Depressed boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants to be with me

Posted , 4 users are following.

hi,

i have never posted of a forum before but i guess i dont know where else to go. my boyfriend has (i think) depression but perhaps PTSD and definitely survivors guilt.

He keeps telling me he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me but that he does love me and part of him just wants to be on his own. ive told him i want to support him but i need him to tell me thats what he wants from me but he wont do that. whenever i make steps to leave the relationship following him telling me he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me he seens to find ways to delay it. because of this i do not know what to do! do i tell him im sticking around no matter what or do i just leave and not allow him to stall it? we live together with my son so moving out is a huge deal. i dont want to leave, i love him but i dont want to force myself on him.

i am completely torn because if it wasnt for the depression i wouldnt let someone treat me like this.

any advice would be hugely appreciated!

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    I really feel for you and i am unsure what advice i can give as i am in a similar situation myself partner of 20+ yrs & father to my kids got depressed and told me the same that he feels no love or attachment to anyone he left the family home and has been gone for 6 mths with no change. comes over most days and keeps us all in limbo which is devestating. logically u can not have a relationship that is one sided but when depression is involved nothing is logical all I can say is unless he gets medication and therapy you are in for a long bumpy ride. is the relationship worth it. I think mine is that's why I have remained but its so hard and really damagging to you as a person. I often wonder if he came home would I be able to feel really secure and loved. I know the longer it goes on the harder it will be but he refuses medication or relationship counselling but goes to therapy himself. I wish you luck unfortunately depression is a very selfish illness and the depressed often feels nothing for others cause they are too wrapped up in themselves. get support for yourself and spend time with friends etc I have tried ultimatums but it doesnt work as he feels nothing for anyone. I am constantly battling my heart and head and still cant come to a decision 6 mths later. if he is willing to take meds go to therapy then hold out while also foing lots of self care

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    • Posted

      thank you so much for your advice and i'm sorry you are in somewhat the same position. so far he wont see anyone about it and we have been together less than two years so its not like we have years of happiness to really justify sticking around if he wont but yet here i still am! i hope your partner realises what he stands to lose - lots of luck x

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  • Posted

    I'm sry your going through this. First off your a great girlfriend cause my wife left me s month ago. So want to say he lucky to have you. So he told you he doesn't want to be together nomore or he needs alittle space. Ask him that cause my wife didn't say nothing but she was using me she never me back and its revenge. So he is very luck cause I have severe depression. does see a therapist or any kind help. You must really love. I wish my wife was like you caring and trying to understand the illneess.

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    • Posted

      he says 'he doesnt know if he wants to be together' which is really difficult because i get to the point where i feel like i need to move out but because thats not what i want he throws me little bits of hope so i end up staying. i just want an answer either way either stay and support him or leave him to be on his own but he just wont give me one. he wont speak to anyone yet either. i even went to a therapist myself to gain some clarity on how people with these illnesses are affected! thank you for taking the time to reply by the way it means alot!

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    • Posted

      I think he probably cant give you an answer because he does not know himself. he does not feel love and therefore is confused but he is afraid to let you go incase he discovers he does actually love you. it's the little bits of hope that keep us lingering and waiting . I am so confused still after 6 mths but one thing I do know from my relationship is he will most likely never give me a straight answer because he doesnt know himself so it will have to be us who decides in the end which is really difficult because we do feel love for them. it really comes down to how much you can cope with and how its affecting you. I know for me I am trying to carry on as normal but my head is constantly thinking of him and trying to figure out ways of making him see what he is loosing but it's all in vain. I know after 6 months he has not shifted an inch but for me I think it's a slow process of me trying my best to move on. does he open up and speak to you or is he shut down and only gives you snippets of info on how he's feeling. I know in my case he says nothing and every few weeks I explode and then he will tell me a few things which will keep me going for another while but he never truly opens up. if he is willing to openly communicate at least you have something to work with. but like I said earlier without meds and therapy it's going to go at a snail's pace.

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  • Posted

    Hi Robyn - has he recieved any treatment? If not, why not? People who suffer in the way he is don't have the tools to deal with the situation. First stop, see the doc. Meds may be prescribed. they are best used in conjunction with a psychotherapist/counsellor. We can't do this alone and nothing chnages until we act to change it.

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    • Posted

      thank you for your reply - he wont see anyone 😦 if he would i probably wouldnt be considering leaving but i guess you are right, if he wont act nothing will change sadly.

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