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So I was diagnosed over a year ago now, 20mg of Citalopram once daily. I don't spend hours every night trying to get to sleep now. I'm no longer drinking a bottle of wine a day. I've gained a massive amount of weight because I'm eating now but something has changed recently.
Over the last few months I started to feel more numb each day. I can't feel happy/excited/sad. I go to work and do my job every day. If I do decide to drink I just can't stop at one. My weight gain disgusts me, I have no sex drive because I repulse myself so much. I feel bad for the boyfriend.
I don't see a future, I have access to dangerous drugs at work and although I haven't yet, I have considered taking some and getting absolutely sh*t faced so I can stop feeling like this. I drunkingly text my boyfriend the other night telling him outright that I don't want to live anymore and I just feel ashamed. I don't want him to see me as being weak. I feel weak, I want to get excited about life but I feel stuck. Nothing is moving, I'm exhausted and do not have the energy to change anything.
I just needed to rant, I could go on but I shan't.
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