Dating a recovering opiate and herion addict. Advice would be really appreciated!

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Hi everyone,

My name is Lauren and I am 20 years old attending nursing school. I also struggle with severe anxiety and PTSD. I need advice from anyone who could relate or help in my situation. I met my boyfriend, Evan who is 24 years old. His addiction began soon after he was prescribed OxyContin and Xanax when he was a freshman in college. He was injured playing hockey which is why he was prescribed pain medication and Xanax was for his anxiety. The pills took control of his entire life and his college career. He started to party a lot, drink a lot, take pills, and then he became very isolated. He was antisocial and depressed.

After relapsing 6 times and going to the ER, in and out of rehabs he is in recovery...that I know of. When I met him he really underplayed his addiction and had told me he had a minor problem with Xanax and as we continued dating I found out more and more and more....my dad did a background check and his track record was extremely extensive. He has had numerous arrests and charges with possession of herion and paraphernalia. Also his mood swings are horrible and all over the place. He punches holes in walls, doors, breaks things, and hurts himself purposefully. I try to give space between us and he tells me he's going to kill himself. I can't take it anymore. I love him more then anything but I can't stand him going from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. I can't tell if he's using again. He has suspicious behavior. He asks me to go get suboxone for him and I end up in the hood where I shouldn't be. He smokes weed every day but claims he doesn't use opiates/herion/benzos.

My family absolutely hates him. My family threaten to kill him and have even gone as far as accusing me of doing drugs with him because I've lost 35 lbs in the past year. It's because of stress and anxiety plus nursing school. He's terribly mean to me but then apologizes after.

He's mean to his family and blames everybody else but himself. Then I feel like it's my fault. I'm so upset and I wanted to start going to alanon to understand him. I just don't have anymore energy. My parents have tried to get him arrested.

1 like, 12 replies

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Also he lies about the weirdest things. I found money missing out of my purse and he swears on his life he didn't take it. And yet he tells me how wonderful I am, supportive, loving, caring, appreciative, wants to spend the rest of his life with me but puts his addictive behaviors before our relationship. He talks to people who use drugs, stopped going to AA and NA meetings, stopped going to work. It's been a full time job trying to help him and I realize that I cannot help. I need to help myself and I've been putting him before me....which is wrong. I hate myself for it but I'm in a funk. I don't know how to get out of it. I have no support
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    • Posted

      Hi lauren. I am a recovering addict and it is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. But all I want to say is until u stand up and say hey I'm not goin through thos anymore anf b done with it. He will either get real help or he will lose u. I love my wife to death but after soberin up and seeing her tears from me bein hateful towards her almost tore my heart out
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  • Posted

    Hi Lauren - get out of that relationship as fast as you can - he is displaying all the traits of an addict in active addiction, lies cheats, steals and manipulates everyone and every situation to suit him and his addiction- trust me i have done all of the above when in active addiction - run as fast as you can outta there - you gotta look after you - his addiction is not your responsibility- you cannot "fix" him - it is not your job - his threats to kill himself is more manipulation - he needs to deal with his addiction - only he can do this - i have lived in the world of addiction for thirty years- you do not want this in your life, unless you want to live with a whole world of pain, betrayel, never knowing if he will come home, if he is using or not, when he will relapse- get out now before you get sucked into this - you need to focus on your studies listen to your family- the people that love you for you- not for what they can get out of you - you can NEVER trust an addict when they are using- the drugs will ALWAYS come first- Alanon is a good idea or Naranon (same thing except more orientated towards drugs) DO NOT listen to any b...s..t from any social worker types about rehabilatation - only he can do that for himself - he is not your responsibility - you owe it to yourself - post here for support - go to Naranon - wish you the best of luck - make the right choice for you -
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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your advice. It seems like everyone just wants me to run... We have been dating for a a year and a half and it's very hard to leave. He will make my life a living hell, he's obsessed with our relationship and the fact that I'm a good looking girl, who is supportive, nice and has never done drugs in her life. I've smoked a little weed here and there but I have NEVER touched another drug. He threatens to hurt himself and blames it on me
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  • Posted

    Sweetie, it doesn't matter if he is currently using or not using because he is abusing you in many ways. That is the only real issue now for you to look at, and please do look at I hard and be truthful with yourself. You already know what to do. It is just very hard to make the break from someone like him. I know from personal experience. These guys are often ultra charming as well as mean. How else could they get away with their bad behavior if they weren't extra appealing somehow?

      The big red flag was when he said he'd kill himself if you left him. That is direct emotional manipulation and hostage-taking behavior. You are not responsible for him, his feelings, or his behavior. Only he is. That is cruel and a sign that he is a violent abuser whose behavior can go to any extreme. 

      You are young, smart, and starting on a path to a career that will make you self-sufficient. That probably scares him to death, because he knows you might leave him if you didn't need him. One more day in the wrong relationship might destroy your chances for a brilliant future. And there's a good saying, "you don't want to be with Mr. Wrong when Mr. Right comes along." Ever want kids someday? Is this the ideal father for your future children? I certainly hope not.

      Making a CLEAN and ABSOLUTE break is the only way to handle this. No texting, answering his calls, emails, Facebook taunts, nothing! I hope you listen to your parents and take care of yourself. You sound lovely and obviously have a big heart. Don't waste it on this loser. Good luck!

