Day 10 of Sertraline

While im not happy you have to go through this too, I am happy that im not alone. I used to like my job(within reason) so its really a scary thought that this might just be my actual aversion to work/social situations rather than anxiety. Its hard for me to tell what is me and whats my anxiety. 

What is your plan at the moment? Just titrate up and ride the wave? So far all i do is manage to drag myself to the gym for a decent workout every few days and im watching lots of movies to distract myself, hoping to read a couple books this summer. 

I just hope the fear of working will subside. Finding a job is hard these days let alone a job thats going to allow me to ‘get back into the swing’ of things. 

The only thing that makes any of this okay is that I live with my parents(im 24) so im not starving or on the streets. 

I am also worried that my fears drive my anxiety and hinder my recovery as well. The first time I was on sertraline I had a job so I was busy and didnt have time to ‘feel’ all the side effects but now since I am alone for half the day im almost forced to feel the meds. 

I hope things go well for you. Ill keep you updated on my situation. I am sleeping better which is nice but I still get queezy when i try to update my resume/look at job postings. 

I don’t really have a plan, I’m just taking it a day at a time.  Work can wait as far as I’m concerned, my mental health is more important than any job.   I walk my dogs every day for about 2 or 3 miles which keeps me active and I am trying to practice mindfulness which I do think helps.   I waited ages and finally got cbt through my gp but only had one session so I’m not overly convinced about that one yet but will keep an open mind.   It’s good that you are home with your parents, if you need to focus on recovery and be off work then at least you have that option.   Have you ever tried cbt or mindfulness.   Perhaps something to consider.    

Yea there was a point a little over a year ago where I really got into meditation and mindfulness. But this time around i find it alot harder, my mind isnt still for very long. 

I try focusing on my surroundings rather than my feelings when I get anxious. I do some modest breathing exercises but they never do much when im actually having a panic attack/bad anxiety. 

I would love to try cbt or psychotherapy but ive never been offered anything and the doctors I have asked dont seem to know of any services covered by health canada. Private counselling is waaaay too expensive for me, but i am looking around at other options. Everything is hidden behind an 8 month waiting list so thats really frustrating. I waited over a year to get into counselling(I start on wednesday) 

If you dont mind me asking, what do you do for work? Are you unemployed or do you have a job waiting for you?  Because I just want to say if you do have a job— the stress of actually FINDING a job isnt there and thats a huge burden lifted. I know if I could go somewhere where I knew everyone and has previously had some success, I woukd be okay. I think at that point its just a matter of ‘getting used’ to working again. So dont be afraid. 

For me its the Finding the new job that makes me anxious. If i could go back to my old job I loved at the University bookstore in my city id be well on my way to recovering, but alas they ignore my applications and emails now. 

I wonder what kind of jobs are suitable to someone in my(or our) situation. I like to help people, I like feeling like im atleast making the world a slightly better place rather than worse, or just chasing money. I just find the idea of getting a degree or a diploma just as daunting as holding down a job. I may be inspired/motivated one day and just a train wreck the next. How does anyone do anything with anxiety like this?  Everyday feels like a nightmare. 

And yea, maybe I should plan less and just take it a day at a time, its just so hard. The minute i feel good i start to obsess about finding a job and then i end up being really stressed out. Its hard when everyone I know is working and ive convinced myself that I NEED a job to be taken seriously as a person. Kind of ashamed to start up conversations with new people when i dont have a job to talk about. 

I work in medical admin.  My job is waiting for me if I decide to go back and they have been so supportive so I have nothing to complain about I’m really lucky.   I think right now is the wrong time for you to try and make any big decisions about study or employment, your main focus needs to be on your mental health, we are nothing if we haven’t got that, it’s more important right now, you are still so young and have so much ahead and it will all be there when you are better.  I didn’t go to college until I was 39, not that I’m saying wait till then lol, just keep in mind that anything is possible.   It will be much easier for you to see clearly once you have your mind under control and that’s when you should make decisions.   

Thanks Laura, I try to keep that in mind. There are a few factors (society in general and some people in my life) who convince me that the anxiety is caused by not working. I have been out of work since April 2017 but havent been this anxious the whole time. I was just depressed through the winter so i slept alot(12 hours a night usually)

So its hard for me to sit around all day, just hoping ill get better considering its been over a year. I just have this nagging voice that makes me think ive missed the boat and this anxiety is because of that. 

Thats neat you ended up going back to school at 39. Im only 24 and i feel its too late so that gives me some hope. 

