Day 6 and feeling scared

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hi everyone,

I am on day 6 of 'flu' and struggling. I went to see a GP in early December as I finally realised that something wasn't quite right, I was up and down with moods, tearful, argumentative, totally paranoid about 2 friends in particular, so much so that I have totally alienated one of them and there is no way back for our friendship. I am the sort of person who will not talk about their feelings and tend to get totally withdrawn, so him calling me a moody cow really didn't help.

Anyway, I saw this GP and explained everything to him, and his decision was to send me for blood tests and give me a questionaire about my feelings to fill in, blood tests were done and I then had to wait until last week for the results.

During the 'wait' I decided to finish work early for Christmas as I really did not want to join in the festivities and couldn't think of excuses, normally I am the life and soul of the party. The day I finished work we had a phone call to say that a very close family member had passed away suddenly - totally knocked me for six and I spent the next two weeks doing nothing, things just passed in a blur and all plans and good intentions went out the window.

Finally saw my own GP last Monday who told me all the blood results were normal, then took one look at the answers to my questionarie and actually listened to what I was saying and prescribed 'flu'.

I started taking 20mg a day on Tuesday morning, the side effects haven't been too bad yet, had nothing until Thursday, when I felt really nauseous for a couple of hours, and now get a headache about 15 mins after taking my flu, this usually lasts for most of the day. My sleeping is totally erratic, because I want to be on my own, I go to bed really early which means I wake at stupid o'lock, but I am totally exhausted and feel like I am just going through the motions. Yesterday I was actually sick. Today, I cannot shake off the feeling of impending doom and have been pacing up and down, and can't settle to anything.

I declined a sick note as I don't think sitting at home all day will help and have only told 4 people in work about my depression, they have been understanding, but because I can't explain what has caused it - I have no idea, I get the feeling they don't believe me, maybe that is just me. I also attend university on a part time basis and ot is work related so I know that if I don't go to work I will get kicked off the course, I have done no work towards my course for this particular section and have to see my tutor this week - she has no idea, but I know I won't get any sympathy or time extension.

I could go on for ages but don't want to bore anyone, I just needed to start to talk about things to people who understand. Thanks for listening.

R x

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi RacheyB, this sounded so familiar, I had to respond. I had been feeling not quite right for about a year, then felt really tired and stressed at work. This was followed by feelings of no-one liking me (not true) and also a real lonliness and sadness. I carried on and carried on and it was only when I broke down and couldn't stop crying that I went to my doctor who said it could be stress. I had a week off sick, went back in exactly the same state and still wouldn't accept that I was ill. I did the questionnaire you mentioned which came out as moderate depression.

    My doctor (fantastic woman, really sympathetic) recommended flu (20mg) and I was really against it. She said if you had a heart problem you would take tablets, this is an illness like any other but it's hidden and you feel guilty with it - part of the condition.

    I didn't feel any different for the first few weeks on flu apart from a small sense of relief. I had many of the side effects people mention on this site in order of the worse first; nausea, headaches, fatigue, panic attacks (racing heart, golf ball in chest, sense of dread at the smallest task), 2 lots of dodgy tum, weight loss, loss of appetite and yawning. Although the list sounds awful, I gradually started to feel more human emotionally. I stopped crying and hiding when people rang, managed to leave the house and have very recently started to socialise again in small groups. By week 7 I felt much much better and now at 31/2 months am functioning well.

    Don't struggle on at work, you need time to get better, I have been off since November on doctor's advice and I'm sure it has helped me to get better faster. I have also been completely open with work and have been careful about the words I use i.e I don't say \"I am depressed\" I say \"I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and am on medication for it\". People don't understand at all - read some of Garch's posts, he can give the technical difficulties the brain and body have and knowledge is power when it comes to justifying yourself - though why we should have to who knows..... :roll:

    You are not alone, the tablets will help given time, stick with them. Really hope you feel better soon PG x

    P.S Try the tablets in the early evening plus you can take paracetamol for the headaches but not Ibuprofen/nurofen stuff. Also don't drink alcohol, it's like poison when you are depressed.

