Depressed, feel doomed.

Posted , 7 users are following.

been depressed for many years but more so in the last 2 years. When or if anyone reads this you will probably delete me but im going to be totally honest and its going to take a while to type it all out. Mind you, i solemly swear to be 100% honest here and only the facts and true feelings i have will be disclosed here.

Im a 53 year old white male, it would be fair to say that i have above average intelligence, im am disabled and that adds to my depression and frusyration becauae i have always been a very acti e person that worked diligently to accomplish my goals and better my life. I am a black belt in yoshuika karate and was a full contact kickboxer with 3 titles and went to the world fights and fought the then wka world champion. Did very well staying fit and am in good shape now despite the disabiliy. The disability came from being hit head on by a drunk driver at a very high rate of speed, i almost died but obviously didnt and i credit God with that, its the only explanation being my body was mangled so bad. But physically you cannot even tell i was ever enjured on that fateful night of August 2004.  Its late now but i will be back i. a few days to tell more of my situation. Thank you for reading. See you soon.

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17 Replies

  • Posted

    Don

    I am Chronically Disabled with PsA, I also suffer from a Conjenital Short Term Memory Disorder. All leads to a Reactive Depression.

    In 1976 I was also involved in a car accident and I smashed my body up quite badly, they found my heart was crushed by the sturnum and I had a Congenital Hole in the heart, that I now live with.

    My PsA effects all parts of my body and they do not know if it was set off with the accident. I passed my Youth and Community Papers and I was running my own Youth Club when I was twenty two years old. My Trade was a Planning, design Engineer, I was retired  due to ill health in Dec 1988 I never worked again. Now a Pensioner at 67 years old. I have always been kept busy by various Voluntary Work with the NHS.

    Many people suffer Depression through lifes trails it is up to us to try and move on, I do really suffer from my disabilities, and I also understand my extensive medications will eventually see me of. 

    Life is to intense to put my hands up yet, try and allow yourself some movement, you seem a bright person and have a great deal too offer

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Sorry to hear of  your misfortune and it seems that you have seen much. I hope that your body can heal or at least allow you more comfort as time passes. I can certainly understand why you have depression, I can relate well to what you have put down here....

      Life is intense however, that is relative to the individual's situation. Hang in there Bob and thank you for the compliment sir.

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  • Posted

    Hi Don.Will read your next post.But I'm a 54 year old white male as well and I understand your frustration.For the last 9 months I've been dealing with IBS/anxiety/depression worse than normal.I have no life because I'm so exhausted from a busy stressful job and dealing with the above and it gets very depressing.I'm seeing docs.taking new meds,being weaned off of old ones and I don't feel I'm any better.The only thing keeping me going is my trust in God and that there is a purpose in all this.That this will be used to do good, to change me for the better.I pray it will.You've got to just take one day at a time and find someone you trust to talk to and give you some ideas and direct you for help.I have a real good counsoler but when your alone with your thoughts it's hard.That's when I talk to God.I realise,although it's hard,very hard sometimes,I'll pray for you brother.God Bless You.Bob

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    • Posted

      Hi Bob and than you for your interest in my posts. I am seeing from what youve put down here that you are dealing with a great deal of issues as well and I hope that things will improve for you sir. Having a good doctor that understands your needs and one who is willing to sincerely treat your conditions is a must and I hope your doctor can find the meds that work best for your system and situations.

      I too trust in God and yes, if not for God I would not have but little hope Im certain and hopefully, as you believe, I will someday see that all of this has a good purpose. Thank you for your prayers Bob, I really do mean what I say, the prayers are much needed and I appreciate anyone who is willing to take a bit of their time out to pray for me, I too will pray for you sir and will do that just after I post this. I hope to see you aroung on the forum, maybe we can be of help to each other and to others. Blessings to your sir.

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  • Posted

    So I am back again tonight and will go a little further with my story. First, I want to thank each of you that replied, maybe we can all get something from each other here on the forum that will help ourselves, that is my hope. As for my posts and how I lay out my story, I may jump around from different times but will try to stay on track however I will be typing this all out as it comes to mind so if there are any questions you might have, please feel free to ask me and I will be more than happy to go back and fill in any areas.