Reconnecting with old friends and family has been a positive experience it wasnt really something i was capable of while juggling a job and the anxiety. I feel as though im getting closer to knowing who I am but dang some days it gets so bad I doubt any percieved success is even happening. I hate being a burden on my family, because we dont have alot of money and I cant afford rent so im pretty much destroying my mom’s chance at a decent retirement/pension. 

What kind of mindfulness do you practise? Also sorry i type so much, i have alot to say haha, and i think youre the first person who sounds very similar to me so I am excited to go on this journey with you. 

And did you start at 50mg sert or work your way up? I think im going to try 25mg for a month and focus more on healthy habits and diet— i really dont want to be on medication. 

I started at 25mg did that for a week then straight to 50mg and it has not been too bad, some days I feel overwhelmed a bit but that is easing I think.   It really does take time to properly kick in, I have used sertraline before over the years so I know this drug well.   Don’t be scared to take meds, I used to think that way but if I had any other disease that needed medication I wouldn’t hesitate and it should be no different with antidepressants, you have an illness, you shouldn’t be ashamed to treat it any way that you see fit.   I’m sure your mum and dad don’t see you as a burden.   If my kids needed support at your age or any age for that matter, I would be first to help them so you need to stop guilting yourself and feeling a burden, nobody would choose anxiety and depression, you can’t just make it go away, it’s not your fault.   I downloaded some mindfulness books on my kindle and recently read a really awesome book called “hardcore self help, f*** anxiety by Robert duff” it’s brilliantly written and a breath of fresh air as the author who is a psychologist just talks like a normal person and I guarantee he will make you laugh at his description of anxiety and all it’s woes.    Don’t be scared to take the meds, or to increase the dose if that’s what your doctor suggests, you might just be delaying the best thing that’s ever happened to you.   

I wouldnt say that im scared of the meds themself, i think theres alot of evidence that it helps alot of people. I just dont believe meds do anything to help the underlying issues, and I want to be able to live freely in that regard. I will take them to help with the current situation but i am always going to be counting the seconds until i can be med free. I wasnt like this my whole life, and believe i can at some point get back to being healthy on my own. 

The sexual side effects and the way even having one beer makes me sleepy makes me hate these meds. What is life without sex and being able to enjoy a beer without conking out half an hour later? Thats essentially why i stopped sert in the first place, i felt okay but the side effects started to effect my life in a way that made it not worth it the effects. Obviously I need them now but i truly believe I shouldnt have started them in the first place. Before my first time on sert i was just midly depressed and had a short fuse but was functional, but ever since ive started down the road of meds my anxiety is Debilitating in a way i couldnt fathom before the medication. Its created a dependance that I am not okay with. Doctors dont care about actually curing it, just treating symptoms. 

And im not a big fan of comparing depression to other diseases that require medication like diabetes or something— you can test someone’s insulin levels to determine diabetes. My mental health hasnt been tested or diagnosed. Theres no way to know how bad it is/ if you actually need medication or if you just need to change your lifestyle and expectations. Now here I am dependant on drugs when i think i would have been better off doing lifestyle changes first. GP just threw pills at me. Didnt ask about my diet or lifestyle. 

I lowkey hate the way doctors treat depression in young impressionable adults and kids. 

Absolutely agree that any doctor should be exploring other options before handing out meds but I also fully believe that for some people they need the meds to bridge the imbalance of seratonin.   We can’t test our brain like we can test our blood but we can look at the facts of each individual and how their mental health impacts their life, I believe if you are unable to function on a day to day basis then meds certainly will help to lift you up enough to be able to start building foundations underneath yourself.   It’s a personal choice whether to take them or not.  It’s an interesting comment you make about never being this bad before having taken meds, I do sometimes wonder this myself, had I never taken ssri would things have got this bad, I guess we will never know the answer to that one.   There is so much evidence to show that lifestyle changes ie diet exercise etc are a huge part of maintaining good mental health so that’s something I am doing at the moment and it does help me.   I dabbled in recreational drugs when I was your age, I also wonder if that played a part in my anxiety, I am pretty sure it can’t have been good for my neurons lol.   Anyway, it’s been a long day and I’m ready for sleep, I have enjoyed chatting with you today, here’s hoping tomorrow is a calm peaceful day for us all.  

Yea i did some recreational drugs too, i often wonder if that has added to the problems. 

Yea i agree, i am sure we will have a good sunday. It was nice talking to you too. Lets see where we are in a week or two