Cyclothymia

It is so hard .... it seems as though unless we have the familiar signs of total bi-polar, they don't believe us.   About 4 years ago, I had a breakdown, a girlfriend took me to the hospital, and after they ascertained that I was not going to commit suicide, about 15 hours later they released me with a promise to see my doctor (which I always did every 2 weeks), and they enrolled me in a 4 week care-plan course at the hospital ... every day from 9 - 5.   I loved those people almost from the start - they felt exactly as I did.  I hated to see it end.   Even with that .... my children (all adults) would not speak of it, ignored it, and just acted as if I was going to a sewing class or something like that.   To make matters worse, I just moved to this area after 30 years in one community in MD, and I am horribly lonesome, but just don't care anymore.

Thank you so much Mariish for writing.

barbara

barb

among many things, yes. Judgmentalism is big these days, time is limited by techno and other distractions, and love is in short supply. Talking to people about being bipolar might satisfy your loneliness, but it won't change your bipolarity, that's a brain-fart. When I told my daughter I was bipolar, she said 'and you've know this 5 years but didnt say anything? This could affect my kids'.  No other advice right now, good luck to you

Hi there lisapezza ..... everytime I even get anywhere near bringing up the subject, they either walk away, change the subject, or get involved in something else.   When I went to the hospital several years ago and took that 4 week group, I went to see them (they lived in another state) and my doctor had just put me on a new med. which literally every time I sat down I fell asleep.    I told my daughter why, and she just responded "oh."   I've give up on getting through to them.   Last year I moved down here near where 2 of them live, because I'm 71 and just thought it wise, so it never comes up.  I'm done trying.   I do have 2 close girlfriends I talk to via e-mail, and I go up to where I used to life to see my therapist, and up every 3 months to get a med. check with my Psychiatrist, so I still have connections at my 30-year hometown.

Barb

I've tried for decades, Barb, and have found family just aren't the same as they used to be, and they no longer care about another "life" unless it effects theirs.

My son is the only one i trust and understands - wants to understand.

Don't bother wasting your time.

Sorry, but it's a different world of feelings and care now.

We don't even have freedom of speech, or god forbid -- the world have a sense of humour!!!!!

Hi it is a lonely illness. I've the same difficulties too. It's family that are the most judgemental in my experience anyways! I have had a particularly lonely day with my two sons. But they're still fairly young. 23 and 19. I cent talk to my oldest at all. I just feel like hibernating

i will say that i have tried to almost hide it from them until they were old enough to hear what i was saying. like 23 is not really old enough. kids these days are very independent and they do not feel the need to comfort us, or take care of us as we did our own parents. so, i try to just let them see me at my best, try to hide when i am not fit to be around, and let them only see a positive side of me. i think that at some point, they will understand. i have to keep telling myself, that bipolar or not, they deserve a mother. one of the things that i do, whether depressed or not is ........ when they call i immediately ask how they are. and focus the conversation on them. sometimes things aren't going so great for them. so then i can get " out of myself" for a bit and try to help them out. that has proven to be really productive.  to just focus the entire discussion on them......then i just don't talk about myself at all. i always end up feeling better when i dont lay all of my BS on them.    can't always do it, but i try. i have to keep remembering that i have a few friends that i can talk to, but with them i just need to focus on them.....   this helps me in a lot of ways....

Hey Swinging Sister..

I tried to hide things from my daughter for so many years but she always knew something was up.

I told her i had bipolar and she now has nothing to do with me because she can't handle the ups and downs of this horrible disease.

My son knew something was up since he was young as well, but instead of walking away, has stood steadfastly by my side helping in any and every way he can.

He is 23 this year and is amazing.

I know i've said in this forum somewhere that it takes someone very special to love and stand by a person with bipolar disorder, and i believe that because i now have no family or friends, no daughter, but i do have the most wonderful, caring, loving, forgiving, understanding and nonjudgemental person i have ever...and will ever...know in and what is left of my existence.

