Depressed

I am 4 weeks post-op now and went back to work 2 days ago.  It is not going well.  I've mentioned this somewhere else in the forums, but nothing has changed... I had this idea pre-surgery that I'd feel better after I got "back to normal" or "into my routine".  Had my post-op evaluation on Wednesday, which went fine.  Somehow, during my recovery leave time following the surgery, I did a better job of taking care of myself than usual, especially the 4th week, and really took the time to eat properly, get plenty of rest, etc.  Now that I'm back to my life, so to speak, I feel awful.  It doesn't help that I found out yesterday at work that my gyn's office screwed up my medical leave paperwork, telling my employer that I was cleared for only one week of leave while my gyn told me at the pre-surgery consultation that I was cleared for 4 weeks, which I took and needed.  So now I have to straighten that out.  It never ends.  When I found that out yesterday, I just put my head in my hands and started to cry at my desk.  On the way home from work, I was sitting on the bus and thought, nothing is any better, I feel just as sad as I did before the surgery.  Came home to the evening routine I'd hoped to change, too, that involves going to a nearby grocery store, buying a "meal" of more than a meal should be, and eating it all at home, then doing nothing.  Binge eating just makes me fatter.  Even my 13-year-old nephew, who is into healthy eating, told me the other night that I eat too much sugar.  He's way too young to understand, of course, he just wants me to be well.  My life doesn't feel like a life, yet I have many good people in my life and things I wish I could do.  My gyn did not talk with me on Wednesday about the peri or anything, she was in a hurry and it was a brief consultation.  My family has had a lot of serious problems going on for over a year now.  I have a colonoscopy scheduled next month because of my Crohn's.  There has to be a way to feel better and be able to function and deal with everything.  Every time I think I can do what I need to do to get help, I get sad again and end up in bed just lying around.  My job is in a highly intense, competitive environment, and I feel that it's making everything worse and wish I could find something in a smaller organization with less craziness, but the benefits are great and I've been there almost 13 years because I need the good insurance coverage and leave time.  That's what keeps me there.  So there is the heavy feeling daily of wanting to do something new layered over the peri, the family troubles, the post-surgery letdown, the Crohn's, etc.  My gyn is a nice doctor and I really like her and feel at ease with her, but her office staff, other than the nurses, are not helpful.  It took literally 4 weeks pre-op to get them to turn in my leave form, and now I find out that it's incorrect.  I faxed a letter to the doctor about it because the woman who handles the forms won't return my calls.  I don't know what to do.  Functioning on a basic level is getting a lot harder, even though somewhere in my mind I can picture doing things I want to do.  I just want to be me again.  I feel stuck, as though this will go on for years and the best years of life are over, but I don't want that to be true.

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