Dating and sexual relationships while living with HS

Posted , 4 users are following.

Although I have family who has HS I do not talk about my feelings or anything at all about having this disease to people.  For a while I was in remission then something happened where my emotions have been out of whack which triggered the disease and it came full force.There's one person in my life who knows that I am embarrassed I am about my scars but we do not talk  about deep deep stuff about it. This person happens to be a guy that I have known for years and will hopefully be my boyfriend if we get the chance. A little background we are basically exclusive however, he moved to another country and although we don't want a long distance relationship it's kind of a LDR. We've had sex and he has seen and felt my scars. He says that my scars aren't that bad and he's fine with them. So whenever we have our sex time it's either over the phone or through FaceTime. The other night we were FaceTiming and I couldn't preform because of my flare up and the simple fact that I am disgusted by my scars although he is fine with them and because I just don't feel sexy. He doesn't know that it has returned and I don't know how to tell him. I do not understand how can someone be truly ok with this? I am disgusted by it because well 1. it does look nasty and 2. It isn't normal. Today's society pressuring women that they have to look a certain way and believing that men believe in that has a lot to do with why I feel this way. Just thinking about this I am lost for words. 

How  do I cope with having HS while in a relationship?

should I be fine with how my body looks with the scars if so how do I?

Is it wrong to feel disgusted with myself?

Finally, how can I make myself feel sexy?


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9 Replies

  • Posted

    The only women who can look perfect are models and most of us aren't in the same category are we?  And don't forget they and celebrities are often air brushed.  And because they have money they can afford personal trainers,  make up artists etc.  The normal person can't.  

    I don't believe that men expect women to look a 'certain way' at all.  I think a man is attracted by someone with a good personality and who is intelligent with a good sense of humour.  Of course looks do play a certain part to attract a man in the first place but you don't get to keep a man on looks alone unless you are looking for a shallow man who just wants an ornament to hang off his arm and to look good in front of his mates.  I presume you don't want that?  

    You have to accept yourself warts and all and being comfortable in your body and skin is a very attractive quality.  I do understand how you feel about the scars though coz I have loads as well.  But believe your boyfriend who says they are not a problem.  If he can accept them so should you.  Have faith in him.  After all he doesn't have to stay with you if he doesn't want to does he?  He would be off with someone else wouldn't he?

    It's not wrong to feel disgusted by your scars but don't forget they look far worse to you than they do to others - just see them as war wounds and part of the whole of you.  Like I said no one is perfect are they?

    On a practical note if they are very bad you can have surgery on them and the best way to find out about this is to speak to your dermatologist.  Hope I have helped a bit.  x

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    • Posted

      I know no ones perfect and that these celebrities have the money to do stuff that is regular people can't do as freely. 

      No I donl not want a shallow guy. But it's hard to have sex with him, with me being so self conscious. My mind is more on my scars than actually trying to please him at times. He loves to look at me but I feel extremely uncomfortable. 

      I am thankful to be one of the few people who has someone that is fine with their scars. He doesn't have to be with me I know that, which makes it a little more special. 

      Btw I like what you said " my war wounds". However, from what I understand from my doctor, I am supposed to be getting them removed in December. So I'm a bit excited about that.

      Thanks for your advice. It really helped. 

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  • Posted

    I bet he probably couldn't care less, I have had HS since I was a child and it worsened through puberty, I had a bit of a bad time as a teenager (sleeping around) and I'm not proud of it but I can honestly say I've never had a negative comment, before you go thinking I look like a super model, I'm a size 16, and have stage 3 HS, these men were not worth my time but any who are won't care either. Would you stop finding this guy attractive if he had a scar or if god forbid he was in an accident or something? No cus whilst looks do play a part you find his personality and his whole being sexy as I'm sure he does with you, with regards to feeling sexy, only you can change that, my boyfriend knows I always feel "sexier" after I've had a bath (incase any have burst) and he knows not to put his arms under mine cus that makes me conscious. Talk to him and tell him what makes you feel self conscious I bet he will understand. Just try to relax a bit because a smile is much sexier than a frown smile it will get better and everyone here cares if you ever need to have a rant about it! 
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    • Posted

      He says he doesn't care but it's hard to be in the moment cause I'm so worried about my scars. And I know he can see and feel me being self-conscious.

      No I wouldn't stop liking him if God forbid something ever happened to him. I do accept  that I have HS it is a part of life. I personally don't believe he can handle the issue that come with HS plus having pidinonial cyst or howecer you spell it. I NEVER let him see me frown about it. We'll talk rarely about it if I have a down day.  

