Death and taxes

I can't stop thinking about what a failure I am...what a hapless disoriented person I am. I think about going into a relationship and if I will hurt the other person in some way unknowingly. I know I am responsible for all my actions but sometimes I have flashes, or my body doesn't respond well to high stress and then anger and panic will follow, I try to prevent this with eating regularly and trying to sleep 8 hours and exercising but it doesn't always work..sometimes sheer exhaustion takes over entirely and I have nothing left to give anyone or anything. I spent most of my formative years below 90lbs, on and off a feeding tube and with my face down in a toilet repressing all my emotions.... up until I was 21 and out of college... I can't afford a 100$ a day therapist, and because I am currently only working part time and live with my parents, I don't think ever think about anything but what a useless individual I have turned into, and then guilt and shame ensues. I actively try to fight these things off because I guess I create my own issues, and I am my worst enemy. And then culture simultaneously reinforces this ideal of work/life balance and how I must adapt to having this positivist mindset when I talk to other people in the workplace and I just want to throw all expectations out the window. I feel as if All i have been through and all I will go through....will be for nothing, that all of this is meaningless and no one cares.....that every connection is just a passing one, each person I've opened up to, each with their own agenda have disposed of me because I was just not beneficial for them. Or maybe everything is fleeting, all flying by me and I just watch it, observing it, or.....I have an extreme reaction to it? Does this also make me bipolar? IS it just the ol boot strap argument of picking yourself up that must be applied, because that seems way too black and white for me to accept. I believe that I should be dead. 

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