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  • Posted

    Totally understand you both.

    Ive been in total denial about being depressed struggled on and off with it for years, finally gave in and did something about it this time round for the sanity of my boyfriend if nothing else. Doc put me on 20mg about 2 and half months ago. Was working well after a month but had a rough patch for the last two weeks, was thinking about going back to up the dose but started feeling ok again yesterday.

    I still am having difficulty with calling it an illness, I feel guilty, its my fault! You know? I just want someone to tell me its ok to call it an illness.. Anyway, I have started being more open about it with everyone. Work, friends, family (even parents) and it makes you feel better, even if they dont totally understand, at least some will. Started therapy too, only been to one session so far and didnt enjoy it, but will go again and hopefully will do some good.

    My doc suggested time off work but I knew if I did take time off I would feel 100% worse and I know I did the right thing by keeping on making myself go into work and keep some kind of normality. I have had to call in sick a few days but they were some really bad days and I think a few days is ok. Everyone is different so do what you think you need to do. If like me you (Rachey) think not working will be worse for you then keep going in, but just try to not work yourself too hard. Tell your boss if you can and they will hopefully realise that you are trying to do something about it and be glad to know.

    Hope you start to feel better soon.

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  • Posted

    Thank you both of you for your comments, it is good to feel that I am not alone. I am going to see about changing the time I take my tablet on Friday, that way I figure I have the weekend to get used the different times.

    At the moment I don't think being at home all day will help, but I have the support of my 2 colleagues who I am with all day and also both of my bosses who are co located and know that I only have to phone in if I am having a bad day. I'm not ready to tell many other people yet, but know that I will need to say something soon as we have a good social work group and it will be commented on if I am constantly missing or there but not having a drink, I have a few excuses lined up so am alright for a while. I think I am scared of other peoples reaction and that they may treat me differently, which is something I don't want to happen.

    I will certainly come on here often for support and offer any back.

    Thank you again for your comments smile

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  • Posted

    I admire both of you for working with it, I just couldn't do it. I think this was mainly because I couldn't make any decisions or remember anything people told me which was very strange. As a manager, I was responsible for a department and staff too and felt this was too much for me when I seemed to be swimming through treacle.

    I remember trying to cook the dinner during the first week for my family (I have young children) and it took 3 hours, bizarre! I kept walking up and down, going to the cooker instead of the fridge, putting washing up in the freezer and god knows what else, luckily husband took charge and has been very supportive.

    Hope you both continue 2 improve, hope I do to :wink:

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  • Posted

    Hi all

    I'm into my fifth week of 20 mg flu and I think it's beginning to work. I don't seem able to feel anxious or sad which is a huge relief after years of feeling generally low every day - I notice that I piping up more at work whre previously I was reluctant to speak - convinced people didn't like me.

    I struggle because on the face of it I am an attractive 54 year old, with a loving partner, a decent is not stimulating job that isn't badly paid. I run, swim, try to write.

    I've never made friends easily and my closest friends live outside of the UK - so think loneliness could be playing a part in all this - plus my mother lives alone in Spain at 89 and I worry about her.

    Reason for getting on line is that on Sunday night I developed a rash - went to the docs on Monday for anti-hystamines. Has anybody else had this problem?

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  • Posted

    I am on my 4th week of flu and i have been working too since taking them. sometimes it helps having something to make you get out of bed. Dont get me wrong its hard at work to concentrate and the whole time im there im counting down the hours to go home and hide again. Im so lonely too but i just have lost all my confidence in speaking to people and i feel embarrassed about talking about it to the little friends i have as they just dont understand. the onlt person that did understand me i thought and someone i could talk to broke up just before i started on the flu again. I would like to make new friends and win her back but she says its too late. Right now i feel lost and very lonely. I also need to find a place to live and im just too scared to live by myself just now. for months when i was ill i wanted to be on my own and now i just want to be close to someone. thank you everyone for your experiances it really gives me strength to read them x
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