      I know it's up to me to feel sexy but at the moment I am struggling with my weight and I've been trying to work out but the other day after I did work out my pidinonial cyst began to bleed so it's like what do I do?

      Thanks for your reply though it helps smile

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  • Posted

    I so understand what you're saying with regards to working out because I have the same issue, I try to go running but it's one day on 3 days recovery, it is hard! 

    I find the same problems as you, we are our own worst enemy, when I'm feeling down or sore every time he touches me I feel gross and agitated, it's not easy I know that but he accepts you and you need to let him into your world, I had a really bad experience the other night that I'll share with you, my partner and I had sex and afterwards he went to the bathroom, he can't back in and asked if I was ok or if it hurt 'down there' I didn't understand what he meant until I turned the light on, both my legs and his had blood and what I can only describe as pus on, one of my lumps on my leg had obviously burst. Worst nightmare situation and I started crying, he left the room and I thought he was annoyed or disgusted or something, came back 5 minutes later and said he had run me a bath and was doing a hot water bottle for my leg, he sat there with this all over his legs for probably 20 minutes before he had a shower because it didn't bother him as much as me being upset did. I love him but I never thought that situation would go that way. It really demonstrated to me how little it bothers him, I am the one with the problem with it. Men are more sensitive than we give them credit for! Lol I really hope you can take some inspiration from that because you deserve to be happy! 

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    • Posted

      Yes! When I had just started I worked out 1 day and couldn't walk for the rest of the week! I really want to get back in shape but I literally don't know how. I drink a lot of water now (yuck!) as for eating I'm still working on it. I don't eat junk and I don't eat a lot but my proportions are big rolleyes a work in progress right? And work with what you can do. 

      But I would have died if that ever happened to me! I fear that would happen with us but I try not to have sex especially if I'm having a flare up for the same reason. I'm so happy for you with how your guy acted. If that ever happened I'd die. We should give men more credit than they get. 

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  • Posted


    I have bad scars all over my thighs and my panty line. I also have bad cysts under my arms. It went into remission when I was pregnant but it has gotten really bad now and sometimes I feel disgusting. Sometimes I feel helpless and annoying to my husband because I have to ask him to help me so often when my arm is really hurting me.

    I can't wear deodorant because of open cysts on both arms and so I feel really self conscious when my husband wants to be close. I can't put my arms around him unless I just got out of the shower recently or put on perfume. Its really hard. I also hide when we're intimate because I know its not pretty to look at a woman with scars and red bumps everywhere. I also have some under my breasts and I usually don't take off my bra anywhere near my husband, including for sex. My husband doesn't seem to mind though and he knew I had them when he married me. He still tries to see me naked all the time but I just don't want to lol.

    I try not to let it get me down because there is nothing I can really do about it. Why be sad and or stressed when it is relatively out of my control. The scars are there and they will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I just try to learn how to hide them and still be sexy in other ways. Like for example I wanted to wear something sexy for my husband on his birthday and so I found a night gown with a really sexy top and then the bottom is a long semi-transparent skirt that has long slits on the sides. So the skirt covers my inner thighs but shows the outside where I have smooth skin. Combine that with low candle light and my husband does not even have to see any scars and bumps. But even when he does he is not grossed out about it. Would he prefer clear smooth skin? Sure, who wouldn't, but he loves me and I am sure your partner is exactly the same way.  I went out and bought some really fancy lacy bras and when I know we are goign to have sex I put one on. Otherwise I wear regular cotton ones cause its better. But that is another way to be a little more sexy. What guy doesn't like seeing a sexy bra?

    Whether for just a fling or for a more serious relationship, you have to be condfident that, despite your scars, you are beautiful. You are not defined by HS and that is not all you are. You are so much more than your scars and if a man does not see that well you really want to be with him? If all he wants is a "model" woman with smooth baby skin then he doesn't sound like he is interested in much other than sex.

    So I know your question was more about confidence and well I hope you can find that in yourself. If you have HS or if you don't have HS confidence is not about being "model" perfect. If this guy is ok with your scars then perhaps you have to look at yourself and be happy about your other qualities that make you lovable and sexy. There are so many ways to be sexy and women have for centuries, hidden flaws and played up the good. Because of the media women think that the only way to be sexy is to be beautiful liek a photoshopped model in a magazine. But thats not true. Every woman has a sexual allure and you jsut have to find yours and be confident with yourself.

    Ultimately it's only you who can make yourself feel comfortable. I personally believe that almost everyguy is more distracted by the fact that he is gonna get lucky then whether or not you have scars. And when you get to the serious relationship point, he is not gonna care about any of that. Best of luck to you. You're not alone.

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