Death & My Wish

I grew up in a dysfunctional family from the beginning, nasty divorce and both parents never really around. Anyway ya. I cant remember the last time anyone has ever said "I love you."

I have had very very few friends in my life time. Those who were are now dead.

In my early 20's I became a mortician. A mortician who dealt with death at a large scale. 25-30,000 deaths a year. 8 years later I was in charge of the whole crematory operation. I saw everything, murders, babies, children, teens, adults, terrorist attack and the covid pandemic.

It was an emotional rollercoaster. Saw things beyond comprehension. Total emotional rollercoaster. This whole time too ive been alone, with nobody to understand me, hell as I write this right now, alcohol in my system and tear drops on the screen of my phone.

As I write this today marks the 5th anniversary of a child the age of my niece who was brutally raped and murdered in a horrendous way that scars me for life I wont even describe what I saw. I havent had a decent night of sleep in 10 years, and I am 30 years old.

Im totally lost in life. Broken. I have put a gun to my head 4 times in the last 2 years with the chamber loaded and trigger pulled half ways, but too scared to actually fully pull. Each time more intoxicated then the other in the hopes id have the balls to do it this time. I think the only reason I have not been able to is because i have 2 nieces who love me and I cant be selfish enough to do that to them more because how it will negatively effect their lives and how I do not want to be the person to bring that type of hardship to them or be the one to ruin that innocence they have in their lives. If they didnt exist I would have pulled that trigger.

S**t I dont even know how I ended up on this site or cared to write this. But for now I just live my day the same everyday.

Step 1: Alarm goes off to get ready for work.

Step 2: Make it through several snooze alarms working the motivation to swing my legs over off the bed every morning to wake up.

Step 3: Brush my teeth and put on deodorant to do the bare minimum so people wont suspect me having problems.

Step 4: Clock in to work and make it through the day

Step 5: Lay down in darkness and try to sleep, get woke up by several nightmares and keep trying to go back to sleep to repeat the next day over.

Thats my life, I feel imprisoned and have no passions. If hell were real, I feel like ive already been sent there. Im just exhausted, tired, and im here because someone has not done me a favor end ended my existence for me no matter how much I tried. So tomorrow I face the same fate. Listen for the noise of an alarm I set and open my eyes and face the same torture again. To swing my legs over the ledge of the bed and let those minutes and hours pass again, and hope I can lay down shut my eyes and hope I do not wake again.

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