Deep regret

Posted , 4 users are following.

I always had moderate acne, sometimes it was pretty bad... 5 years ago I went to new dermatologist, she prescribe me some antibiotics. I had them before, they never really help long-term although she conviced me that this time will be different. HOW FOOLISH I WAS THEN. I really wasn't sure about that and almost I didn't accept that idea. But I just wanted to eliminate my acne. I was 21 then, and nothing in diet/topical helped.

So, after 3 months I had pain in my stomach. I stopped taking antibiotics, it was end of course anyway. And thing is that I live with pain last 5 years... I had problem with gastric acid, sometimes diarrhea. I am tired all the time, but especially in the morning.I had two endoscopies but it didn't really show anything. Recently I had ultrasonographies and one time they discovered stones in my gallbladder but in next two there weren't any.  And that's the thing - for last 5 years every time I wake up with one thought - that "it's my fault, and I destroy my health". I wake up with that thought, I live day with it, and it's my last thought when I'm going to sleep. It's almost all I think about. This regreting is destroying me. I think only about that, and about past. How good it was, and how good it could be if I was a little bit smarter. Yea, I know that I can't turn back time but my mind is thinking only about that... When I was still on university I used help of psychologist(no anti-depresants, just therapy), and it helped me a little bit, but it didn't solve the problem. My parents really want's to help me, they support me(I finished uni but can't hold a job) and I am so bad to them. I'm still complaining, when they have their own problems(finiancal problems, to be honest my mother had to go to other country to earn some money and she was only person I could be really honest with. My dad is awesome guy but I never talking with him about emotions etc.)

I know that this post is kinda chaotic. Also I'm really sorry for my bad english, it's not my first language. I never was a depressed person. I was so happy back before those  antibiotics. I mean I spend all the time feeling sorry for myself and reading abot antibiotics for acne and it's just crazy. Derms are prescribing those antibiotics FOR YEARS destroing young people bodies. I see many of my past collegues with careers and families... I was so happy back 5 years ago I was almost always best in class I knew that my future gonna be bright. But I made such big mistake. I feel like *****,  I feel like most stupid person that ever lived. Like I said I was happy before, but I feel like my personality because of that 5 years of pain changed. Not only my body is destroyed but mind. I can't focus. I can't solved problems like I used to. I pray every night before sleep to not wake up. I could have so good life, I could be so happy. But I destroyed that because of my moderate acne. I mean I'm 27 an still have moderate acne so that's a rare case but I don't care about it anymore. Why I just couldn't not care about it back then? Why I had to destroy my life? I want so bad my life back, but I know it's impossible so I want it to end. Thing is I am coward. So I am not gonna try suicide, that's I am 99% sure. But I will be miserable for the rest of my life. And I could be happy if I just was a little bit smarter. Why, why I was so stupid? Why I trusted my derm so much? My intuition back then said to me not to take them. 

To be honest I am crying when I am writing this post. I am crying almost everyday, because how many emotions it contains. I remember the good days. Girlfriends, friends, hobbies, going to the gym, learning new stuff. I feel like it's all lost, because of physical pain and lack of focus, motivation and fatigue. I am so lost and alone

 

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Umas,

    Are you sure it is the antibiotics that have caused all these problems, they sound mostly psychcological. I am assuming that they were tetracyclines, in any event it is not a good idea to take them indefinitely so you have to look to other 'cures'. Stress, anxiety and depression will ALL make acne worse. In turn acne robs you of your self confidence and that is where you are right now at an all time low. So, the only way is up. There has to be support groups out there, there are certainly plenty of alternative remedies for acne but worrying about it will make it worse, so here's my tip. Running/walking is free, fresh air drinking plenty of water and some relaxation exercises. You've got to start somewhere. And by the way given that English is not your first language you should congratulate yourself on how good you are at it. If you can learn another language you can rebuild your life successfully.

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  • Posted

    Hi Umas, 

    I'm so sorry about how tough things have been for you. It really sounds like you've been dealing with some difficult times, and I understand why you'd be feeling low. Please don't blame yourself for your health issues. You were prescribed a drug which you were told would help your skin, and so it's so understandable that you'd trust a professional's advice and take the drug. It's horrendous that you've had so many issues as a result of this. Have you considered going back to that same dermatologist, or to a different doctor, and explaining the complications you've experienced as a result of this treatment? It could be worth a try. 

    In terms of improving your mood, do you have anyone close to you who you enjoy spending time with, who would be understanding about what you're going through? If so, then reach out to them and get some support. Also, try seeing your GP and explaining how you feel, and they may be able to offer some help via therapy or support groups. 

    I really hope things improve for you soon, take care 

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    • Posted

      I came back to my derm at the beginning of all this, but after that I was going only to my GP and GI specialists. None of them really helped. I changed my GP after 3 years and new GP healed my reflex and burning pain in stomach issue. Still pain persisted just not burning, and lot of gas that feel like my stomach is a balloon. Right now I am seeing doctor who tries more natural aproach.

      I don't have any friends left. My family has enough of me because I only think and talk about pain and illness. I don't expect here anyone to help me with those issues, just with blame. Almost every day I watch families pictures. I was so vibrant and happy. And I lost all this. Not because random  illness truck me, or some drunk driver. Just because of my stupidity. I mean I had pretty bad acne, but I could live with it. And now I feel like all is lost. There's so much regret in my hearth and mind

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