Depressed after leaving mum in a care home!
Posted , 3 users are following.
10 weeks ago my mum fell in the street and broke her hip. Till this point she was totally independent and at 87 very Spritely. She was admitted to hospital and operated on the next morning, that's when all our lives changed.
My mum came though the operation very well but when I visited her that evening she was very disorientated and confused. This was put down to the surgery and the effects of the anesthetic. I wasn't unduly worried until the following day when she was out of bed and sitting in a chair, her hair was standing on end, she had no dentures in, her nightie (hospital issue) was hanging so low at the front that one Breast was visible and she was rambling incoherently. I went to find the doctor who asked if this was my mums normal baseline.....No! She then tells me she has to consult with "her team" and will get back to me. To cut a very long story short four weeks later mum has been diagnosed with Post Operative Delirium and we will have to wait for her to come out of it!
I wished the story ended there but it doesn't. Mum was discharged from hospital onto a step down bed in a care home (no rehad as she was mobilising very well). The care home didn't have a very good reputation but we were assured it was temporary until mum could go home with a package of care. The home smelt so bad a mixture of eye watering urine or eye watering bleach. Every time I left her there I cried buckets and counted down the days till she could go home the only problem was she wasn't improving, we would get updates from the staff that she had become incontinent, would take all her clothes off and generally act inappropriately. I raised my concerns with the Social Worker the day before she was discharged, about how she would cope at home and he just said if we don't try it we won't know.....I was a bag of nerves.
My mum came home with four day time carers, the first night she was found wandering the streets and brought home by the police, my sister slept on her bedroom floor that night. The next six nights my sister and I funded the night carers, we soon realised that this situation wasn't going to work as she had started to wander though the day driving the neighbours mad. We pleaded with Social Services to fund the next three nights (overnight) till the Monday so we could get our heads together to work out our next move, this was refused so a week to the day my mum was returned to the urine/bleach smelling care home.
It transpires after reading the carers notes that my mum had been giving a overdose of warfarin on her last night at home so maybe she was in the right place! Famous last words. On Sunday morning I woke up to nine missed calls from the care home to say my mum had, had a fall and was in hospital, she had broken her other hip in two places. When we got to the hospital they had already got her into the ward and also coincided with the consultants ward round. We were told her operation was to take place the next day and this was to be done with a spinal anesthetic as not to make her delirium worse. It didn't work she came back to the ward even worse and the trauma of the op was more than she could stand. The Doc now wants to give her the dementia label.
I don't think I mentioned that her first time in hospital they lost her dentures and she weighed in at 44kg she is now at 33kg and not eating but the hospital are determined to be rid of her. The first Social Worker she had has now been taken off her case because of his poor judgement in sending her home (it transpires he wasn't even a Social worker he was a support worker) so she has a real one now YIPEE! We found her a lovely nursing home, no smells at all.
All of the above happened over a ten week period and six moves to different places, my mum has gone from being able bodied, independent to full blown delirium/dementia and I don't now know how to cope! One doctor who's a work colleague told me to look on it as though I have a New Mum, what a load of BS I don't want a new mum I want back the old one. Every time I leave her in that care home it breaks my heart as I have convinced myself she understands what's going on but can't communicate that to me.
Thanks for listening to me vent!
1 like, 3 replies
vickylou lynn89247
Posted
You have my every sympathy and I feel so sorry for you as I went through exactly the same thing with my mum.
my mum was 90, registered blind and deaf, but she was as sharp as a button, up to date with everything. She lived in a warden assisted flat, butt was very independant. She cooked, cleaned, was organised and very out going. She had a great social life.
social services provided her with a cleaner for one hour a week! This was then reduced to an hour a fortnight, they may as well not have bothered. She preferred to pay a cleaner, rather than me doing it, as she wanted to be independent.
Id been to see her one Saturday morning, took her shopping, had lunch out and I left her quite happy in the afternoon.
my husband and I were getting ready to go out that same night, then mum phoned. She wasn't making any sense, didn't remember I'd been to see her. To cut a long story short, she'd had a fall and couldn't get up. She crawled to her phone and called me. We went straight to her, saw her on the floor, but she couldn't get to the door. Broke the door down, didn't think she'd broken anything and took her to A&E. five hours later she was transferred to a ward. I was concerned about her insulin as she was diabetic, andnasked a nurse if she'd had it whilst I left her for 10 minutes. They didn't know she was diabetic, they lost her repeat prescription in A&E.
I eventually went home for a couple of hours, came back to find, like you, her sitting in someone's nightie, no teeth and trying to reach some food which was stone cold. I played hell with the staff chatting away at the nurses station, how did they think a blind person could reach and eat a meal. They put a drink in a disabled beaker, she'd have died rather than use one of those the day before.
i then noticed that she'd had a catheter fitted, apparently she couldn't wee on her own, err she could the day before! She stayed there for 6 weeks, still with the catheter which would have to remain as she lost the use of her muscles. She did come home with a care package from S.services. I had to plead for a morning and night call to empty her catheter bag, they couldn't understand why she couldn't do it! err cos she's blind.
She started to decline very quickly and was petrified she would have to go in a care home and wanted to die at home. In the end I moved in with her as carers wouldn't turn up, money went missing, sometimes they'd be so late her bag would overflow and wet the sheets, but they didn't change them. It was a total nightmare to see this old, but independent, proud person living like this, and like you I cried and cried and decided to move in with her.
i was lucky, I didn't work, I'd got two kids 18 and 20 at home who could look after themselves and a very understanding husband. So for three months I lived with her, and basically did everything for her. We did pay to have a night sitter so I could get some rest, 11pm to 7am.
Sorry to say she died peacefully holding my hand, in her own bed, and in her own home. That was four years ago. So I do understand how you feel, helpless and having to fight to get some dignity for a loved one.
if I can help in anyway by listening or advice, either post here or PM me.
hope4cure vickylou
Posted
Many blessing sent ur way!
hope4cure lynn89247
Posted
My heart goes out to you. As much as we love and protect our mothers we can never predict the ineffencies of medical health care for the elderly. It's not your fault. It's a big problem in the US . UNSPEAKABLE care.
I am so sorry, it's so hard to watch our parents going thru all the horrible things that we could never imagine in our worst dreams.
Keep posting its ok to vent here.
Many blessings and Prayers sent your way.