depressed aniexty ocd ptsd and attachment disorder

Posted , 2 users are following.

at this moment i can honest say i wish i was dead and no longer care about any thing 

i feel lost angry and i have no one 

no firend and i dont want my family to know whats going on 

i dont want pitty i just wanted to have a nice life child hood and right footing for adult hood

but no didnt happen and sh*t child hood home and at school and suffered every since trapped in side mt=y own head 

y do ppl have children if you really arent right to and distroy life and ppl stand by

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Omg i feel the same way. I ask myself my did my parnets have me if they know they life was messed up in the first place and wouldnt be able to take care of a child. Because they were selfish and did not take the time to think about all the pain they could politically put that child through. And on top of that they went and had another child who they werent prepared for and ruin his life as well. Smh i know for sure i dont want any kids knowing the things i go through. I wouldnt want my child to suffer because i'm suffering
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    • Posted

      it was all down to my mum she is a alcoholic and neglected me and mentally abused us and physical punishment. i feel angry at my family as knew stuff as told them but branded lairs. 

      and as got old saw for them selfs and still stood by

      i am at the same cross road i am 31 and reached a point where ppl ask when am i having children i feel that my other is still with in me and the behavour example set and she could be unleached i dont ever want to be like her but behavour is learnt.

      i had a man i called dad but my not biological and he knew what she was like as my brother was the only son this is a quote from him" id pay a king randoms for him" my aunts reply is she the spare part. tried to contact the man who supposed to be biological my father not intereted. my mother has 3 children and 2 boy my half brother and me its amazess me how well she treats them. there 17 yr diff between me and youngest and she drinks more now but declared fit my social service and she blames me for every thing wrong in her life from being in her womb to this date he tells my nan all the time.

      i dont feel any bond connection with ppl and dont trust them i was raped at 15 and didnt report.my mother wouldnt of cared and i way allowed to run ferral as she didnt want her in house due to her latest bf.

      my brother has alcohol and substance abuse and my family quoted expected me to be the alco and junkie of the family as hes was appple of my mums eye and dads 

      my father non biological is now dead i feel sad but he was like a ship in the night passing by

      the best stable time in my life was when her bf wanted to adopt me she was going to marry him and he was proply the only real role model i had but i went to school she kept y brother off packed up and walked out on him i got home to a distraugh man and she d left me with out any though asked y she left she said he was grooming me and he got his own daugter pregant and fathered his own grandchild *** this was all made up as did same thing with my dad and brother so she would get full custudy in 1980's*** but this man hadnnt if he had y leave me behind.

      my mum never worked and bullied and school and she alway said blame ur dad as he dont give me money i know of was on befits at time c

      he paid child support as she was on benefits didnt recive it 

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    • Posted

      You have no idea how similar your life was to mine growing up with an alcoholic mother.

      My father was a good provider working away from home mostly so did not see the abuse she unleashed on us.

      My mother was having an affair from when I was 5 years old until 13 and when I was 10 she had another baby.

      She didn't know until he was born whether he was dad's or her lovers but she let my dad bond with him for 2 years before confessing.

      She planned to leave my Dad for this guy but didn't have the guts to tell him face to face so called him and confessed all.

      She left for 2 days and me and my brothers were happy she had gone, we were never in her plans only his son.

      Then after 2 days he decided he couldn't leave his wife so came crawling back but for my father he was done.

      They divorced afterwards and her alcohol consumption got steadily worse, I had to be a mother to my baby brother at 13 and while she drowned her sorrows.

      I used to look at her and feel ashamed, I promised myself I'd never be like her and thankfully I'm not.

      My brother 1 year older than I left home to live with gran after she beat him on the stairs and very rarely spoke to her after that, she never did say sorry to him, or my dad for what she did.

      In her rages she had a knife to my throat and I really was frightened of her as was my younger brother and my baby half brother.

      My dad died aged 52 of a massive heart attack and when I called her she sounded upset (she had remarried) and went to my nan's to ask for money to come to see me but went drinking instead.

      I didn't talk to her for 2 years, she was incapable of giving her kids comfort and love it was all about her.

      My galf brother ended up in the care system at 8 years old because she couldn't cope with him through her drinking and he has ADHD.

      I watched her drink herself to death when she was 59, I sat in the room while the life support was turned off but I didn't do it for her, I didn't want to feel quilt for letting her die alone...I didn't grieve, I was already grief stricken for my younger brother who died of epilepsy 5 weeks to the day before her at 37 years old. I still cry for him.

      I told myself I wouldn't dwell to much on the past, it wasn't my fault and accepted that's all I knew but lately in an unhappy marriage It's all going round and round in my head.

      I'm on antidepressants which have been increased so I'm coping but life can be very unfair.

      I'm of a soft nature and some see this as my weakness and I want to be more assertive but struggle.

