Crippling daily anxiety since break up.

Hi everyone

Hope you are all ok today.

Myself not so much.

I've been a member of patient forum for a long time and have always found it to be helpful.

I previously used it to discuss the anti depressants I take. Venlafaxine 75mg am and 75mg pm.

My life was going well and I seemed to be making a positive turn in my journey.

I started working again full time as a support worker which I love, I began studying health and social care I started driving again and bought a car and me and my ex of 10yrs started saving for a mortgage deposit.

However last September, I made the very difficult decision to end our relationship as I found out he had been unfaithful several times with his best friends girlfriend. I loved him but it was something I couldn't get best and I felt after everything we had been through together I deserved better.

Since then my life has slowly gone down hill, I cannot focus on any aspect of my life. Work, social, college. I am anxious everyday. I cry everyday. I feel sad. I feel lonely. And the pain is getting too much.

My thoughts are mostly of fearing I will be alone forever. Fearing I cannot be a happy single woman.

I fear for my future. It sounds generic as I know all of us go through break ups and have these thoughts but now they are plaguing my life all day everyday.

They are interfering with every aspect of my life and everything I worked so hard mentally to change.

I try to tell myself how far I've come and how I deserve and will find someone who loves me but it doesn't work.

Now I keep thinking never underestimate the security you feel in a relationship...should I have ended it? is it worth feeling this way.

Well that doesn't matter anymore as he has since moved on and is dating someone else.

I myself have been seeing someone. But I cannot bare it. Dating. Knowing where I stand, all these feelings. Not feeling good enough, wondering when he will get fed up of me and end it.

As you can see my self esteem has again hit an all time low. I know deep in my heart that the right thing to do is to be on my own for now as I cannot handle dating yet. But I also enjoy the distraction he brings. The distraction from anxiety and sadness. That is until I go home and all I wonder is why hasn't he text? Why did he do that or this? The whole over analysing every detail.

So I know right now the logical thing is to be on my own.

But I'm scared. I panic when I am alone. I cannot handle my thoughts and fears it's getting too much.

I'm not really sure what I'm expecting from this.

I think just telling someone how I feel and putting it out there helps.

My nature is to bottle everything, I don't tell even my closest friend or my mum who I am close to.

I am very good at painting on a happy face. Very good. I find it difficult to talk. I feel guilty. When I say it out loud I feel stupid and pathetic.

There are so many other people going through a much more terrifying hell than me right now.

Real problems. So much going on in the world and here I am with my pathetic first world problems.

I can't help the way I feel though. I feel drowned and weighed down but these harmful feelings and thoughts and I can't see through all the fog it creates.

On the positive, I have a doctors appointment next Friday. It may mean my tablets be increased again. I had previously been decreasing them. I have no issue with this though as I found these tablets to be helpful.

The only downside was the sweating.

I guess I'm looking for a friendly shoulder. Someone who can relate. Words of kindness?

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading.

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