crushed cant do this anymore
Posted , 2 users are following.
my life is gone . I cant stand myself About 4 months ago I got accused of elder abuse. this was not true. the people who did this are bragging about it like it is some kind of victory for them. I ended up loosing my job. which was everything that I knew in life. I took this as my ideanity. I was bullied at work by my superviser that was the night I cut. I really wish that night I had cut deeper. i went to get help and started therapy. I cant kick it i was in a quiet place beside a river cutting my arms and legswhen the cops were called when I went to the hospital I broke down and hit my head on the ground hard enough that I was hoping I would die but they jumped on top of me. in this i guess I scratched a nurse. they called the cops I and I went to jail. thru all of this I have flashbacks. everyday I want to cut everyday I feel like I want to die I hurt so bad inside. I have to push every day. its too hard.
1 like, 1 reply
kathy00684 justdone
Posted
I am sorry that you are engulfed by this darkness. I have been there before several times in my life. That is why my heart is going out to you. My reasons may have been different...but there were several times that I felt the world was against me...and traumatic events made me feel like I had lost my identity as well.
I can only tell you that I eventually got through those storms. It wasn't a quick walk for sure. I remember describing it as a place in my heart that looked like my whole town ripped and bombed...nothing was recognizable. My life and heart if I compared it to anything...felt much like a total destruction...just like images you see of a devastated area due to bombing.
Each day became a day to fight just for survival. The only way I got through it was to try hard to vision what my new life would look like if I could hang in. Those days I couldn't even imagine a new life.
But in time, a new life happened in small pieces. I look back...and I can't explain how I got out from there...but each day is a step closer to a better place. I no longer cut. I no longer contemplate suicide though after years, I still count the years (instead of days or hours) to how much longer I must survive in my new life.
I guess in many ways...I am still just surviving...with times of LIVING. I keep walking...sometimes still just laying and waiting for the day to pass. Maybe the difference is that now I allow for my laying down days...and knowing that somehow....a living day will come. Sometimes, I believe my life will get better than now. My newer lives never feel as good as the old days...but there is new things in them...that are different...but good. I hope you just take this hour...this day...and know that it will get better...but not the same...and maybe not as good as they were. But definitely not as bad as they are now for you.
I wish i had something more to say. I wish no one had to go through the darkness that you are in. I hope you keep fighting. I do know that things do get better...though not very quickly in my own experiences.