      I won't be dragged down again though. I'm struggling but staying strong.

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  • Posted

    I really don't know the answer to this Steff, do you want to keep this from your family for any reason ??

    I'm feeling like I've let my son down and after reading your post I know I need to change my situation.

    I believe my husband has passive aggressive disorder and traits I'd narcissist disorder and right this very second I gate myself as I've let my guard down and allowed him to upset me.

    He has to give me a date when he's leaving and I know it's not going to happen and I'm going to have to get legals involved.

    Of course he's never wrong and shows no interest in his kids or me and hasn't for years.

    After deciding to divorce him I've read evalued my life and I've found it quite upsetting. I don't normally dwel on the past.

    My mother had sever mental health issues which were undiagnosed but my siblings and I suffered terribly because of her.

    She ended up seeking her peace in alcohol, and when drinking became very unpredictable and violent.

    We were both mentally and physically abused as children and although I've always taken the attitude of "thats how it was and all we knew" I decided a 6long time ago not to let it ruin the rest of my life.

    What did I do...yes I married the most selfish unstable man I've ever known.

    As the years go by he's steadily got worse and now I've filed for divorce.

    Life hasnt been easy for us but I blame myself for putting up with it all these years.

    He's gambled away every penny he's ever earned and yet he's still in denial.

    I also have no family I can talk to but nothings worth your life.

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  • Posted

    Dear Steff,

    It sounds like you are probably a teenager, feeling very angry and disappointed. I'm assuming it's your family and parents who have let you down. I don't think anyone has children deliberately aiming to ruin their life. Everyone has their emotional baggage and some parents will let this stuff affect their children. Whatever has happened to you, it isn't too late to get the help you need to have a good adulthood. No one reading your post will pity you as we're all carrying our own pain. But we are hear to listen and understand where we can, and to help you through this excruciatingly tough time. Do you think you could get some counselling help via your school or college? If you're worried your peers will find out, I'm sure it's kept completely confidential. Can you approach your doctor and share how you are feeling? Please don't give up Steff. I've struggled with depression and negative self-image most of my life and as adulthood progresses (I'm 48 and divorced - the latter not by choice) suicide seems to be a growing inevitability. However, i seek out the things I can be grateful for and experiences that can bring me some enjoyment, taking one day at a time, trying to plan something to look forward to. Most days I am grateful that I never took the overdose and so gave myself a fighting chance at a better life. Things might not have turned out how I had hoped, but I haven't lost hope that they can improve. Whatever has happened to you in the past, however painful, doesn't have to dictate your future. It can if you let it but you do have a choice, although you may feel as if you don't. Please keep talking to us on the forum if you feel able to share. We won't give up on you if you don't give up on yourself.

    Sending you a BIG hug. Digsby x

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    • Posted

      it was all down to my mum she is a alcoholic and neglected me and mentally abused us and physical punishment. i feel angry at my family as knew stuff as told them but branded lairs. 

      and as got old saw for them selfs and still stood by

      i am at the same cross road i am 31 and reached a point where ppl ask when am i having children i feel that my other is still with in me and the behavour example set and she could be unleached i dont ever want to be like her but behavour is learnt.

      i had a man i called dad but my not biological and he knew what she was like as my brother was the only son this is a quote from him" id pay a king randoms for him" my aunts reply is she the spare part. tried to contact the man who supposed to be biological my father not intereted. my mother has 3 children and 2 boy my half brother and me its amazess me how well she treats them. there 17 yr diff between me and youngest and she drinks more now but declared fit my social service and she blames me for every thing wrong in her life from being in her womb to this date he tells my nan all the time.

      i dont feel any bond connection with ppl and dont trust them i was raped at 15 and didnt report.my mother wouldnt of cared and i way allowed to run ferral as she didnt want her in house due to her latest bf.

      my brother has alcohol and substance abuse and my family quoted expected me to be the alco and junkie of the family as hes was appple of my mums eye and dads 

      my father non biological is now dead i feel sad but he was like a ship in the night passing by

      the best stable time in my life was when her bf wanted to adopt me she was going to marry him and he was proply the only real role model i had but i went to school she kept y brother off packed up and walked out on him i got home to a distraugh man and she d left me with out any though asked y she left she said he was grooming me and he got his own daugter pregant and fathered his own grandchild *** this was all made up as did same thing with my dad and brother so she would get full custudy in 1980's*** but this man hadnnt if he had y leave me behind.

      my mum never worked and bullied and school and she alway said blame ur dad as he dont give me money i know of was on befits at time c

      he paid child support as she was on benefits didnt recive it 

      she was a normal child with normal parent they never had alcohol in house just smoked 

      she is a waste of time space energy. i feel she ruin the start even when she was pregent she tried to kill me by abusing her body may be i just was nt ment to be and im paying ofr her bad kerma 

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