Death Anxiety stemming from Diabetes!!

Hey everyone. I'm 24 years old, and I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 18 months old. I was the youngest person diagnosed in my state until I was 12 or so. Growing up my parents always did everything they could to keep my bloodsugars in check, and when I was more independent as a teen, I hit a little bit of a rough patch with A1C's in the 8's. Since the age of 18, I can't recall having an A1C above 7. In fact, my last few have been in the low 6's and even high 5's. A1C is an average of your blood glucose, and high 5's is someone who's considered pre Diabetic. So if you looked at my A1C reading, you wouldn't even know I had diabetes.

With that being said, I like to think I take pretty good care of my diabetes. But I have one constant fear that I cannot shake: the fear of dying. More specifically, that diabetes is going to kill me at a young age. I've dealt with anxiety disorder since age 13, and about a year ago I started medication to help. It has certainly helped, but I still worry constantly- I'm talking probably once or twice every hour I'm awake every day- that diabetes is going to kill me young.

This has lead to poor health choices. I drink anywhere from 2 to 4 beers nightly just to try to take my mind off it. I used to be a pretty casual drinker, and since I upped my drinking I've gained about 15 lbs. At age 19 I started smoking, which I found sadly helped calm me down and take me out of a panic attack. I smoked cigarettes for about a year, and I've been using an ecigarrette since age 21.

I constantly worry about my kidneys failing, going blind, losing limbs, heart attacks, you name it, I worry about it. All my life I've heard the horror stories- "My grandpa lost his legs from diabetes and he died shortly after", "My uncle's kidneys failed and he died from diabetes", all of that really takes a toll. I think I worry about it more also now because I have a beautiful wife and an amazing 17 month old son who is my entire world- I'm always worrying I won't be around to see him grow up. In fact, I'm often grateful we had our son in our early 20s because I often think I won't make it to 40 and he will be an adult by then.

Has anyone else had this constant fear of death? What did you do to help your fears? Constantly thinking about death and complications is getting old and it's pretty depressing. Looking for any advice or support I can get. Thank you in advance

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