Dangerous thoughts and unable to look ahead.

Posted , 4 users are following.

So I was diagnosed over a year ago now, 20mg of Citalopram once daily. I don't spend hours every night trying to get to sleep now. I'm no longer drinking a bottle of wine a day. I've gained a massive amount of weight because I'm eating now but something has changed recently.

Over the last few months I started to feel more numb each day. I can't feel happy/excited/sad. I go to work and do my job every day. If I do decide to drink I just can't stop at one. My weight gain disgusts me, I have no sex drive because I repulse myself so much. I feel bad for the boyfriend.

I don't see a future, I have access to dangerous drugs at work and although I haven't yet, I have considered taking some and getting absolutely sh*t faced so I can stop feeling like this. I drunkingly text my boyfriend the other night telling him outright that I don't want to live anymore and I just feel ashamed. I don't want him to see me as being weak. I feel weak, I want to get excited about life but I feel stuck. Nothing is moving, I'm exhausted and do not have the energy to change anything.

I just needed to rant, I could go on but I shan't.

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello bellaathome......

    Oh lovey, your post makes me feel so, so sad for you.....xxx I interstate how you feel. I had a very bad alcohol problem for many years...( after four sections I have improved ) but like yourself , I feel no joy or inspiration...I have a wonderful family, and a beautiful little grandson....so I feel terribly guilty about my lack of joy....I am on quite a lot of medications, they helped at first. But not now....I dread the future....

    Now...have you been to see your GP....you can ask to be referred to a clinical psychologist, and ...or....a psychiatrist.....

    You should not have to feel like this, life is there to enjoy....

    Try to set a routine for sleep ( my pattern is abysmal )

    Eat at regular times....spend time just for yourself, watch a film, read a book....treat yourself to a new hairdo and some make up....

    I hate the effect that my dressing has on my family...so I have to pull myself up....I rarely get dressed.....

    So lovey, please see your GP....ASP. AND open up totally, take your partner with you also....you deserve to be happy, and you can be happy....All you need is a little help from your GP....after all...depression is an illness.....

    I wish you joy, good health, and above all xxxxx to wake up every, single morning....HAPPY AND SMILING.....HUGS... XXXXXX

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  • Posted

    Hi Bella, hope you're feeling better today, or at least different? 

    A lot of us benefit from just having a good rant!

    It may be that your meds need reviewing if you feel they're not working so well recently? 

    Please don't push your boyfriend away - my drunk brain does it all the time, but you need that support, and if that person is still there, that's good news. 

    You know deep down that depression isn't a weakness, it's something that we need help with, medication for, and understanding of. If people haven't experienced it then they can find it hard to fathom - and equally we can't try and predict what they think of us.

    All the best xx


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  • Posted

    Hi lovey, I do so truly hope that you are feeling better, sending you big,warm and sincere hugs ..always....love also xxxxxx
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    • Posted

      Hi lovey, I am now on sleeping pills, unfortunately not helping. But I am being referred back to my psychiatrist to help with my awful sense of either sheer dread....or total emptiness.....

      Keep you chin up lovely lady, there is a light at the end of the tunnel....love, and warm cuddly hugs to you always lovey xxxxx....

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