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    • Posted

      That's a good way to look at it! I would not want my kids around this father figure. It's just about making the right moves from here on out. Sometimes it's hard because he just reels me back in by making me feel sorry for him, promising he won't act that way again, doing nice things, attempting to fix the relationships with people, but his actions certainly don't show it. I'm tired of being pulled around because my life as we speak is stag. I need to move forward but I am lacking the support from others so it's going to be hard on my own.
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  • Posted

    I'm sure you will find being on your own challenging in many ways. I know I did. After I moved out, my ex started sending me huge bouquets of flowers which he couldn't afford (that made me feel guilty), he sent cards and letters and phone messages. And then he'd show up when I would be sitting outside (he'd drive by all the time), and eventually he came by one evening when I was feeling really blue and lonely, and he looked so put together and charming and loving... Yes, I went back to him, again! Now I know there's a term for what he was doing. It's called "hoovering" or sucking me back in. You'll have to try very hard not to let him work this technique on you. It didn't take my guy very long to start acting badly again, and then I had to leave again. And that time took getting the police involved. Not worth it!!

    Maybe you could stick around your school's campus, library, or a nearby place to study/eat and hang out with female friends. And if you don't have any (these guys tend to demand all your time and energy), it's time to make some. They will be the ones who will help keep you strong. You'll be easy prey for other guys who are really the same guy, but with a different face, so no dating for quite a while. Try to get strong and learn how to handle life by yourself. Then you'll attract a good man who you will WANT to be with, not just NEED to be with.

       Life is hard when you suffer from anxiety and PTSD. Hopefully you can get some counseling to help with that or you can just start reading self-help books or go to support groups on the Internet. You remind me so much of the struggles I went through, and I hope some of my life wisdom will be helpful to you. Then maybe my experiences wouldn't have been for nothing. And once you get through this, you may get a chance to help someone else.

    when in doubt of what to do, think of yourself as your best friend, your sister or your daughter. What would you tell her to do? Give it a try. I'm behind you all the way.

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  • Posted

    Hi Lauren,

    Sorry to hear your in this situation. I myself have been on both sides of it. Firstly with my ex partner who was a herion, crack and methadone addict and I went through everything your now dealing with. Its like dealing with a child. It went on like that for 3 years until I stupidly started smoking herion and crack myself. So I have seen it from both sides and I can promise you that unless he cuts off his old life and fully committs to getting clean now while your still together it wont change. Luckily I got out of that and got clean but in alot of ways when your in that situation it feels easier to carry on than go through the struggle of getting clean. It took me a year of tapering down on methadone which everyday was hard and then a month of agony without anything for my body to final get most of that horrible stuff out of my system. It was the hardest things ive ever had to do but I was determind to do it and you really do have to be to go through something like that. Its upto you to be able to judge if you think with support he can want wants to get clean. Firstly addicts lie! Do not believe everything he tell you. Addicts get very good at bending the truth to get what they want. Sounds like its time to give him an ultimatum. If he's generally is wanting to get clean be there and support him and if not you need to cut all ties, but I promise you it wont be easy either way.

    Best of luck

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    • Posted

      Thank you for sharing this with me! I'm sorry you had to go through what you did but at least you were determined to keep pushing through it. The hard thing is is that I do love him and I tend to look for the good in people. Even though he is an addict, addicts can be loved just as much as anyone else right? I mean we are all human and make mistakes. I want to believe he is a good person who has a good heart because I can spurts of it! I do see hope in his recovery because I can tell he wants to get better but some days he just sits at home and mopes in misery. I hate to see him so depressed because when I was going through my anxiety and PTSD he didn't leave my side. Now he is struggling and I feel like I need to be by his, not just kick him to the curb. Despite him having these addictive behaviors, I see a good person who needs help and support. I just hope he sees the light at the end of the tunnel or else I have to move on because I deserve someone to love me just as much as I do him.
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  • Posted

    Dear, feel free to pm me. I know the ins + outs in addiction. Having grown up with it in my family, had 3 serious relationships with opiate /herion /anything they can get their hands on type addicts & last but not least, I too am a recovering addict from opiates, herion, benzos, amphetamines, alcohol, etc., list goes on. I too have struggled in relationships trying to help them up when they were down, while I was clean then however, like my mother always told me..., misery loves company & regardless the efforts put forth by you with intent to help another to their feet, so to speak, 9 out of 10 times that person will always bring you down with them. Its unfortunate yet true.
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  • Posted

    I myself am a recovering addict, it is our chosen path to continue in addiction, all of the rehabs and family help is redundant if the person isn't truly ready. I don't know what to advise you because you seem well informed of the situation, staying is a personal journey only you can decide to take or leave alone. I know for myself I noticed people didn't want me around anymore, I became a liar and dependable was not what I was known for. No one made it easy for me to be an addict and that is a huge part of maintaining, if you have no place to stay and no one is helping you do anything you start to realize this isn't working. I wish you the best my dear. This road to recovery is arguably a long one for the sober person involved and there are many pot holes along the way. It is never ending and is a lifetime commicommitment.
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