Like you, my daughter, when we were speaking, used to ask how i was, but she wasn't asking because she wanted to know, she just asked out of courtesy.

At first i told her i was either good or bad, but then began always telling her things were good...and was told i was looking for pity!

Unlike my son, she knows nothing of my medical issues or other problems other than bipolar, and seeing she can't deal with having an abnormal mother, she will never know, even if she did contact me or her brother.

My son is my rock and is the only one i see and speak to, apart from a lovely lady i was lucky to cross paths with in a forum and now email and chat with.

She understands better than i think my son does, but he knows and understands so much because he's seen me high and low and everything thing in between. He knows how much pain bipolar causes, not only to those around me but to myself as well. He understands he can't help me and i see that pain in his eyes...and it shatters and grinds my heart to shreds.

I try to hide my pain and horribly dark, dark lows from him but he knows the signs of this horrible debilitating and very lonely disease.

I love him so much and he deserves so much better, but he takes it all in stride and loves me no matter what my condition.

The unconditional love i receive from my son is what my siblings and parents especially should be offering me, but all they have done is exile me and pretend i don't exist.

And to add salt to those "family" wounds, i feel more like a part of a family on the forum.

As far as i'm concerned, being alone is easier and better than always being judged and rejected.

Unfortunately judgement is a human trait, which i also hate.

I know i'm not a bad person, and people i have known, including family, have not seen me at my worst or even close to my worst so their judgement is unwarrented.

I find doctors also judge me and they arr supposed to be neutral and help, or at least try to.

Rejection is disheartening and cruel, especially when it's done by those who don't care enough to want to understand or even want to take the time understand.

you are actually just singing my song. i hate to be totally negative for fear for those who may be really young on here,,,,,, but i think you and i have spoken. i actually lost my oldest daughter.  really, really lost her. she moved as far away from me as she could. She has gone so far that she has taken the " story" of our lives and made it MUCH worse than it ever was. and it has become her idenity. you know, " i'm the one with the crazy mother...."  i tried to fly out to see her over this columbus day and she told me that she could not be alone with me for God's sake. that i had to bring my son to supervise. This hurt me so bad. i mean, that is just CRAZY!!!!   my therapist has told me it is time to let her go, for good. i am 59, she is 36. my son, like yours from day one is my soul mate. he can pick up on my moods in a minute if he is around the house. he worries about me all of the time. no one loves me like this.  So for him i make a huge effort to try to keep my depressive episodes from him if i can. ( meaning, there was a time that i used to pick up the phone and tell everyone i wanted to die, etc...... i don't do that anymore) I am so glad that you have your son. I would die without mine as well. I have a middle daughter, 34, who had to take care of me a lot while growing up. i can't lean on her, but i can count on her if you know what i mean. she has two children, and the thought never occured to me that i would not be able to drive the grandchildren in the car. but she kindly told me that she would rather me baby sit at her house for now.......and although that was really hard to swallow, I have just tried to embrace it, i go every week, she accepts me, and one day these grandchildren are going to be old enough to unconditionally love me like my son. This is the daughter that when she calls I try to 'mother her" and not talk about myself. She just had more than her share of my trials as she was growing up. thanks for sharing this. we have to hold on to what we have and nurture it. your son sounds just awesome!  can you friend anyone on here?  i am coming from another site that is shutting down and i am still navigating it........as far as other family, i have 3 brothers, one commited suicide, an uncle did, and a nephew and they still tell me to snap out of it. all of them are in denial and i am happiest when i am alone with my animals anyway. hope you have a great rest of the day......

Yes, Swinging Sister, we have spoken before!

For that reason i won't rehash over your post, except to say that my daughter, like yours, has told her stories and made them much worse...and mostly incorrect...and taken what she has come to believe as her identity as well, where nothing was ever good, or right, seeing she has such a crazy mother.

I don't know if you can "friend" people on these forums, but i do know you can send personal messages via the small envelope on the far right of the names between posts.

It seems our story is quite similar.

I'm glad we both have our sons. Our totally AMAZING sons.

Take care