Depressed and Frightened for Years

Alright this gonna sound ridiculous I'm sure. When I was a kid (21 now), I was very friendly, super nice, and very conceited around the people i hung with in school. However I thought this because I had a group of people from church that were all 4+ years older than me. I felt like I was unstoppable and super cool bc I could chill with them and for Years I would bug and annoy them, I mean think about it, having a little kid following you around thinking they know everything, thats incredibly frustrating and tedious. Anyway where I was so conceited it broke me away from reality. I feel like when people talk to me that all of their emotions and feelings that they're trying to express to me, I can't hear them. I can hear their words and give my best advice but a lot of the time my words don t make sense, which I feel like stems from crippling social anxiety that followed when I realized I didn't fit in. Anywhere. .. So when I say crippling, literally I don't go anywhere or do anything. I moved away from all of my friends and immediate family and when I got to where I was going (around 17 yrs old) I sat in my room for like a full year... Very secluded, and I still have my anxiety now that I've taken everyone's advice and left the house again. However I can't go anywhere without feeling like people can hear my intrusive thoughts and unbelievably creepy/brutally mean thoughts. Its gotten to the point, where I have to grip my hand, which makes me feel like I'm forming a fist, then someone will see me (whether they say they do or not, I attract a lot of attention to myself which is unwarranted..) yet whenever I notice they see/feel me ill either just play it stupid and act like I didn't do or notice anything at all or ill get really frustrated and won't know what to do besides get enraged. Both of these results are horrible because ill immediately feel like I was broken away from reality. Ill be so lost in my mind that I forget what it feels like to have normal thoughts and ill be paranoid to the point of sweat and at worst tears because I have no idea what to feel.

Even better (sarvasm ), I've tried to help other people and then once they explain ill try to give advice and my mind will lead to so many different choices and paths that I get angry. Ill either just give up, and almost literally walk away bc its best for both of us if I'm not around.. Or when they try to explain ill feel so apathetic because I can 't feel empathetic anymore towards them. Sometimes I look at someone in a conversation and all I can feel is, I don't even know who this person truly is anymore. Its not their fault, like I cant grasp the idea that I could ever be normal, so ill look at them and see like.. Disgust....... That sounds terrible but its honestly how I feel and i know they can feel it too. Its mortifying, like Im an open book, and i cant do anything right, so I'm frustrated and getting more angry by the second that its like everything around me becomes almost, irrelevant. I'm a party pooper to put it lightly, and (as an example) if you laughed at that statement, id say why bc its not funny. Keep in mind, not that its depressing to hear why its not funny, but literally because I used the cliche and unoriginal term party pooper. Its not clever, its not smart in anyway, its literally just terrible and the fact that I said that makes me judge myself in a way that is absolutely putrid. Like the lowest of the low because I can't even speak/talk/act correctly.

Moving on.. I've been dealing with this for about 6 years and its only gotten worse. I say 6 years because that's when I first started my depression meds. I've tried multiple different ones, and a few anxiety medications.

Oddly enough though, through all this bs I'm in the National Guard. I made it somewhere, somehow and i still feel the way that I do. I feel like ill never be right again.

Everyone else knows it , but I can't grasp the concept and I feel like a damned ape.

If someone can help, great, that'd be phenomenal. But unfortunately I feel like I'm gonna end up institutionalized and zombied just because I can't stand this feeling for the rest of my life. Crazy, huh ?

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