Posted , 4 users are following.
I always had moderate acne, sometimes it was pretty bad... 5 years ago I went to new dermatologist, she prescribe me some antibiotics. I had them before, they never really help long-term although she conviced me that this time will be different. HOW FOOLISH I WAS THEN. I really wasn't sure about that and almost I didn't accept that idea. But I just wanted to eliminate my acne. I was 21 then, and nothing in diet/topical helped.
So, after 3 months I had pain in my stomach. I stopped taking antibiotics, it was end of course anyway. And thing is that I live with pain last 5 years... I had problem with gastric acid, sometimes diarrhea. I am tired all the time, but especially in the morning.I had two endoscopies but it didn't really show anything. Recently I had ultrasonographies and one time they discovered stones in my gallbladder but in next two there weren't any. And that's the thing - for last 5 years every time I wake up with one thought - that "it's my fault, and I destroy my health". I wake up with that thought, I live day with it, and it's my last thought when I'm going to sleep. It's almost all I think about. This regreting is destroying me. I think only about that, and about past. How good it was, and how good it could be if I was a little bit smarter. Yea, I know that I can't turn back time but my mind is thinking only about that... When I was still on university I used help of psychologist(no anti-depresants, just therapy), and it helped me a little bit, but it didn't solve the problem. My parents really want's to help me, they support me(I finished uni but can't hold a job) and I am so bad to them. I'm still complaining, when they have their own problems(finiancal problems, to be honest my mother had to go to other country to earn some money and she was only person I could be really honest with. My dad is awesome guy but I never talking with him about emotions etc.)
I know that this post is kinda chaotic. Also I'm really sorry for my bad english, it's not my first language. I never was a depressed person. I was so happy back before those antibiotics. I mean I spend all the time feeling sorry for myself and reading abot antibiotics for acne and it's just crazy. Derms are prescribing those antibiotics FOR YEARS destroing young people bodies. I see many of my past collegues with careers and families... I was so happy back 5 years ago I was almost always best in class I knew that my future gonna be bright. But I made such big mistake. I feel like *****, I feel like most stupid person that ever lived. Like I said I was happy before, but I feel like my personality because of that 5 years of pain changed. Not only my body is destroyed but mind. I can't focus. I can't solved problems like I used to. I pray every night before sleep to not wake up. I could have so good life, I could be so happy. But I destroyed that because of my moderate acne. I mean I'm 27 an still have moderate acne so that's a rare case but I don't care about it anymore. Why I just couldn't not care about it back then? Why I had to destroy my life? I want so bad my life back, but I know it's impossible so I want it to end. Thing is I am coward. So I am not gonna try suicide, that's I am 99% sure. But I will be miserable for the rest of my life. And I could be happy if I just was a little bit smarter. Why, why I was so stupid? Why I trusted my derm so much? My intuition back then said to me not to take them.
To be honest I am crying when I am writing this post. I am crying almost everyday, because how many emotions it contains. I remember the good days. Girlfriends, friends, hobbies, going to the gym, learning new stuff. I feel like it's all lost, because of physical pain and lack of focus, motivation and fatigue. I am so lost and alone
0 likes, 4 replies