have to show up with 60 vs. 10....so I don't know now...since my income is literally null.

      Yes,the HALT...is very important...an hour ago I was ANGRY and I took a ride to the local hardware shop to see if they had the correct light for my bathroom fan.

      ?It works...if we address the problem...the craving passes...

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 h1954

      Posted

      h1954...have you been sober for a month or so?

      No more wine?

       

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 ADEfree

      Posted

      For the brain -they basically lock your head in a vice...and put you under a machine that surrounds you on all sides...with about 3 inches to spare on each side.

      The stomach...lungs...etc...are much easier (you always have to lay still thou).

      My brain MRI took over 45 minutes todaysad....25 minutes one session and 20 the next...it was torture...tears streaming down my face...asked to be pulled out 1x...and he asked if I wanted to reschedule....I said NOWAY...I'm not doing this over.

      I've had it done 3 months ago as well....LOL...

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree Misssy2

      Posted

      Eeek!

      Why does this remind me of the guy with the pit in The Silence of the Lambs? 

      What was so bloody important about this MRI that they couldn't use the one from 3 months ago? Gawd! Hopefully they won't need another in... forever? 

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 ADEfree

      Posted

      You made me laugh with (Eeek)..LOL.

      I'd rather stand on each leg for 3 minutes...I think.

      No..they have to compare this one to the last one...they keep everything a freaking secret....and its MY health...

      But, remember, I'm always hung over,....or frazzled about something...All I remember was complaining about some of my ongoing symptoms not being identified...and some neuropsycholigist saying they are caused by anxiety and depression...and me telling her NO...I've had anxiety and depression for YEARS and haven't had THESE symptoms.

      And then I said - YOU SAID I DIDN"T HAVE MS....so what is it?

      All I remember is she said....I didn't say you didn't have MS and actually I was sending you in July for another MRI so we might as well send you now when I saw her in May...but I kept postpoining it...so it was today

    • Sober_As
      Sober_As ADEfree

      Posted

      The one-legged stand, is quite a visualisation !

      My back... spine is rubbish...so I can't stand on either leg for 3 seconds !!

      I did have an MRI scan for spine... it's a bit freaky inside the machine... I was in dreadful pain at the time and not feeling very brave !!!

      It's all in a lifetime.

      Angel (as if)

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree Sober_As

      Posted

      You might do better with swimming, Angel. Does NHS set you up with any physical therapy? 

      How are you doing these days? Are you back on Nalmefene?

    • h1954
      h1954 Misssy2

      Posted

      I do drink, Missy, but under control (well, most of the time) and far far less that I used to, with usually one day off a week. I should do better, really.
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