    So, August of 2004 is when my whole life changes forever but actually, there have been several times in my life that I felt my life was about to change forever....My issues with self doubt and struggle came at an early age, my dad was a very hard working man and at about age 4 my mother, who was known as one of the sweetest, smartest and neatest persons in school in her youth and even through her sickness as an adult she remained a very sweet and caring person. She suffered from paranoid delusions and other issues that the doctors couldnt really understand. I held my mother in my arms when see took her last breath on this earth in the year 2010 and it was one of the hardest things I had ever done, my mother was my great friend and I miss her dearly. I moved around alot as a child, my dad and mother divorced when I was 9 years old and I went to live with my aunt and uncle for awhile and I had lived with this same aunt and uncle when I was 5-6 years old when my mother was in the mental ward the 1st time and 2nd time. After my mother came home from the institution I also went back home to live with her and my dad and my two sisters, it was a very hard time during the next 2-3 years, my dad drank alot and my mother was not doing well so after about 3 years the divorce came and my mother went to live with my grandparents and I stayed with my dad, my youngest sister was about 6 at the time and she went to live with my grandparents as well so that left me and my oldest sister (who just passed away in January of this year) to live with my dad. My sister and I formed a very strong bond, she looked after me and I looked after her, we felt that we were all we had most times. When I turned 11 my dad married again and my sister and I moved again with my dad to where he and his new wife bought several acres and new home, it was a very difficult time still, I missed my mother and could only see her at my grandparents house on the weekends every so often because they lived like an hour away from our new home. My sister and my step mother did not get along well at all, I was always trying to keep peace between them but to no avail it seemed and after about 2 years my sister who was then 15 decied to go live with my mother and grandparents, I felt so lonely and I missed her so much but I understood or at least understood as much as a 13 year old could, that is when I began to become more depressed it seemed but I pushed on, playing sports, football, basketball, baseball and track. I did very well in sports and I think that it really helped me not only keep my mind occupied but also allowed me to take out any aggressions I had... I did very well for about a year or so after my sister had left and my dad was able to win full custody of my youngest sister who was living with my grandparents so basically, it was a swap out for me as far as my sisters went, my oldest sister went to live with my grandparents and mom and very soon afterwards my youngest sister came to live with me, my dad and step mom. Everything seemed ok but so much was missing from my life, I just could not get to a point in my mind where everything was just ok, things slowly began to come apart for me, I was no longer happy with my dad, step mom and little sister, I felt like so much of me was missing so I ran away from home when I was about to turn 15. I went to my grandparents and moms where my oldest sister was and my dad sent the authorities after me, I was afraid of my dad because of his terrible temper and so I refused to go back and live with him, it all ended up in court and my grandparents were not allowed to keep me because they had my oldest sister already and because of their age or at least thats what I was told but I refused to go back with my dad still and it was because I was not comfortable around him any more, he had a very bad temper and I had already witnessed the fighting he had had with my mom when I was a young boy and now he was fighting with his new wife and everything just worried me so I ended up in an attention home, as fate would have it, i began playing football at a new high school in the 9th grade, I hurt my lower back, only a strained muscle but the medical director had to be contacted and he was to see me in his office for the injury, the doctor seemed very interested in me when I went to the office visit and to make a long story short, I started to go to his home on the weekends and be with his family and the other kids that were there. 3 of the children were his blood children and 4 of the children were foster children. It was a couple of months of going over for the weekends until the doctor asked me if I would like to move in with him and his family and of course I was thrilled to do so and I did move in. Life began to take a different turn for me, I was doing well in school but decided I did not want to do sports anymore and that was because I wanted to spend time with my new found family that I was so happy to have. About a year passed and I got a new car, was dating regularly and doing well in school still, we would all go to the family cabin on the lake on the weekends and also would basically move there for the summer and commute back and forth to town where the regular residence was, the cabin was only about 30 minutes away so we could spend lots of time there without our schedules being interrupted. It was the second summer when the doctor first enticed me to do things that I could not believe were happening, so now I know that the doctor was gay and I was his little play toy. I kept everything quiet because he told me to and so I did, I know he was a very well respected person and very wealthy and powerful so he was able to convince me to not say anything to anyone although I absolutley believe his wife knew what was going on. When I turned 19 I broke his hand with a stick of firewood and left, no longer did i have to worry about being sent away as the doctor told me I would, no longer did I have to allow him to do what he wanted because now at 19 I was an adult.... and all alone. I made the very best of things that I could but I got into trouble with the law 1 month after I turned 19 and it was all because I wanted to show the authorities what this doctor was like. His office was next door to the police station so I did a bunch of spin outs in the doctors parking lot and got the police to chase me and they chased me for many miles, I made a huge circle and went right back to the doctors house and there were cops everywhere and in my mind I just knew that all of this attention would cause someone to look into everything but I was wrong, ole doc pulled out his power card and money and swept it all away and I was left with nothing but problems. Eventually I got out of trouble but now had a record and was a felon because i accidentally hit the police officer with the back of my head and broke his nose and it was in the skuffle behind the doctors house when the officers where restraining me, so now Im a felon and the doctor goes away as if hes done nothing. All is well though, I hold no grudge, ole doc still has to face God and there is where his power nor his money will help him. I forgive him and his wife and maybe I should have spoken out but I was a scared boy through all of this mess. I am thankful that it is all over now, just the images and memories of horrible times are all that remain in my head of those years. Im thankful that God made me a strong man and life goes on. 

