Depressed for 10 years

married my college sweetheart who promised me the sun and the moon. It was a wonderful for the first few years (so I thought). I became pregnant at 19 and he told me to get an abortion. I did. Sex was never mentioned in my family and I wasn't close enough to my mother or sisters to confide in them that I was pregnant.After my second abortion and a cancer scare, my husband and i got a little closer. Things were getting better and I told my husband it would be nice to start a family. He told me after 10 years of marriage that he did not want children. I was shocked!! Little by little I became tired of his shenanigans of never being home - except on payday. We divorced after 17 years of marriage. He became addicted to marijuana, meth and heroine. I had no clue. I thought he was anorexic. How could I be so stupid?? I became a doormat and was used as a paycheck for his drugging. He was never home and was out partying with his friends when I thought he was working overtime at his father's business. After 4 years of therapy, and my husband attending 1 time, my therapist told me he was on meth!!! I changed the locks on the doors and threw him out!! That SOB.

I moved back home after my divorce to a mother I had so many hard feelings for. She left me alone most days growing up and I had such a hollow heart most of my life. It so happened that my real father abandoned me at the age of not 1 year. At age age 18, through the daily newspaper, my brother and sisters learned that he joined the Mexcican Cartel and was was arrested for trafficking drugs. It was so embarrassing and shameful. Our daddy we never knew became a felon.

Long story short, after moving back home I began getting flashbacks of the horrible childhood we lived with our stepfather hitting, slapping, holaring, and cussing at us. I hid in the closet most weekends hoping to never see his rage first hand. My brother was thrown down the stairs and my sisters were punished by having to clean all the dishes in the house, dirty or clean. My mom said "she never knew". WHAT? Four kids at home and never knew??? I knew she was a liar. She also didn't know of my step father coming to lay in bed with me in grade school. And here I'm stuck coming home to "mom". She was poor financially and in spirit. I didn't have a choice but to live in a 1 bedroom apartment at a retirement home. Can it get much more depressing? I became so depressed I tried to commit suicide 3 times in 1 year. I'm still alive. That's all --just alive. I lost my life, my identity and my hope.

After getting disability for mental health issues, I'm able to finally move out. I won't be able to pay the heating, but I'll finally have a bed to sleep in. It's been very, very difficult trying to live a good life. So very difficult. Please help.

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