Depressed

Posted , 6 users are following.

I am 4 weeks post-op now and went back to work 2 days ago.  It is not going well.  I've mentioned this somewhere else in the forums, but nothing has changed... I had this idea pre-surgery that I'd feel better after I got "back to normal" or "into my routine".  Had my post-op evaluation on Wednesday, which went fine.  Somehow, during my recovery leave time following the surgery, I did a better job of taking care of myself than usual, especially the 4th week, and really took the time to eat properly, get plenty of rest, etc.  Now that I'm back to my life, so to speak, I feel awful.  It doesn't help that I found out yesterday at work that my gyn's office screwed up my medical leave paperwork, telling my employer that I was cleared for only one week of leave while my gyn told me at the pre-surgery consultation that I was cleared for 4 weeks, which I took and needed.  So now I have to straighten that out.  It never ends.  When I found that out yesterday, I just put my head in my hands and started to cry at my desk.  On the way home from work, I was sitting on the bus and thought, nothing is any better, I feel just as sad as I did before the surgery.  Came home to the evening routine I'd hoped to change, too, that involves going to a nearby grocery store, buying a "meal" of more than a meal should be, and eating it all at home, then doing nothing.  Binge eating just makes me fatter.  Even my 13-year-old nephew, who is into healthy eating, told me the other night that I eat too much sugar.  He's way too young to understand, of course, he just wants me to be well.  My life doesn't feel like a life, yet I have many good people in my life and things I wish I could do.  My gyn did not talk with me on Wednesday about the peri or anything, she was in a hurry and it was a brief consultation.  My family has had a lot of serious problems going on for over a year now.  I have a colonoscopy scheduled next month because of my Crohn's.  There has to be a way to feel better and be able to function and deal with everything.  Every time I think I can do what I need to do to get help, I get sad again and end up in bed just lying around.  My job is in a highly intense, competitive environment, and I feel that it's making everything worse and wish I could find something in a smaller organization with less craziness, but the benefits are great and I've been there almost 13 years because I need the good insurance coverage and leave time.  That's what keeps me there.  So there is the heavy feeling daily of wanting to do something new layered over the peri, the family troubles, the post-surgery letdown, the Crohn's, etc.  My gyn is a nice doctor and I really like her and feel at ease with her, but her office staff, other than the nurses, are not helpful.  It took literally 4 weeks pre-op to get them to turn in my leave form, and now I find out that it's incorrect.  I faxed a letter to the doctor about it because the woman who handles the forms won't return my calls.  I don't know what to do.  Functioning on a basic level is getting a lot harder, even though somewhere in my mind I can picture doing things I want to do.  I just want to be me again.  I feel stuck, as though this will go on for years and the best years of life are over, but I don't want that to be true.

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  • Posted

    I understand where you are coming from. Everytime I start to feel better, I have an anxiety moment and it puts me back to square one. There is so many things I want to do and change but I'm honestly scared. I feel like something else will happen and push the restart button. I'm having a hard time finding a job, I quit the last one because the anxiety was too bad at the time. Bills are due and I have no income coming in, I'm the only one in my home that drives so there is more pressure on me because I'm meeting the demands of everyone's schedule, on top of worrying what I will feel like from day to day and health anxieties. Being able to come here and get it off your chest helps. Have you dealt with depression before peri?
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  • Posted

    Elizabeth, Im so sorry you are going through so much. With all that you mention, it's no surprise that you feel the way you do. All the pressures can build up and magnify the peri symptoms. I truly understand how you feel. I have so many problems at home, work and the constant financial problems just make it all beyond unbearable at times. You need to go down to your doctors office in person to handle the paperwork issue. I worked at a doctor's office for 14years and believe me, when a patient shows up in person, we could not ignore them like on the phone. Just try to be polite and professional when speaking to them (even though you may not want to, it sometimes makes them more willing to correct the problem, and I can't blame you for that) Hang in there sweetie, it will eventually get better, it really will. Hugs to you.
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  • Posted

    Sorry you are going thru all of this. I would try to change the things I can like the paperwork, changing the meal routine , things that maybe seem like small changes but will help you to feel better and like you are making some changes . Understand about the job situation I've been there myself. Perhaps just looking for another job will help it doesn't mean you have to change jobs but you never know you might find something out there better with the same benefits ... Sometimes it helps just to look and go thru the motions and it's good practice anyway. As far as the sugar, have you been tested for diabetes? You probably have but just a suggestion ... I was recently diagnosed with diabetes it's really just right over the threshold but my doc put me I metformin and it has made a world of difference I have energy back and I don't bottom out like I used to do.,,good luck with everything and try to take it one day at a time and change the things you can. Keep posting too it helps all of us
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  • Posted

    No Elizabeth, you have to know and believe that this is just a period that you have to pass through and that best lies before you. Don't give up! We are here for you. You are in my prayers.
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  • Posted

    I feel for you so much. What amazes me is the amazing women in here that have truly kept me sane the last couple years.

    I've been going through peri nine years started at 40. I'm currently six months with no period and when I thought the symptoms couldn't get any worse they did.

    The depression anxiety stomach issues insomnia and the list just goes on.

    My husband and kids don't understand. They think I'm a hypochondriac. I always seem to be sick all the time.

    I just want to say that you are truly in good hands here with these wonderful ladies.

    I'm praying for you and sending hugs.

    Stay strong this too shall pass x

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  • Posted

    Elizabeth

    That's a lot of things you're having to deal with at the same time. Please give yourself some credit for getting back into the swing of things even though it may not be even close to the life you imagined pre-op. You're showing up for your life and that takes a lot of courage.

    CC

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  • Posted

    Ladies, thank you all for your kind words.  You've given me a lot of helpful things to consider.  This is such a rough time.  I just want to know there will be better days ahead.  

    Jamie, I've always had anxiety and some low times when I've felt depressed.  I've never had it diagnosed but have wondered over the years if I might have depression.  I know too well that "back to square one" feeling you describe because I am often scared.

    Snowbell, thanks for the advice about the paperwork.  I agree with you 100% about politeness and am always careful to be courteous.  In fact, I just mailed a card to my gyn doc the other day to thank her for such good care with the surgery and all the testing and exams, and also sent one to the GP who made the referral.  I like her and want that to be a good relationship.  Your experience is super helpful!

    Kathleen, I like what you said about making small changes - makes me think of the Serenity Prayer.  I've been having problems with hypoglycemia and plan to look into it further.  Definitely looking for for a new job!

    Sharcerv, thanks for reminding me that there can be good days ahead.  It's hard to think of this as a phase as it has taken hold so aggressively, but it is just that, and one day it will be over.

    Michelle, I appreciate your prayers!

    CC, that is the part I'm struggling with the most, giving myself credit for showing up and handling so much at once.  In 2013, I was in a bad car accident and it's been downhill from there... PTSD, then my sister's very rough divorce from a sociopath husband and most of my immediate family going to counseling due to that, aging parents, close relatives with serious health problems, the high-pressure work environment... and then the peri and surgery.  People keep telling me I've been through a lot, to be kind to myself... they're right.  I keep putting up a front, acting like things are okay - they're not.  Thanks for reminding me to give myself some credit.

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    • Posted

      Yeah I put up a front too like everything is ok when it's not. I'm doing less of it since I've been doing recovery work.

      One thing I say to myself when things get too much is to repeat, "Life is happening". It takes the edge off and puts things into somewhat of a manageable perspective.

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