    So.... Im now 19 almost 20 and I meet a lady and fall in love.... what a mistake it was to take on a women who is 7 years older than me and who already has 2 children, but I wanted a family, I was a hard worker and I wanted a family regardless if it was an already made family, I needed that connectivity in my life and was willing to do whatever resonable to make it happen.... so more problems are on the horizon. Will life ever be just ok..

    Thanks for reading, will return soon and go further if you want me to, if not, I understand because I have another 33 years to cover. Are you all tired of of me yet? Thanks to everyone who has stuck around this far oh, and maybe Im posting this in the right place...

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    • Posted

      Hey Don

      I'm sorry for everything you went through. It's sickening what he did to you and then his wife knowing and not doing anything. sadIt breaks my heart knowing all the pain and abuse you've gone through. I dont understand how there are people so evil and cruel. He probably did the same with the other kids. Rich people think they are untouchable but dont worry everyone pays for their actions. Before reading that part I knew something was going to happen. When someone is being too good with you it usually means they have bad intentions or want something. I'm not saying everyone does but always be cautious. That's why I don't trust anyone. Please continue telling us.

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    • Posted

      Thank you ashley73934 for your interest, i will get back this week, i have to be in the mood to put my feelings down, if i dont feel like opening up then i have to force the words and it really does nothing in the form of thearpy for me, i feel that if im forcing my words then its just typing and going through the motions and is being done to please others, i am grateful that youre interested and maybe somehow all of this can help others somehow, i hope so. By opening up and sharing these things helps me it seems, just the little bit ive shared so far has helped me actually, i feel like its lifting the weight and oppression off of my mind, ive never been to a counselor or therapist my entire life, ive just held it all in and dealt with it within but its time that i take a different approach because finally its quickly becoming a burden to me. I want everyone to know that im not trying to gather an audience, im just attempting to disclose all of the dramatic events that ive bottled up inside me for decades. Currently i take norco for pain relief and alprazolam (xanaxx) for sleep, i only take a 0.5 mg tablet at night and that seems to help my mood through out the day but its God who has brought me through this whole ordeal and it is He who has kept me strong, ive not even gotten to the most difficult parts of my life yet and i will go ahead and tell my readers that im on my 4th marriage. Anyway, thanks again for your interest, opening to people i dont know seems really good, i can be totally honest and unbiased and hopefully the desired effect it has on me will be good and as i stated earlier. maybe someone else can find something beneficial from it all. See you all soon. 
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    • Posted

      Thank you laura08496 for your interest, please see my reply to ashley73934 and i hope you will find how Ive dealt with e erything. God is my hope, He has always been here for me in the most amazing ways. I plan to write more very soon. Thanks again, i appreciate yiu reading my posts, its weird but my knowing that people are reading everything i have held in for so lobg has lightened my mind, even the little bit that ive shared has already made me feel better so again, thank you and i will return very soon by mid week Lord willing.
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    • Posted

      i'm very happy that you are getting some relief through sharing with us. i hope we haven't put stress on you...wanting to know more, you express yourself so well. please write when it feels right.

       

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    • Posted

      Okay Don its up to you dont feel pressured if you cant right now its okay. Take your time until you feel you can tell us more.👍See you soon.

      God bless you and Take Care

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